Episode Report Card Wing Chun: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT National Lampoon's Kashmiri Vacation
By Wing Chun | Season 2 | Episode 9 | Aired on 12.07.2002
From the hot pinks and oranges of India, we cut back to the grim blues and greys of the boring, sterile old CIA. Vaughn stalks through the office and to a desk, where he puts on a phone headset. "Hello?" he says breathlessly. "Hi. I'm on a secure line," says Sydney's tinny little phone voice. Vaughn lets out an eight-million-decibel sigh of relief; he says they saw the blast, and asks what happened. Sydney -- now done up Indian-style, complete with dangly gold earrings and a bindi -- says she'll fill him in later, but that they were compromised. Vaughn blurts, "I'm so glad you're okay" (of course), and asks after Jack and Irina; Sydney ignores his gladness at her okayness and exhales, "You know, some people go miniature golfing with their parents; we go to India and look for nukes." Oh, boo hoo! You know, Sydney, it's not like you didn't have any choice about becoming a spy. You act like you were somehow programmed to do it against your will by an '80s-era brainwashing scheme that...oh. Right.
Also, the whole "we go to India and look for nukes" line reminds me of those new Sony (I think) ads with the older people who go to outer space or into the ocean to hang with sharks, documenting the whole thing on their Sony (I think) camcorders, and then the tag line is something like, "When your kids ask where the money went, show them the tape." Like, maybe the next one could be a spot with a couple of handsome older people gleefully picking their way through a minefield and mugging like their legs are getting blown off and pretending to scratch their backs with plutonium rods and stuff, and then: "Show them the tape." And then cut back to one of the handsome older people with his leg blown off, watching the tape all, "Man. Good times." Anyway. Vaughn tells Sydney about the communication the CIA intercepted, saying the rebels are going to activate the nukes at 1700 hours. "'Activate' how?" Sydney has the foresight to ask. Vaughn says they don't know. "Deploy? Detonate?" Sydney demands. Vaughn says the word the communication used was "activate": "It might mean delivery, maybe detonation -- we don't know. But we have to assume the worst, since they got the control codes through SD-6." Sydney exposits that, since she got the control codes for SD-6, she can deactivate the nukes. "If you get there in time," Vaughn agrees. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Desk Boy!" Sydney does not reply.
Sydney emerges from whatever sheet cubicle she was in, looking anxious. From the other side of the stall come both Jack and Irina, in costume. The first thing you have to notice is that it looks like they changed in the same part of the tent, so maybe they had another moment in which Jack got all het up by the sight of Irina in her gitch. And since I got all het up by the sight of Irina in her gitch the last time, I think it's a fair bet that Jack did. The second thing you have to notice is that Jack has been fitted with an AWESOME fake beard. It's Beardwiser, King of Beards. Seriously, it is so deliciously big and bushy you could lose a beetle in there and never find it -- never even know it was there. No, a Volkswagen Beetle. And its driver. And the salesman from the VW dealership. You could cut a swatch from this beard, irradiate it, and in forty-eight hours, you'd have grown yourself the fourth member of ZZ Top. This show has had some very talented performers in its supporting cast over the course of its first season and a half, but this beard is my favourite so far. This beard deserves its own Emmy clip. And then, when it gets nominated for an Emmy, the beard should get to ride to the Emmys in a stretch limo with a hot tub in the back, and with Charlize Theron as its date. Best. Beard. EVER.
So Irina and Jack and Jack's beard meet up with Sydney and Mr. Zamir. Jennifer Garner shows what a consummate professional she is by not bursting into hysterical laughter at the sight of the beard, which makes me wonder how many takes they had to do to get this scene. Or maybe they exposed the actors to the beard one by one, in a quiet room, accompanied by a trained counsellor who could help them to confront and talk through the issues raised by the presence of the beard, before they were put into a position where they had to act with the beard. You know, like how you teach kids not to be scared of dogs, for instance. Or maybe they just had to shock the actors with the beard -- like, Victor Garber showed up for work that day, knowing from the script that it was the day he'd have to wear a fake beard, and he got to the set, and opened his trailer, and he can't quite get the door open -- he's pushing on it, and suddenly the door gives, and MY GOD, there it is! BEARDZILLA! And then after Victor Garber has a mild cardiac episode as a result of his confrontation with the beard, J.J. Abrams takes the beard across the path to where Jennifer Garner is working out with her Krav Maga trainer and is like, "Hey, Jennifer," and she turns around, and J.J. Abrams is gone, and in his place, MY GOD, there it is! COUNT BEARDULA! And she faints...but I do go on, and all of this is neither beard nor there. Mr. Zamir tells Irina, Jack, and Jack's beard that his truck is waiting on the other side of the market. Jack says he owes Mr. Zamir. Irina asks Mr. Zamir what kind of air filter the truck has. Mr. Zamir shrugs that it's a foam filter. Irina shortly informs him, "That won't work," and we know she must be right, because she's always right, and also, she's not the one wearing the crazy, mind-bending beard. She explains -- over Jack's evident annoyance at her interference -- that a foam filter will "clog up from the desert conditions." Jack ignores her, telling Mr. Zamir that they will return the truck as soon as they can. Irina insists that the truck will never get them to the base. Jack essentially snits at her to shut the hell up. She starts arguing her case -- making poor Mr. Zamir very uncomfortable, surely, and embarrassing Sydney, who finally snaps, "Listen to me, both of you! We have a job to do. Your issues are going to have to be dealt with later." More quietly, she asks Mr. Zamir to excuse them. He leaves -- muttering something ("in foreign language," according to the captions) about Jack's tight ass and Irina's even tighter one.