Episode Report Card Joe R: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Forget The Alamo
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 6 | Aired on 02.05.2007
Footage of the judges giggling and having a good time leads Ryan's voice-over to tell us they're happy because the seven-city national nightmare known as the audition rounds is almost over. But before we can taste the sweet, we have to live with the sour, so meet Jacob Tutor. Jacob's short stature, beady eyes, underbite, and scraggly chin beard all add up to him looking like a particularly angry troll from a fairy story. Who offers you a bargain but turns on you by story's end. Jacob says his friends call him "Jake the Snake" -- which they totally don't, come on. Jake the Snake is for bikers or football players. Jacob Tutor is just an angry kid who reads a lot of Chuck Palahniuk. Jake dances angrily in the private Idol ante-room, in his khakis and a pale pink shirt with grid stripes that looks enough like Seacrest's shirt to make everyone a little nervous. He tells Ryan that his musical inspirations are, like, Kurt Cobain and Axl Rose and the like. And I know that when Ryan makes fun of him for this, he's making fun of how out of place that kind of music is on American Idol, but even still, my first instinct is to tell Ryan to STEP OFF Kurt and Axl and go back to your Burt Bacharach, okay? Inside, the song Jacob sings is all about "down in the darkness" this and "you will not torment me" that. I tried to Google the lyrics, but I'm pretty sure Jake is not singing all the correct words, so I'm stumped. When he's done, Simon says that's the kind of song Jake needs to be singing in a darkened bedroom. Alone. With his pain. The judges all say no, and Jake looks like he's maybe going to say something, but instead he just croaks out an "all right" and leaves.
Outside, it's pretty hilarious, as you can tell Jake's worked up a head of steam and really wants to let the judges have it, but Ryan keeps interrupting the buildup with inane questions. "Well, I didn't make it becau--" "What happened?" "Apparently I'm not what they're looking for ev--" "What are they looking for?" "I'm...they're..." "Why aren't you in?" Hee. Finally, Jacob's allowed enough time to cuss out the judges like he's been wanting to do since he showed up this morning. Back inside, Randy gets the second-last laugh as he mimics the "Down the hall, in my basement..." lyrics. Back outside, Jacob's over-rehearsed spiel is almost all bleeped out, as he keeps forgetting his specific reasons why Simon, Randy, and Paula can all go fuck themselves. Ryan gets the actual last laugh as he's like, "But you like me, right?" "You're awesome," wheezes Jacob, and he darts away from the camera before he goes and hyperventilates into a paper bag. I'm thinking the penetrating glare of the cameras was maybe more than Jake was bargaining for when he decided to go on TV and call Simon Cowell a fucker.
Ryan's voice-over tells us the clock is ticking down to when Simon has to fly back to "British," (funny guy, that Ryan voice-over), but before we go, here's Jimmy McNeal, whose salmon-striped button-down is just fantastic. I don't wear pink, but I'd wear that. Simon keeps calling him "Jimbo," which is cute. Jimbo says he'll be singing Sam Cooke's "Cupid," though he splices it with Cooke's "Another Saturday Night," two great songs that sound great together. And Jimmy sounds great singing them. Paula's got a smile about a mile wide on her face. Simon calls him a "little fun Ruben," which gets Jimmy to laugh a bit -- Jimmy has a cute smile and an infectious laugh and is just altogether delightful. Simon adds, of Ruben, "That was when he used to smile." Ooh, I love bitchy Simon, even though I don't follow Ruben enough to know what he's getting at. Is he famously somber now? Last I heard from Ruben, he was still really, really sorry for 2004. Simon calls Jimmy "authentic" and "likeable," and the judges (including a dancing Paula) all say yes. Welcome to Hollywood, Jimmy!