Episode Report Card Joe R: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Forget The Alamo
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 6 | Aired on 02.05.2007
Randy and Paula call it "interesting" and "wild." Simon starts to talk about her weird facial expressions and phrasing, but Randy interrupts to say that he thought she sang the Michael Bublé version in Nina Simone's voice. Which really doesn't make much sense, and also, fuck off, Randy -- at least Nina Simone pronounces her consonants. Simon asks for a yes or no vote. Paula suggests Ashlyn sing in front of a mirror so she can stop scaring people with her face so much, but she doesn't vote yes or no. Randy echoes Paula's thoughts, and he does vote no. As, eventually, does Paula, which gets Ashlyn crying. As she's leaving, Simon tells her he would have voted yes, but not in the mean way he usually says that. Outside, Ryan's with Ashlyn's family, and he excitedly says, "Here is the verdict..." and you can tell he honestly expected a golden ticket to emerge with her. But it doesn't and it's sad for her, I guess, but she really wasn't all that good.
Still, back inside, Simon puts on his best "nagging regret" face and says, "I still think we made a mistake with that girl." This is Simon trying to up the drama ante, I would bet cash money. He knows Ashlyn will not make it out of Hollywood. (And she really won't since she got arrested for pulling the ol' "bingo, bango, sugar in the gas tank" routine on her ex-boyfriend.) Paula and Randy -- who have no spines or genuine opinions of their own anyway -- both start clamoring to bring her back in. The show would have us believe that Ashlyn made it all the way to the street before she was called back, and we see Ryan ask her if she's okay with going back in. Then the Seacrest voice-over tries to up the drama some more by kicking it to commercial before we find out how this turns out. When we return, her family members are out in the hall all, "She can do this!" The one lady (Aunt? Mother? Neighbor?) knows what's really up, because she keeps saying that Simon said yes, because we all know he's the only one that matters.
Back inside, Simon asks her if she understand what they said before about the facial expressions. She does. He asks her to pick out a song, and she sings a song called "Inseparable," and while you can tell she's cutting back on the weirdness, it's still there. Then...okay, then Simon starts grabbing his man-boobs. Seriously. For the rest of this critique, Simon will have two handfuls of man-boob at all times. It is profoundly distracting. He's, like, moving them around. Stop doing that, Simon! Please! Anyway, he says that Ashlyn has some "very bad habits," habits she may indeed never be able to break. But he thinks she's "unique" and compares her to Dionne Warwick, who is indeed unique. He thinks she's "too good to pass up." Randy bleats a "yes" vote, and Paula repeats exactly what Simon said about the habits, before voting yes herself. Fuckin' sheep. This time, when she walks out the door, Ashlyn's in a strut. Yeah, don't get too cocky there. I hear County Lockup Idol isn't such a prestigious honor.