Episode Report Card Joe R: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Forget The Alamo
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 6 | Aired on 02.05.2007
Next to audition is Sandie Chavez, who tells us that her voice is "very bluesy, soulful-sounding." She tells Ryan that she's been singing since she was a little kid, at parties and talent shows, and then two years ago, she sang for the mayor of Houston. Ryan is almost imperceptibly incredulous as he confirms that the mayor of Houston "loved" her singing. She says he did, but I'm picking up on Ryan's super-secret mean-girl code, where he's all, "So you're saying you definitely never hooked up with Jimmy O'Dell?" even though he just got off the phone with April who talked to Brenna who heard from Jimmy's sister Shannon that he totally made it to second base, it's, like, a confirmed fact. Point being: Ryan knows how much Sandie is about to suck.
Inside, Sandie has chosen to sing "Black Velvet" by Alannah Myles, another Song Most Ruined For Me nominee. And it's about to get ruined-er. One hand on her ear, like she's getting her pitch cues from the Mother Ship, Sandie proceeds to sing from the Shakira place in the back of her throat, for one thing. For another, she completely doesn't know the words. "Kenny Rogers and...uh...a leftover pie..." is not what that song is about. (Though now that I mention it, a song about a leftover pie would make for a lovely companion piece to "MacArthur Park." Let me think on this and I'll get back to you later this season.) And that's when you can actually pick out the words. Mostly it's just "Annawannabuhma...oebuhrfeeing...obasewinnima...leevyaliefuhhhr..." and the like. Simon cocks his head sideways like "How do you solve a problem like Sandie Chavez?" but he can't keep from laughing. He tells her he couldn't understand a word. "It was literally like some language I've never heard in my life." He asks her if she was for real, and Sandie starts crying. Simon immediately takes it back and apologizes. And not to pile on here or anything, but...you can't exactly make out what she's saying when she cries either. Part of it must be an "I'm sorry," because Paula tells her she doesn't have to apologize to them. "Well," says Simon, "she does a little bit," which earns him a threat of violence from Joanie Walker Red over there next to him. Randy asks if she wants them to be honest with her, and she does, so Randy tells her it just wasn't good. Paula suggests she go back to her career as a teacher. More unintelligible crying. More Simon being a bit of a prat. Finally, Sandie gets dismissed. ("...Other door.")
Next up, Ryan strengthens his case for a week's vacation with the following line: "It seemed San Antonio was turning a bit San An-tone-deaf." Oh, Ryan. What have you become? That one was worse than the Teri Hatcher photo. This is all a way of introducing Ashlyn Carr, who looks like all the best features of Lauryn Hill and Kerry Washington got blended together and then coated with a tasteful sheen of lip gloss. She tells the judges she got beat up in school for having such an awesome voice. "I got my head knocked into the floor," she says. "By who?" Simon asks. "This big girl," Ashlyn replies. Heh. I bet. Paula asks if she had to get stitches. Ashlyn says no: "I got a concussion, and I blacked out, though." Paula's like, "I hear that, girl." Ashlyn's going to sing "Feelin' Good" by Nina Simon, but she's going to do the Michael Bublé version. Fucking WHY?? "No, I won't go for the awesome, sexy, cool version of the song, I'll just sing the white-bread faux-swinger knockoff." I mean, I understand, I suppose. Bublé's are the CDs your aunt buys for your grandma, and no one's buying Nina Simone records, but still. That makes my fingers hurt just typing it. The point is moot anyway, because Ashlyn actually sings the unreleased Toni Braxton version of the song, complete with overwrought vocal acrobatics and weird facial expressions. Her voice is so full of tics, I'm surprised she doesn't have Lyme Disease (rimshot).