Episode Report Card Joe R: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Forget The Alamo
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 6 | Aired on 02.05.2007
Ryan's voice-over moves on to the subject of a pretty face who can gain Simon's attention, and that brings us to Haley Scarnato, who looks like the girl next door, if the girl next door had once upon a time worked at the police academy, but then got taken away from all that by some guy named Charlie. That's the only way I can explain the bell-bottomed jumpsuit -- backless until just about her ass crack -- accented by the giant hoop earrings. She's gorgeous, but I'm not sure what she thought she was dressing for. Inside, Haley is quite poised and polite, to the point that Paula asks to shake her hand. Paula has to comment on the outfit, of course, and asks where she got it. "I got it at one of those, like, hoochie stores," Haley says, winning me over officially. She sings "I Can't Make You Love Me," another nominee for "Song Most Ruined For Me By American Idol." Paula praises her control, but Randy goes to a more "a'ight" place. Simon hedges similarly, saying it was "a bit cabaret" and didn't show much originality. "But you can sing," he says. Plus, you know, she's super-hot, which doesn't get mentioned, but come on. She gets "yes" votes from everyone and then commences screaming with her whole family out in the hallway. And then she goes to meet Jill and Sabrina down by the abandoned construction site so they can foil a drug bust.
Oh, and look, here's Reason #33208 why this show can really suck sometimes: Jasmine Holland is introduced to America in general, and me in particular, by an extreme close-up on her giant camel toe. Thanks, you guys. She's also wearing a white tank top with the phrase "Peace Pure Love" Bedazzled across the front. Jasmine is what you would call a mess. She also doesn't fully open her mouth when she speaks, which is like the third indication in a row that she's going to be awful. The fourth is that her family showed up with a sign that [sic]s, "Jasmine's Are Next American Idol." Okay, let's get this over with. Right away, Simon and Randy are giggling at the camel toe that's suddenly been shoved right into their field of view. I'm not sure what song she's singing, though that may be because "singing" isn't what she's doing so much as "screeching." Randy busts out in full-on laughter, while Simon tries to stifle it with coughing, and Paula just looks beleaguered.
Paula tries to bright-side things for Jasmine, tiptoeing around how awful an audition it was. "It seems like you're really sad," Paula says, opening up Pandora's box in the process, because Jasmine chooses to cope with her embarrassment by being a brat. She says the judges are being "rude" (which...they are, but at the present moment they can see the entirety of her vagina, so I can forgive them for getting the church giggles). Simon tries to cut her short (as she busts out the "you don't know me" refrain that loser auditioneers seem to enjoy so much), but Paula wants to let Jasmine talk, because Paula likes it when the boys get yelled at and she's the nice one. Simon tries to explain the whole "you volunteered to be subjected to this" deal to Jasmine, and Jasmine replies, "But do you have to be negative?" Simon, essentially, says she hasn't exactly given them much choice after the egg she just laid. "You're entitled to your opinion" is what Jasmine settles on, and she begins to exit. "But it wasn't good," says Randy, piling on. Jasmine turns around at the door and brats, "And what do you do?" Instead of ignoring such a childish taunt, Randy actually starts listing his c.v., which is not the correct response to that at all. Jasmine continues to be (and display) a total twat about "Oh, because I never heard of you before American Idol, so what do you do? Oh, you do nothing, you're in the background, right?" This girl is twenty-two years old. She exits the room and plays the sad child again. Brat.
Back inside, Simon goes, "So...yes or no?" Ha! That kind of thing is why he will always manage to get me on his side. Outside with Seacrest, Jasmine cries and cries about judges being negative when they don't even know her, and how unfair it's all been, and I can STILL see her girl business all up in my face. Orange Lycra could not have been a worse choice. So then Jasmine's mom figures there hasn't been enough ignorance put on display in the past five minutes, so she adds that Simon "needs to go back to...where's he from? French?" Ryan chimes in that he's actually British, in that way he has of correcting stupid people where if they were any smarter, they'd beat the shit out of him, but since they're not, he's totally safe. "He can go back to British then," says Jasmine's mom. "And he can judge British people." British people who have the common courtesy to properly conceal their genitals, let's hope. Jasmine then calls Randy a "fat slob," at which point Ryan deadpans, "Those are my friends, you know. Two of 'em." Ooh, does he still not talk to Paula? Oh, wait, he probably means Simon. We're still supposed to pretend they don't like each other? Yeesh.