Episode Report Card Demian: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Secretly INSANE Brody And The Warehouse Of Doom
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.15.2005
"Now, there's a question," Piper continues, developing her initial thought. "Your Avatar friends are promising this big, bright future...um. Will there be burning toast?" The Dolt, naturally, fails to see her point, which I must admit is a good one. "Be serious," he sighs, pressing his hands on the counter. "I am!" she cries. "They say they're going to rid the world of evil," she continues, abandoning the fruit on the center island in favor of turning to address the fruit at the opposite end of the room. "What else are they gonna get rid of?" "Nothing else," the Dolt insists, adding a bit impatiently, "We've had this conversation." Yeah, well if you did, moron, the audience certainly wasn't privy to it, so would you let the poor woman get some freaking exposition in? Asshole. After a bit of blather regarding the supposed Avatar interview that followed the last episode, Piper lays it on the line: "The more I think about the whole thing, the more it worries me." The Dolt drops his jaw to pepper her with more of his newfound wisdom -- snerk -- but Piper cuts him short with, "Nah! Save the pitch." She's heard it already, and yeah, she thinks it sounds great, but... But what, Piper? Jesus Christ, would you get to the goddamned point already? I can't stand these talky openings. Finally, at long last, she explains her central issue with the whole thing: "It's one thing to save the world from evil every week. It's another thing entirely to change the world just because we can. I mean, isn't that a little cocky?" The Dolt, dismayed, argues that it's not "cocky" at all; rather, it's "a leap of faith," and one he's willing to fight for. "Not everyone has reached your level of faith yet," Piper reminds him, in tones she'd use to explain to her three-year-old Psycho why holding Tiny Gay Chris's head underwater for ten minutes at a time is perhaps not such a good idea. As the Dolt's about to unleash what I'm certain would be a witty retort, the sound of the front door slowly creaking open reaches their ears. Piper warily calls out her sisters' names, but receives no response.
Out in the main hall, Piper and the Dolt trudge across the carpet towards the gaping front door, with Piper noting, "That's odd. Did you leave it open?" "No, I orbed in," the Dolt reminds her as the two pass out of the frame. The instant they're gone, Secretly INSANE Brody darts from around the corner to take their place, looking anguished, or something. I so don't care anymore, which means this episode is going to be one hell of a long slog for yours truly, as it's All About The Bulge. Sigh. Why are they doing this to me? And on the night of the Golden Globes, no less? Is this because I'm a lesbian? "You son of a bitch!" Brody seethes as he slings his arm back to whip his Destructive Egyptian Vial Of Tendrilly Avatar Doom at the Dolt's gigantic gargoyle head and finally, some idiot on this show has perfect aim. The shot slides into slow motion as a set of angrily excited strings hit the soundtrack. The Dolt pivots around in surprise to face the secretly INSANE one as the vial sails through the air, headed straight for his teeth. Just as Piper spins around herself, however, the entire scene grinds to a halt, save for the Dolt himself. "That was close," he breathes, goggling at the vial suspended in the air in front of his face for a bit before turning to thank Piper for her quick Hands. As he realizes she's frozen as well, a shrill whoosh trills off-screen to indicate that The Avatars Have Entered The Building, and I'm Not Candy can shortly be heard agreeing, "Too close." The Dolt swings his head back around to find I'm Not Candy and Uniqua lounging around in the center parlor. Uniqua looks just as thrilled to be here as I am. "That's the second time he's tried to kill you," I'm Not Candy reminds the Dolt. Yeah, but...oh, hell, there's no other way for me to put this: Shut the fuck up, I'm Not Candy. The first time doesn't count, because you all pressed The Great Big Reset Button In The Sky, you idiot. You also reset time without swiping Brody's Destructive Egyptian Vial Of Tendrilly Avatar Doom, so not only did you know how he was going to react once he rediscovered the Dolt's Avatarliciousness, you also biffed the opportunity to prevent it from happening again and therefore have no one to blame for this but yourselves. God, is everyone on this show a fucking retard?