Episode Report Card Demian: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Secretly INSANE Brody And The Warehouse Of Doom
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.15.2005
And look at that. While I've been otherwise occupied chiding the crack monkeys who type for this wretched, horrible show, the camera's cut back over to the nonexistent attic, where Mousy Neighbor Lady is appropriately horrified to discover that demons and witches and Stoopid Magikal Kreatures really exist. Try recapping them all, bitch. "Denise" also manages to demolish a few priceless antiques with Piper's borrowed and currently out-of-control Hands Of Discontent. "Why does that keep happening?" Mousy Denise wails after she detonates another vase. Piper assures her temporary houseguest that, if she just calms down a bit, she'll stop blowing things up. "Wait," Mousy Denise interrupts. "You guys fight demons here all the time, right?" "Pretty much," Piper confirms with an amazing amount of patience coming from someone who is so, well, Piper. "See, I just thought you always threw a bunch of wild parties," Mousy Denise confesses, "with, you know, things breaking and people screaming. I had no idea." Because you're an idiot, Denise. You and every other goddamned resident of Prescott Street, apparently. I mean, Big Gay Chris blowing up the worthless Dolt on the front lawn in broad daylight should have clued you all in two years ago at the very least, but did it? No. Morons. In any event, Phoebe picks this moment to barge in with the loser, with no warning whatsoever. A startled Mousy Denise, taking a page from first-season Piper's book, flaps her hands around while shrieking in surprise, freezing the new arrivals in the process. Yes, either Phoebe or the loser should have remained unaffected by the freezing mojo because of that "Good Witches" rule, but I am so beyond caring at this point. This bit exists only so Piper can get in another supposedly comic bit wherein she gingerly manipulates Mousy Denise's hands to unfreeze the new arrivals without "blowing up the sister." Though Lord knows Mousy Denise could blow Phoebe up again and again and again and this assy show's rapidly dwindling audience would most likely cheer her on.
Gah. Anyway, once the freeze is removed, Phoebe and Ronnie The Loser complete their trek into the nonexistent room to reverse the spell, which Phoebe quickly locates in the Book. Piper reminds Mousy Denise and Ronnie The Loser never to speak of any of this to anyone right before Phoebe urges them to gather around the Book so they might recite the spell together. It's at this point, of course, that Ronnie The Loser and Mousy Denise decide it'd be far more fun to avenge themselves on those who have wronged them in the past. For Ronnie The Loser, that would be the California Lottery Commission, because they never sold him a winning ticket. Just go with it. For Mousy Denise, it would be her bastard of an ex-husband, who ran off with her money and his secretary, leaving her saddled with an unpayable mortgage. Phoebe and Piper desperately babble out explanations regarding personal gain and, like, karma swinging around to kick you in the ass, or something, but none of their arguments work. "Whaddya say we go get rich?" Ronnie The Loser proposes. "Okay," Mousy Denise nods, "but only if we can blow up my ex-husband afterwards." "No, no, no!" Phoebe protests. "Because that would be personal gain and exposure, not to mention murder!" Oh, cram it, you hypocritical hag. There's a massive collective eyeroll from Ronnie The Loser, Mousy Denise, and whatever audience remains for this garbage before the former two spin on their heels to exit the attic. Piper and Phoebe give momentary chase, but Mousy Denise, displaying a remarkable mastery of powers she was incapable of controlling mere seconds ago, simply tosses out a quick freeze before giggling and skittering into the commercial break with her new best loser friend. God, I hate this show.