Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Hard Vs. Mean
By Jacob Clifton | Season 2 | Episode 2 | Aired on 06.21.2011
SPEAKING OF
Aria heads over to Spencer's house after ditching Ezra for zero reasons, and finds it burgled. Despite the fact that people are constantly trying to murder her at all hours of the day, and that at least one confirmed pedo murderer lives here, Aria blithely heads the fuck on inside.
Aria: "Hellooo! Burglar, are you there? Are you Ezra? Because if not, I don't give a shit."
A ghost ninja comes rocketing down the stairs, punching her in the boob so she flies through the air -- literally knocking her out of her shoes -- then escaping through the open door.
LATER
Spencer: "Wow, so somebody broke in and stole all our camping equipment, then kicked the shit out of you?"
Aria, shaken but not stirred: "I really need to process about Ezra right now, Spence."
Spencer: "It's not so much the constantly getting murdered and spied on that's bothering me these days. I just hate that feeling of violation where everybody's constantly breaking into our houses and stealing our shit. I should buy a handgun."
Aria: "Actually, now that you mention it, why is the burglar burgling camping equipment? Maybe we assumed A was behind the break-ins, because that's the kind of shit she always does, but it was actually any of the other thousands of sketchy people in our town who also do things like that all the time?"
Spencer: "You mean, do we know anybody who might still be alive but hiding out in the woods after we blackmailed them and saw them get strangled to death but then disappeared?"
Spencer: "Good question. Let's get to the obvious conclusion as slowly as possible."
(Years pass. These conversations are a lot harder to take without Hanna there, chugging things along with her inane questions and delightful demeanor.)
Screaming Teapot: "Scary kitchen noises, as always, imply Ian. He was the burglar -- and he was there to burgle Spencer's life! Right out of her! Do the math, girls!"
SCHOOL
Emily: "So, not to be naïve and unprofessional, but do you think I could get an offer letter out of you? Just like as a favor to me, you think maybe you could produce in writing a promise to gamble around a hundred thousand bucks on my athletic career?"
Scout: "Little girl, that is not how this works. You're still like in middle school."
Emily: "It's a long story, but basically my mom has infinite, completely valid reasons to get me the hell out of this town, so I need something to leverage."
Scout: "I can give you a maybe letter, but not a real letter. It would be in crayon, on a cafeteria napkin, and mean nothing. How does that sound?"
Emily: "Sounds like I'm gonna be defrauding some people is how it sounds, dude."