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The new Jason DiLaurentis is glamorous and chin-dented, with an eerie resemblance to his dead sister. It turns out that A has animal familiars that she's using to investigate his yard, but he's onto her and will be building a fence. A fence, I'm saying, to keep out A's animal servants. Seems Alison buried yet more mysterious shit in her yard, because apparently all Alison ever did is squirrel shit away, all over the universe, with the single-minded fervor of a Dust Bowl widow.
What else... Oh! Probably the best Ezria episode of all time. There's much montaging (including the Weepies!) about Aria's ambivalence toward her pedo boyfriend, his new job at college, his responsibilities, and Jackie Molina, but eventually he delivers a heartfelt last-day speech to the children in his care that is both super sweet and also totally fake, because it's really an apology to Aria for the (as usual) nothing he did wrong.
At the last second, the sun breaks through their rainy-day pathetic fallacy and she kisses him in the parking lot, and it is just gorgeous. I mean that. If that scene were an advertisement for literally anything, I would buy whatever it was. I can honestly say I haven't felt that much like a teenage girl in my entire life, but somehow in the course of that scene I, too, knew what it was to make out with an authority figure in a high school parking lot. And to enjoy it.
Otherwise, everybody's stressing out about how they're not allowed to see each other. Or at least, that's what they think. In fact, what they are doing is hanging out the entire episode while complaining about how they're not allowed to hang out. Beyond the Ezra stuff, there is a lot of other distracting mess happening:
Hanna's affianced Dad is back in town, putting her mother Ashley on a sexy, hilarious Red Alert. She vents a great deal of spleen on her dad, to the point where when Mona comes back begging for forgiveness -- and Hanna's technically friendless, of course, at this time -- Hanna has no ire left for her. Mona is looking fly these days, BTW.
Spencer's sister Melissa is skulking about, on pregnant bed-rest, but still sneaking away on foot to visit what we assume to be Ian's hiding place. As usual, Spencer is torn between a harsh love of Melissa and total mistrust, which makes for wonderfully tense scenes that make her moments with Toby all the sweeter. Toby, on the other hand, is having one shitter of a week: He's going GED so he can earn enough money to get away from his House of Horrors, but gets fired on day one for his Boo Radley reputation.
Emily gets scouted by a college recruiter, who says she needs to stay in Rosewood to get a scholarship. With new girlfriend Samara in tow, she basically decides to forge an offer letter to fool Pam into going along with it. I'm sure that will end well.
In the middle of all of this, Aria surprises an intruder at Spencer's house and gets the shit kicked out of her, but because it's Aria -- secretly the most hardcore one of them all, thanks to her solipsism; shielded by the fact that this isn't related to Ezra and is thus completely irrelevant -- she just keeps on truckin' and barely remembers to mention it to anybody else. It is just not part of her agenda.
Most importantly of all, Mona has been dumped by Noel Kahn. Let's get a moment of silence for that. I hope she recovers, although I don't see how she possibly could.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Everybody stands around in that greenhouse feeling weird. Somebody might be on top of it, shaking trees and causing dirt to fall on the glass roof, which is very scary. Perhaps it is a commercial for auto insurance into which they have blundered. They stare at each other for awhile, discussing last week's episode and how they are not allowed to hang out with each other and thus will be hanging out with each other precisely the same amount as usual, then go running out into the night.
Because it still seems impossible to understand where everybody lives, even after an entire season, it only seems right that Spencer's greenhouse is door to the Old DiLaurentis house, the Hastings barn and house, Emily's house, a few graveyards, a forest, a cliff, a river, some treestumps, the Cavanaugh house, the Town Square, and the Rosewood Grille.
Liars: "Why is Jason lurking about in the yard of Maya's house?"
Liars: "It's because he lives in that house now, all alone."
Liars: "Why is he throwing out all that memorial tribute stuff people kept leaving for their dead sister?"
Liars: "Possibly because it makes Toby feel weird, but more than likely it's because he's a DiLaurentis and thus damaged far beyond our mortal ability to comprehend."
THE BIG BREAKUP
Hanna: "Mom, you clearly do not believe in therapy, so why do I have to?"
Ashley: "Because you are an absolute mess, my darling."
Hanna: "True enough."
Ashley: "Also, your father heard about the corpses hanging from the trees and how you lied to the cops and are going crazy, so he sent you a Best Buy gift certificate."
Hanna: "He may be my daddy but he ain't my father."
Ashley: "We're a good team, you and I. Healthy choices. But seriously, he's bringing the carnival of his new life back to Rosewood to make things irritating for you."
Hanna: "I will act out most gloriously."
Ashley: "I approve. Meanwhile, I will be sleeping with your father. Wrecking lives is what I do."
Pam Fields: "Emily, sorry but your time is up. Somebody just offered to rent our house for an entire year."
Emily: "I don't ever complain, so consider this face a substitute."
Pam: "I know it's hard. But it's not mean."
(What a great line! Parents should add that one to their repertoire, stat. It explains the entire world.)
Pam: "Additionally, I'm sorry that you have to leave your cell phone on the dining room table when you're at home so I can monitor your discussions."
Emily: "Mom, I'm on the phone right now with everybody else."
Parentless Aria: "Ezra, I can't talk to you right now."
Ezra: "Come to my apartment and we can talk later, after I meet with the department heads of my new employment."
Aria: "...And Jackie Molina? Is this one of those sex meetings?"
Ezra: "Aria, sometimes you befuddle me."
Aria: "My father got laid more at the university than he ever did at home. I'm working from a reality handicap here."
Ezra: "Like I'm going to show up anyway."
Melissa Hastings: "Spencer, look at the ultrasound of my devil baby!"
Spencer: "Is it a boy?"
Melissa: "No! Those are the horns!"
Spencer: "I would have gone to the appointment with you. I love pretending that you're my sister and we love each other."
Melissa: "I'm going to be hanging around in the living room from now on, waiting for my dead husband to text me."
Spencer: "In one way, that puts a crimp in my plan of spying on you all the time. In another way, that might work."
Melissa: "Try this tea I got from my OB-GYN. It's got tannis root!"
Spencer: "It has a funny undertaste."
SCHOOL
Mona continues to bring her total A-game to Season Two. What a delightful person she has become to watch! I predict big things, Ashley Tisdale-sized things, for Janel Parrish.
Mona: "Big A! Let's chat, girlfriend!"
Aria: "I am not your friend. I am not Big. I am in a pickle right now."
Mona: "I have two quick favors to ask you for. Number one, please help me pick out a goodbye present for Mr. Fitz. I plan on breaking some knees to get the money, which is like my dream job, but I'm not sure what he would want."
Aria: "Mr. Who? Why on earth would I know?"
Mona: "Because you are fucking him. Number two, I got dumped by Noel Kahn and I think I might kill myself. Could you hook me back up with Hanna?"
Aria: "I am not talking to Hanna right now, except to talk about how we can't talk."
Mona: "How come?"
This part is amazing:
Aria: "Are you aware of the news or anything that goes on around you?"
Mona: "Not really, no."
Aria: "Okay, well, Spencer almost got murdered by the town Peeping Tom, who was then murdered and kidnapped by a ghost ninja. So we're even more infamous than usual."
Mona: "Right, right. I remember now."
Aria: "So I can buy Ezra's goodbye gift -- and thank you for validating our special relationship -- but I'm afraid I can't talk to Hanna right now for you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to spend some time with Hanna."
Mona: "Cool, I'll just hang out being absolutely gorgeous and the best character on this show out of nowhere."
LUNCH
The girls are standing in line at the counter, talking about how they can't talk. Then as a group they walk through the lunchroom, talking about how they can't be seen together. Then as a group they all sit down for lunch, to discuss further how they can't have lunch together.
Hanna: "This is bullshit. It is an admission of guilt. We have to eat lunch together or our lives will fall apart."
Everybody, despite Hanna being totally correct as usual: Abruptly disperses.
Mona: Waves desperately at Hanna while the girls separate.
Hanna: Puts her lunch down on a random table and then wanders away, oddly.
A: "When I am not murdering you or breaking into your houses, I will totally be forcing you to eat lunch alone. Suck on that, bitches!"
Everybody: Stares around suspiciously.
SCHOOL DAY
Toby: "So I'm quitting school, due to my role as the town scapegoat, and getting my GED. On the up, I have taken a job in construction, due to my ridiculous build, which will allow me to raise enough money to leave my haunted scary house."
Spencer: "And then leave Rosewood?"
Toby: "I might stick around, for like a girlfriend or something."
Spencer, looking a little pale: "Yeah, no pressure."
Samara: "Remember me? I look kind of different, but I used to go to a different high school and then you accidentally went on a date with me while trying to work through the snarl of Paige's mental problems. I guess we're dating and I go to this school now."
Emily: "I'm glad somebody's paying attention. Thanks for not drowning me yet. I am preemptively sad about how we're not even officially dating yet and I have to move to Texas. In some ways this is my most fulfilling lesbian relationship yet."
Samara: "So you're saying you don't want to start anything new while your entire future is up in the air? Not very gay of you."
Emily: "Psych! I just wondered what it would be like to be that kind of person. We are totally girlfriends now."
Smarmy, dimpled recruiter: "Emily Fields? I would like to offer you a college scholarship, specifically for people who are not moving to Texas."
HASTINGS
Melissa: "Spencer, why are you putting store-bought brownies on a plate like you baked them yourself?"
Spencer: "Because it's the most Spencer Thing I could possibly do? But it gets better, because I'm going to take them door to Jason and pretend to welcome him to the neighborhood."
Melissa: "Jason DiLaurentis? He looks very different now and doesn't have that distinctive voice he used to have. Also, bears an eerie resemblance to his dead sister."
Spencer: "Speaking of, do you remember how Jason and your dead husband used to be friends and do drugs and spy on us young girls and then your dead husband killed his sister and tried to frame me for it? Does any of that ring a bell?"
Melissa: "Subtle, Spence. You literally cannot go a single scene without fucking with my head."
Spencer: "Humor is subjective!"
Needless to say this conversation goes poorly, due to Ian either being dead and leaving Melissa a widow, or being very much alive, making her a psycho. Also, I know this doesn't make sense but I can't stop thinking about how Spenser/"Spencer" connects to Coleridge/"Taylor," and how maybe their devil baby really is named after its aunt, in that way. The other thing I forgot to say last week is: How funny was it when Jenna came to the window last week after Spencer knocked on the door?
Jenna: "Hellooo? Who's out there on the porch? I can't tell because I'm blind."
MARIN
I like having Hanna be the one kicking against the pricks w/r/t to the Big Breakup, because Hanna will always have the most to be angry about.
Ashley: "Hanna, you remember your father."
Dad: "Hanna, it's a pleasure to see you. Gotten run over lately?"
Hanna: "Do you hear something? Must be the wind. Anyway, I was just over here thinking about my 99 problems and abandonment issues."
Ashley: "I know, it's been tough not hanging out with the other girls. I overheard you discussing that with them at length and I was so sorry for all of you."
Dad: "Hanna, I'm sorry I abandoned you and made you even more of a basketcase, but I'm here now. Let's not really be a family in any way."
Hanna: "Mother, please tell the man standing to your left that I appreciate his concern. Now, I must go."
Ashley: "Ex-husband, our daughter would like to tell you that you never should have left us, because I have made a hash of our lives. Also that we should do it. Have some wine?"
Dad: "How about a martini?"
Ashley: "No, we are going to drink this entire bottle of wine and then I'm going to make an assault on your soon-to-be-remarried trousers."
Dad: "Let me open that for you."
FIELDS
Emily's Computer: "Somebody crashed me! Blue Screen of Death! No more videos! If only the Liars knew about the Cloud. Or still had the USB drive with that information. Or if only this had already happened like ten times, so you'd know to watch out for it."
Emily: "I am so consumed with the hundred other things going on in this episode that I can barely care about this latest thing. I'm sure the open house situation is to blame."
Pam: "Speaking of, time to pack up. Although there's less stuff to pack, now that our garage has been burgled. Who steals camping equipment?"
Emily: "Off the top of my head? Hanna, Ian, Toby, Caleb, Paige and myself. Most of those, multiple times. We are a running-away bunch of mothers."
CAMP PACKANACK
New Jason not only resembles Alison to an amazing degree, but more importantly he looks precisely like the boyfriend on the cover of every teen novel published from like 1975 to the present day: Overly lush, chin-dented and glamorous. He could be the Fabio of tween lit. His hair alone could bring on your menses.
Spencer: "Hey, Jason. Remember how we were totally weird together at the funeral, and then totally weird together a couple other times? I brought you some brownies. Let's get weird."
Jason: "Hold on, first I have to throw shit at this adorable dog that keeps digging at this one suspicious spot in my yard... There. Now, what weirdness can I do for you?"
Spencer: "I just wanted to ask some unsubtle questions about when you used to hang out and do drugs with Ian, and then he killed your sister, and then he tried to frame me for it and kill me also, and then was killed by a ghost ninja, and is now himself haunting the woods."
Jason: "Wait, Ian killed my sister? That changes everything. I'm going to go from being slightly sketchy to full-on crazy, okay? I was already getting my Jenna on, poking into shit and having a mysterious agenda, but now I'm seriously going to go hardcore on it. Like, kicking down drywall and worming into crawlspaces and stuff."
FLASHBACK
The Liars were hanging out in the DiLaurentis yard this one day, like something out of Spenser actually, when Jason threw a big old fit. You know how Alison imbues every scene with this like sexy hostility, until it's so repulsive you can't look away? That happened. (And New Jason gave as good as he got on that account.)
Alison was rooting around in her brother's stuff, like she does constantly and -- to hear her obvious lie about it -- stole one of his Japanese porno comics. She laughed him down, the girls chimed in with shaming him because she is their God, and he stomped back inside. Alison made a weird joke about how he "has trouble with doorknobs" which was either just a reference to his gangliness or means something, and then the girls appreciatively asked for more details about the issue.
What Alison said was that she constantly steals stuff and hides it in places -- all over the house, the yard, storage lockers, their houses, coastal Georgia -- and that this was yet another reason for them to obsess/hate on her. Of course she had hiding places in the house and the yard. You'll never go bankrupt betting on how nuts Alison was.
Anyway, Spencer finishes flashbacking and bids Jason a good day.
SCHOOL
Recruiter: "So Emily, I've just been chilling around campus this week. Any thoughts on our scholarship quasi-offer? Not moving to Texas or anything?"
Emily: "Continuity is so important to a growing young athlete, as well as my serial monogamy, so I will not be going anywhere. I'm sure I can convince my mom to let me stay alone in Rosewood, where all the guys are constantly trying to kill me and all the girls are constantly trying to tempt me into sexual relations. She's open-minded like that."
CONSTRUCTION SITE
Hoping to get a glimpse of Toby doing a Diet Coke commercial -- and this is just one of the many signs of her brilliance, this impulse -- Spencer heads down to the site, but Toby is immediately fired before he even takes his shirt off. Fate is one cruel skank sometimes.
Toby: "The house we were working on contains young girls, and you know how I'm always attacking those."
Spencer: "Did you explain that you only do that when you're related to them?"
(She immediately and awesomely decides to beat the shit out of his foreman.)
Toby: "This isn't my first rodeo. I've been the Boo Radley for awhile now, I know how it works."
Spencer: "Get in this car right now, then. We're going to go somewhere and do some thangs. Mama's got a need for some stress relief."
Toby: "I know you can't tell because my face is naturally mournful, but I'm kind of not in the mood for your jittery, steamrolling attempts at comfort."
Spencer: "You and my sister both. I feel like kicking a truck in half."
CHEZ FITZ
Aria chills in Ezra's apartment for what is subjectively one hundred years, but is probably like ten minutes, while he attempts to have a meeting with his new employers on the collegiate level. Ezra's priorities, Aria seems to think, are well out of whack. The degree to which Aria finds real-life responsibilities a hassle is both adorable and terrifying. As long as she's there, though, she at least replaces the diploma that A stole and put in Therapy Anne's office.
FIELDS
Emily: "So I got a full ride at Danby College, possibly. My dreams are coming true right before your eyes."
Pam: "I knew the day I allowed you to wear trousers that you'd eventually become a bluestocking. I'm so proud of you! Now that you'll never be married, I mean, at least you can learn a trade. In my day those Kelly Girls could thrill you with their shorthand. Why I recall one young lady at my daddy's office, fresh out of Vassar, she wore these scarves all the time..."
Emily: "Just one thing. I can't move to Texas with you."
Pam: "Sigh. Her hair smelled just like a field of bluebells. Wait, what? Well, then probably you will not be going to college."
Emily: "Seriously?"
Pam: "No, just kidding. Action plan now is that I'll discuss it with your dad."
Emily: "Cool. I've got him in the bag."
Pam: "But I think maybe it would be good to get a firmer commitment from Danby. If you can produce an offer letter, we'll think about ways to make this happen."
Man, once Pam got awesome she just stayed there, didn't she? What a level-headed, loving approach -- especially considering how committed she is to the idea of family and keeping everybody together, and how much pain she's been in with Emily's dad being gone. I sure hope her return to being a great parent (presumably she's usually a great parent, since you don't get Emily from nowhere) doesn't end up biting her in the ass.
FITZ
Aria: "Spencer, of your many robot powers, the one I need right now is your innate ability to know how long to wait for things."
Spencer: "I did not know that this was a skill, but thank you."
Aria: "How long should I hang around Fitz's apartment to have the conversation we both agreed was necessary, like I planned with him earlier this afternoon?"
Spencer: "How long have you been waiting thus far?"
Aria: "Approximately ten years."
Spencer: "So like, twenty minutes? Listen, this is maybe the most important afternoon of his entire career, setting the tone for the rest of his life and the rest of your life together. How about you wait there until he shows up, considering that was the agreement you made? Like an adult?"
Aria: "You've given me much to think about."
Spencer: "Cool. Listen, I gotta go hang out with Toby in the woods."
(One lovely Weepies montage later...)
Aria: "Well. I'm bored."
MARIN
Hanna: "Hey Dad, do you think I need therapy possibly because you fucked my life over and disappeared? Do you think I should blame my bulimia on your divorce? Do you think constantly getting run over, and crashing cars, and forcing myself on Christians, and letting werewolves deflower me outdoors while robbing me, and prostituting myself at school dances, and day-drinking in high school, you think any of that might have anything to do with you?"
Dad: "Hanna, that's awful."
Hanna: "Oh, I know! I'm not a total cliché, I was just messing with you. Sorry."
Dad: "...Good one?"
Dad: "Look. I told you that you'd always be my daughter before I left, and then I totally avoided you ever since then, because you are an unholy disaster. That's on me."
Hanna: "Don't forget my bitch stepsister."
Dad: "She is an angel. Don't you dare talk about my daughter like that."
Hanna: "Um, wow."
Dad: "Sorry. Let's just try to make this work. I'm sorry I left you in the grips of your insane, awesome mother, but I'm here now to fix you."
Hanna: "Oh, I dare you."
SOME OLD MOVIE
Emily: "It's so weird how we're on a date at a movie theater together talking about my need for an offer letter from that recruiter."
Samara: "Why is that weird?"
Emily: "Because I went to a movie once with Maya. I would also be acting like this if we were at a karaoke honky-tonk, or if you were trying to drown me. Feelings, constant intense feelings, are my bailiwick."
Samara: "I had a Maya too. Her name was Marian, and the back of her head turned me gay."
Emily: "Did you score?"
Samara: "Uh. Look at me."
Emily: "This is fun! I love getting schmoopy about old girlfriends when I'm on dates."
Samara: "You are living proof that gay people are born this way."
THE GRILLE
Mona: "Hanna, thanks for meeting me even though you've turned me down eleven times."
Hanna: "I don't have any other friends in this episode, besides my usual friends. Listen, is Noel going to interrupt us again?"
Mona: "He done me wrong, Hanna."
Oh, Noel Kahn. You cruel beauty. Butterflies are free, I guess. I feel so bad for Mona, though. She blew her wad in high school and now no man will ever measure up.
Mona: "I'm so obsessed with you I can't even think about the Noel thing, Hanna."
Hanna: "That would be terrifying if I were paying attention."
Mona: "Hanna, will you ever love me as much as I love you? I want to swallow you whole and keep you in my belly, like a furnace full of love."
Hanna: "Okay, assuming Noel Kahn's coming back before Jacob passes out from holding his breath, I want you to watch out for him. He's got a staring problem and he writes on cars sometimes."
Mona: "Your mouth is saying Watch out for Noel Kahn but my crazy is hearing This is a sign that our obsession is mutual."
Mona is once again super sweet about the sabotage thing, and Hanna forgives her finally -- the which, awesomely, Mona compares to religious providence -- because abject Mona is sort of gorgeously affecting. Besides, anybody who gets dumped by Noel Kahn at least deserves something chocolate-oriented, with like "molten" or "massacre" in the title. So they agree to have a little No Boys Allowed Club about not discussing Caleb or Noel Kahn, despite Noel Kahn being absolutely the most important thing in the universe.
SOME CLIFF
Spencer: "Man, if people could see us now they'd wonder which of us was going to push the other."
Toby: "It's true. We have much in common -- terrible relationships with our sisters, undiagnosed spectrum disorders, inappropriate sexual contact with those in our immediate family -- but most of all what we share is being pariahs. I'm used to it."
Spencer: "I don't have time for feelings."
Toby: "Look down there, through the eyes of an unfairly persecuted teen. It looks just like a normal town from up here."
Spencer: "Literally that is what it is."
Toby: "Not exactly. It's also The Crucible."
Spencer: "If this shit was The Crucible I could have gotten Ian shot by now."
Toby: "It's like a collective-mind creature from a monster movie. With a really long memory. One of those kind of creatures."
Spencer: "I don't know what that means, because I mostly read technical manuals and books about guerilla warfare. But you sure are cute."
Toby: "What should we do about all our problems?"
Spencer: "I dunno. Go to the cops?"
Toby: "Spencer, Rosewood PD has a 0% success rate not fucking us both over."
Spencer: "I keep forgetting that! Ah well, let us drown in infamy together."
Toby: "Awkwardly crouch with your hand on my upper thigh from about a foot away, so it looks from precisely one odd angle like we're cuddling even though we're barely touching."
Spencer: "Mm. Just like Aria and Ezra."
SPEAKING OF
Aria heads over to Spencer's house after ditching Ezra for zero reasons, and finds it burgled. Despite the fact that people are constantly trying to murder her at all hours of the day, and that at least one confirmed pedo murderer lives here, Aria blithely heads the fuck on inside.
Aria: "Hellooo! Burglar, are you there? Are you Ezra? Because if not, I don't give a shit."
A ghost ninja comes rocketing down the stairs, punching her in the boob so she flies through the air -- literally knocking her out of her shoes -- then escaping through the open door.
LATER
Spencer: "Wow, so somebody broke in and stole all our camping equipment, then kicked the shit out of you?"
Aria, shaken but not stirred: "I really need to process about Ezra right now, Spence."
Spencer: "It's not so much the constantly getting murdered and spied on that's bothering me these days. I just hate that feeling of violation where everybody's constantly breaking into our houses and stealing our shit. I should buy a handgun."
Aria: "Actually, now that you mention it, why is the burglar burgling camping equipment? Maybe we assumed A was behind the break-ins, because that's the kind of shit she always does, but it was actually any of the other thousands of sketchy people in our town who also do things like that all the time?"
Spencer: "You mean, do we know anybody who might still be alive but hiding out in the woods after we blackmailed them and saw them get strangled to death but then disappeared?"
Spencer: "Good question. Let's get to the obvious conclusion as slowly as possible."
(Years pass. These conversations are a lot harder to take without Hanna there, chugging things along with her inane questions and delightful demeanor.)
Screaming Teapot: "Scary kitchen noises, as always, imply Ian. He was the burglar -- and he was there to burgle Spencer's life! Right out of her! Do the math, girls!"
SCHOOL
Emily: "So, not to be naïve and unprofessional, but do you think I could get an offer letter out of you? Just like as a favor to me, you think maybe you could produce in writing a promise to gamble around a hundred thousand bucks on my athletic career?"
Scout: "Little girl, that is not how this works. You're still like in middle school."
Emily: "It's a long story, but basically my mom has infinite, completely valid reasons to get me the hell out of this town, so I need something to leverage."
Scout: "I can give you a maybe letter, but not a real letter. It would be in crayon, on a cafeteria napkin, and mean nothing. How does that sound?"
Emily: "Sounds like I'm gonna be defrauding some people is how it sounds, dude."
TO SIR, WITH HAND-HOLDING
As Almighty Shusher, one of Aria's little-used powers is controlling the weather. Since this is Ezra's last day as a high school teacher, and she's kind of dumped him -- in her own mind, at least, with a combination of attrition, boredom, and the teen privilege of seeing each moment as truly momentous -- Aria has made it a rainy, glum sad day. With the most perfect music. This whole episode, actually, has pretty great tunes.
Ezra: "Aw, thanks. More books. I'll miss all of you. Now, pretend that the following speech -- delivered, to my credit, without staring at Aria barely at all -- is about you."
Verbatim: "To be honest, most of what's happened to me here, I didn't expect. I didn't expect to connect with you the way that I have. I never expected to feel this kind of loss over leaving you. Stop me when this gets too maudlin..."
(Stop! Don't stop!)
Verbatim: "...But I'm not going to forget you. I will remember your voices, your questions, your faces. I cherish the time that I've spent here, and I'm more grateful than I even know how to say. There's a quote by Joseph Campbell and it goes, You must give up the life you'd planned, in order to have the life that is waiting for you. I thought I knew what that meant. I didn't. Until I met you."
Lots of hugs -- "Oh! Always read. And have a good life," he mentions as an afterthought, to the students, who are an afterthought -- and one of the little boys sweetly calls out, "We love you, Mr. Fitz!" Spencer, of course, shakes his hand like a good little man. They file out, and it's over.
Aria retires to the lunchroom -- it's so rainy that it seems like the middle of the night -- and then in one big slow-motion drama-filled move sweeps back down the hall, into the classroom. But what is this? The room is empty. Sir has left. She spins in lofty heartbroken misery. If only she knew where he lived! Or where his new place of employment is located! Or what his phone number is!
Just then, the sun bursts into the room, and she slow-mos over to the window, hope dawning on her face... It is he! He is packing his sad shit into his sad car, the rain-flooded gutters crying out for the life he thought he wanted! She makes her way -- slowly, but so quickly too -- out into the parking lot, and calls his name like a grownup, and they kiss! In public, on school grounds, with (imagine there are) millions of extras watching! Believe in love! Believe in the stars!
LOTS TO UNPACK
Now, first of all, it reads like a mission statement: You are now allowed to think of them as a couple. And the way it is shot is so beautiful and romantic that I guess I can buy in. You heard it here first: Aria and Ezra were awesome in this episode. (Shh, I know. I'll get to you in a second.)
But the whole thing about statutory is the idea of authority being misused, this idea of compulsion. In the UK, actually, "age of consent" has been the kind of hotly debated issue that gay marriage is here: It's the way of controlling who gets to do what, by applying different criteria to different sexualities as a way of protecting kids while also acknowledging that different situations are different: That being a teenager is pretty much a drive-by shooting for everybody, but especially complex when issues of nonstandard sexual identity enter the ring. It's also used to imply that gay people are worthless, out of an archaic sense that equates sexual maturity and decision-making to, like, the right to choose self-destructive behavior like tobacco or drinking.
Of course, in our country the deal with statutory is a little different, because we're so concerned with protecting everybody that we often don't trust them to make their own decisions. It's a party line, this "authority is always at issue" thing, and I don't really have a problem with it except as a symptom of a larger issue, which is that rules of thumb or trite sayings tend to override our common sense. You can look at a situation like this, knowing all the details, and still somehow that desire to follow the rule of thumb will tell you that something hinky is going on.
And definitely something hinky is going on, but it's not a power thing. It's the opposite of a power thing. The problem with Ezra isn't that he's a predator, it's that he's settling for a high school student. Lots of grossness there, but he's not a rapist. And I have enough faith in people to assume that we're still capable of letting situational concerns override those oversimplified "X Always Means Y" things we were taught as kids. Don't fuck your teachers, that's good advice. Make decisions for other people, that's terrible advice.
So that is the first thing: Sometimes we get so excited about feminism that we fuck it up completely and it turns into the opposite. We get so intent on describing someone as a victim -- the moral ecstasy of our own outrage -- that we completely overrule any decisions or thought processes that might be occurring in their heads, which is completely dehumanizing. At some point, you let the person fuck up. At some point, in order to let the story continue telling itself to you, you have to just take what the show is telling you at face value, instead of interpreting it in terms of what you wish the story was about.
Or too, we can get so concerned about a faceless, hypothetical other who might be offended by the thing that we don't stop to wonder if that person even really exists. I feel like there's a little bit of that recreational outrage centered on the Aria/Ezra storyline -- which frankly, it's ridiculous because this whole show is about how to defend yourself from the monsters that lurk under every boy's façade of hotness -- which also seems like a good way to opt out of the entire storyline for no good reason.
Like, recently there was a bit of a dustup by a few Gossip Girl fans who were quite certain that somewhere out there was a victim of domestic violence that might be troubled outrageously by what they viewed as domestic violence on the show. As a survivor of pretty horrific family violence myself, but somebody who doesn't believe in whoring out my own experiences to make an intellectual point, or playing the "who's more offended" game, or in fact being offended by entertainment generally, I could not have felt good about playing the card.
And given the sheltered nature of this particular kind of faux-feminist, it wouldn't matter anyway because I'm a guy and can't take part in the conversation at all -- another easy-peasy rule of thumb that makes thinking so much easier -- no matter how laughable it is or my direct, non-imaginary experience of the thing being discussed: To suggest that a real-life victim of violence might actually know the difference between life and television would be, in this context, to further abuse and silence the mass of hypothetical victims. Or at least the sheltered, privileged young ladies who felt empowered to speak on their imaginary behalf.
But even if I didn't have personal experience of a particular thing, I still wouldn't be interested in playing any card, because ultimately those conversations are more about the theoretical and about confusing fiction and reality, descriptive and prescriptive, which isn't something that interests me because it's a maze you can't get out of until you grow up and have some actual life experiences away from your computer. It was sad and it was ugly and a lot of good and brilliant young women got their feelings hurt, but it didn't really change my feelings about the seriously dangerous* disservice feminism has been done by Generation X's inability to use the internet properly, which is what the whole thing is really about. That, and the second wave's obsolete inability to discern between fact and wish, What Is and What Should Be, hard and mean:
*Hard: "Watch your ass. Keep an eye on your drink, don't go upstairs at the frat house, don't walk down scary streets in the middle of the night. Carry a weapon."
Mean: "You have the right to do whatever you want, and we'll just hope nothing bad happens. And if it does, we'll get to be outraged some more!"
Hard: "No. Reality is reality. Bad things happen that don't need to happen. Use your head."
Mean: "Stop blaming the victim!"
Hard: "There isn't a victim yet. Obviously if something happens, God forbid, we'll deal with that. This rule applies only beforehand. Don't jump the gun just because you want everything to be a simple mental exercise."
Mean: "Stop being mean! I want the imaginary world where I can do whatever I want to be real!"
Hard: "I'm not being mean. I also fervently wish for that world and I would like to help bring it about. But right now is also real, realer by a great margin in fact, so grow up. Fight the actual fight, not the sheltered pretend hypothetical fight."
Mean: "But my dreamworld uninformed by logic! College is a very exciting time for a young person! If you don't know anything for sure, then everything is up for debate!"
Hard: "And yet somehow I'm the asshole here."
Anyway, given those things -- the show's declaration of their couplehood in this season, the removal of the legal squick, the actual movement forward of them both as people for once -- I was very curious to see what the response would be, to what I saw as the show's intent to recreate them as an actual, no-shame couple. The way legalizing their situation and taking it out of the shadows changes everything about the way the show operates; the way the Montgomerys will have to deal with it now; the effect it will have on Ella and Byron and Mike; the fact that Ezra now goes from being Aria's Big Secret to solely being a loved one who must be protected from the Secrets. Fascinating, I think.
What I forgot, what I always forget, is the shippers. And you know how I feel about that. Likewise the antishippers, who are as obsessed with hating on a particular couple, sometimes moreso, than they are passionately interested in a given couple. Either way, it's shipping and it's dumb. And not to say that Ezria are not totally boring, because a lot of the time they are, but it has its place in the story and it is a good thing to have on the show:
This belief that she's somehow exempt because she's so much artsier and mature than her fellows, that's a major part of what Aria's all about. In terms of her family, in fact, it's even more central, because the irony of her rather mature/boring relationship just makes her giddy, cheating parents look dumber, which is fascinating. Take away the Ezra thing, just because you don't like the couple or don't think they have "chemistry" (which is a made-up and completely subjective quantity the majority of the time and corresponds to your ship anyway) and you basically have no Aria to speak of. It's knitted into her character, which character is central to the story regardless of how she acts or dresses.
So maybe we could just assume that, regardless of whatever specific community you spend online time with, there is a one-to-one correspondence between your "ship" and whatever the other "ships" might be, and quit trying to change the universe through a skewed and hopeful fiction of democracy based on no real facts at all: For each Ezzzzria on this site's forums, for example, imagine there is an ~♥~Ezria!~♥~ somewhere else, and you're all watching the same show. You all love the same thing, just different tiny slices of it. Assume for every Chair there is a Dair, and move on from thair. (Or, if you really want to approach adult thought patterns, assume also there is a Nair, a Blairena, a Blenny, whatever.) Imagine for the sake of argument that all possibilities are valid regardless of your intense emotions, because you're being told a story and not ordering up a pizza, and you're not the one telling the story.
Which is to say yes, I loved the Aria/Ezra story in this episode, and may well go on to enjoy them more -- because there's some very bumpy, non-boring stuff coming! -- in weeks to come, but that's not a betrayal, because you never had me in the first place. Shipping is like licking the bag your lunch came in, without ever tasting what's inside, and then complaining about the taste. But in this particular case, in this particular episode, it was well-paced, well-written and well-filmed, and that's all I care about. The fact that I was emotionally engaged in those two fruitbats for a second just serves to prove the success of the scene.
And like all art, even that's obviously subjective, but I'll say this: Obsessively hating on this pairing, for example, means maybe missing out on a great scene -- even in terms of the high standard Norman Buckley sets for himself every outing -- because you were too busy critiquing it from the position of somebody who cares not at all about the artistry of television, of specific scenes and episodes, in favor of the satisfaction of a plot that only rarely can suit itself to your specific needs.
Anyway, they're dorks but at least now they are dorks out loud. The parking lot echoes with a mighty Ezzzzzzria and then puddles itself to sleep.
HASTINGS
Spencer comes home -- it's still raining in this part of Rosewood -- where bed-resting Melissa says she's been home all day. But if so, why are her cute pink wellies wet? And why is her raincoat wet, with the devil-baby ultrasound still in the pocket? Because Melissa's a goddamn liar.
Spencer, of course, immediately checks the car's hood for warmth, and determines that Ian must be within walking distance since Melissa didn't drive anywhere. So yes, he is camping out in the woods, a woodsly ghost, a soon-to-be father zombie, who has managed to locate a way of charging his phone or messaging device, despite being off the grid. And dead.
Spencer: "If only I were able to talk to my friends about this! But alas I cannot!"
Moments later: The girls convene to discuss it at length.
CAMP PACKANACK
Walking back from their intense meeting, after all those minutes of being kept apart, vowing to undermine and ignore the Big Breakup decree and lie their asses off -- like they've been doing this entire episode -- somehow they walk past the Old DiLaurentis house, where Jason is going nuts being sketch about absolutely everything involving the house and the yard. He is putting up a fence so that the dog will stop bothering the suspicious area of his yard. He is digging up strange holes. He is punching out chunks of drywall. He is tearing that mother down like the anti-Alison.
Jason: "There's a lot of curious creeps in the world. And one way or another, people are gonna mind their own business."
Liars: "You mean like us? Is that a threat? We tend to view everything as a threat, due to the fact that murderous people and dangerous objects keep flying directly at our faces every minute of every day. Not to mention that creepy blind girl."
Jason: "You girls better go home."
Liars: "That was highly ambiguous, but okay. Later!"
Liars: "Who's he trying to keep out with that fence?"
Aria: "Keep out? Or keep in?"
Liars: "...Um, keep out. That question made no sense whatsoever. Unless Alison is in the attic, dressing up like herself and spying on all of us because we all manage to be -door neighbors to this house simultaneously, that question made zero sense."
A-TAG
The dog digs into the tarp on the yard, and somebody whistles for him. The dog lies down sweetly and A gives him a good old-fashioned petting. Everybody tenses up because the dog is cute and A is awful, waiting forever and ever for the dog to get strangled or vacuumed up or put in a tote bag and smothered or whatever, but no. A just gives the dog the petting of a lifetime, and we out.
week: Emily defrauds her parents and the collegiate system, earning a tongue-lashing from Kyle Chandler. Melissa turns out to be building a wicker effigy of Ian in the woods and showing it pictures of their devil baby. Caleb opens a sports & outdoor store with all the camping supplies he's been stealing, while Lucas and Mona plan an outrageous scheme to get Noel Kahn back. Alison pushes Hanna's new stepsister down some stairs at a frat party. Jenna gets fired from her construction job and is forced to play the flute for pennies on busy street corners. Ezra is put firmly into jail.