Episode Report Card Erin: B- | 1 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Pssst. Lauren's evil. Pass it on.
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.10.2004
Florence, Italy. The place where, if the gods were being kind, I'd be right at this moment, enjoying a plate of orriechette in butter and sage and a nice, bright Florentine red. The gods apparently spit on my general existence, however, because I'm here, in Chicago, in April, AND IT'S THIRTY DEGREES OUTSIDE. Sigh. We head on over to the Covenant HQ, where Bomani has a bunch of guys in red overshirts manning computers. He asks one of them how much longer 'til they match the sequence from il Dire. The guy informs him that by tomorrow afternoon or so, the database should be complete and they should have a perfect match. Yeah, I have no idea what's going on.
Sark saunters up. Oh, how I do love to watch him saunter. Sark's all, I received a call from my associate. Bomani's all, dude? I know it's Lauren Reed, okay? You can stop calling her "associate." Hell, you could start calling her your goddamn girlfriend, what with the way you've been acting all distracted and loopy and downright undependable. Sark just smirks and tells him that the CIA has discovered Cypher's identity, but not to worry, Lauren's taking him out. In the permanent sense. Bomani just kind of purses his juicy lips and turns away, saying that Lauren's work, as of late, has been pretty goddamn crappy. "The il Dire machine is in our possession because she managed to steal it away from the CIA," says Sark, finally putting to rest in all our minds the question, "Just what in the hell happened to il Dire, anyway?" Oh, except for that part where it's 47 parts and they're all made of iron or something and there's no goddamn way that one little girl whose ass I could totally kick could wrangle that gargantuan piece of Rambaldi-esque machinery around the corner, let alone across continents.
Sark's all, dude? She's an ass. I'm sorry. I meant to say, "asset." She's a huge asset. Bomani's all, yeah, well, she's an asset to you in more ways than one and I, for one, am not interested in her bony little asset. Sark's all, okay, fine. I'll stake my reputation on her abilities. Bomani's all, oh, really? She's that good, huh? Okay. I'll hold you to your word. But make no mistake, dude. She fucks up, your gonna be buried right alongside her. Perhaps you can get matching plots? With a view? Bomani walks off, and Sark follows.
The Bedroom Of Lies And More Lies And, Oooh, Look! Some Lies! Lauren and Vaughn are both packing. Vaughn offers to go with Lauren on her trip. She reminds him that he's going to Berlin. Vaughn doesn't think she should be alone. She won't be. Mildred Pierce -- erm, "Mrs. Reed" will be there too. "Father's will made it very clear," says Lauren, "he wants his ashes scattered in Dover." Because…that's where all American senators with ambiguously accented daughters have their ashes scattered? Seriously. Was the senator actually a Brit in his early years? That lineage just…where do those people come from? And do the powers that be on this show think we don't have EARS? The girl is NOT AMERICAN, people. God. GOD.