Episode Report Card Erin: B- | 1 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Pssst. Lauren's evil. Pass it on.
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.10.2004
Okay. What? I mean, really. WHAT? This huge-ass machine -- which has 47 parts and requires a forklift and a crane and several burly men to put it together, is powered by a plastic heart that's loaded with a fucking Rudolph nose, is so ancient that it practically spits out dust when it operates, and is apparently able to disassemble itself in a matter of seconds and shove itself into a conveniently located duffle bag -- exists solely to PRINT OUT A PIECE OF PAPER? What, so it's a giant Renaissance fax machine now? Where on EARTH do they come up with this shit? Seriously. I want a bowl of whatever the writers are smoking because that weed is tasty, man.
After the anticlimax, Dixon, who's obviously been interrogating Sloane, surmises that the Covenant is after The Passenger -- how will il Dire help them obtain it? Sloane's all, huh. Looks like you need some assistance. If I help, could you throw a brother a bone and kinda sorta forget about that execution thing? Dix is all, you know what? Sure! You want some mac 'n' cheese to go with your NOT A CHANCE IN FUCKING HELL, SLIMEBALL? Dix goes to leave, and Sloane speaks up that he'll talk to Jack about The Passenger. Dix bends over and just grits, "There will be no deal." Sloane just leans forward and hisses, "You make that quite clear." Ooooh. Was it just me, or did everyone else out there wonder how it is that Sloane is still really frickin' scary, even when he's bound and chained to a chair? I firmly believe that, like Irina, that man could do serious damage to someone even if he had no limbs, no eyes, no mouth, and one lung.
Oops Center. Syd's staring off into the distance, watching her never-really-had-him boyfriend and his not-so-subtly-duplicitous wife-type-person chatting with Marshall. Oh, give it UP, Sydney! That boy is not worth it. And neither are your bangs when they're pushed to the side like that. You look like a fifty-year-old spinster librarian. Knock it off. Agent Sean walks up and tells her that there's been a cyber-attack and that Dix is ready to brief them. Sydney, who's obviously too busy erasing her file containing variations on "Mrs. Sydney Bristow-Vaughn," doesn't even answer him. He sees her checking out the Elephants. "You know, Syd," he says, speaking for all of us, "no one would blame you if you hated him for going back to her." "He's not the one I hate," says Syd, also speaking for all of us, "how horrible does that sound?" "Well," quips Sean, "I hate her and I don't even think he's that cute." Heh. Forget Vaughn, Syd. Go for Sean. He's dreamy. And funny. And he'll let you eat corn chips in bed. Mmmm…corn chips.
Syd tries to back out of her "I hate her just for being, well, her" corner by stating that Jack thinks Lauren's the mole. Weiss is all, dude? Didn't Senator Reed confess to all those charges? Syd's all, yeah, yeah, yeah. Details, dude. I still think she's the mole. The moley moley moley mooooole. Weiss is all, okay, um, do you think she's the mole, or do you just really, really, deep down in your heart, wish she was the mole? Syd has absolutely no answer for this, primarily because it's actually BOTH.