Episode Report Card Erin: B- | 1 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Pssst. Lauren's evil. Pass it on.
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.10.2004
Sloane spills that he was indeed working with Senator Reed, but he wasn't working to further the Covenant's agenda. Instead, he was working for an organization inside the U.S. Government known only as "The Trust." What? Seriously? "The Alliance," "The Covenant," "The Passenger," and now "The Trust"? That's almost as bad as "The Man." No, actually it's WORSE than "The Man," because Quentin Tarantino actually made "The Man" sound cool. Who comes up with these names? I can't determine if the writers are just lazy or if they're following some edict handed down by JJ himself. I mean, what's next? "The Firm"? "The Apprentice"? "The Restaurant"? Those little pishers better put down the weed and pick up a goddamn thesaurus before I brain them with a Bartlett's. I swear to God, tomorrow I'm buying a ticket to Hollywood, renting a car, driving to the Disney lot, storming into the writers' room, and TAKING AWAY EVERY LAST SPLIFF THEY HAVE IN THERE. Now, the blotter paper? The blotter paper I'm leaving. Because, really, can you imagine the names? "The Great Googly Moogly." "Kookamonga and the Krash Helmets." "Bring Me The Head Of Moronen McKugen Mogoogoo -- ooh, swirlies!"
Right. So, anyway, Reed was interested in Sloane's Rambaldi knowledge, so he made him an offer: if Sloane agreed to work with The Trust, Reed would secure his pardon. It was an offer he couldn't refuse. "And from that time on," says Sloane, "I did nothing but live up to my part of the bargain." Jack's all, okay, Sparky. I've never heard of "The Trust." Sloane's all, yeah? Well…that's because they're on super-secret probation. Or something. Or Reed was my only contact. Yeah, that's it. Jack's all, oh, really? If The Trust is real, why haven't they come to your aid? Sloane, with a trace of real panic, says, "I don't know! Maybe they were fearful of revealing themselves. Or it could be that I outlived my usefulness." He turns back to Jack. "But you ask yourself, Jack. Have I been helpful this year? Tell me, have I lived up to my word? I helped Sydney recover her memory. I took a bullet for you for God's sake!" Jack kind of rears his head back at the remembrance of the bullet. His expression's like, oh, shit. Yeah. That's right. The bullet-taking. Dammit. Thought you might've forgotten about that. Well, Sloane didn't. And now it's payback time. He wants Jack to prove that The Trust exists.
CIA Safe House Of Suspicious Spies And The Men Who Secretly Love Them Even Though They're Still Moping Around With Their Duplicitous Wives. Vaughn's sitting on the sofa, staring at a laptop. He inserts the USB flash drive that Cypher gave him at the club. Syd and her bangs enter and inform Vaughn that Cypher has died. She thinks carefully for all of three seconds and then chooses this precise moment to tell Vaughn his wife's a lying killer. "Vaughn," she says, "I think I saw Lauren." He's all, whuh? In the whuh whuh? Syd's all, think about it! The Covenant knew we were after Cypher! And your wife's a bitch with a bad accent! Vaughn's all, wait a minute here -- you think my wife is Covenant? Syd blathers and blithers about all the stuff we already know, but that Vaughn's too fucking blind to see -- namely that Reed's suicide and confession were just far too convenient and that, oh, yes, Moronen's a jackass. Vaughn's not interested in Syd's Girl Scout "Your Wife's A Murderer" cookies right now. "Lauren and her mother are in England burying her father!" he yells. Syd just looks at him. "Look," says Vaughn, stepping out onto the edge of that cliff known as About To Fuck Up Hill, "I know things haven't worked out for us the way we'd hoped --" "You think THAT'S why I'm bringing this up?" hisses a rightly indignant Sydney. "Well, honestly, I don't know what to think!" counters Vaughn. Just then, there's a knock at the door. Both Syd and Vaughn ready their guns as Vaughn goes to answer it. And behind the door is…um. I really don't know how to say this. It's Moronen. And I just now realized that this new nickname I've so brilliantly coined for Lauren is actually just a variation on "Moronica," so I'd like to take this moment to give a shout-out and thank you to the illustrious Jessica for her genius. Now, when the Alias dolls finally come out on the market, I shall be able to complete my transformation into Regessica, Recapper of All Things Supernatural and Lame.
Moronen flings herself into Vaughn's arms and twitters something about Dixon telling her where Vaughn was, which is…so fucking stupid and easily proven a lie that I can't possibly go on with this recap until I stick a chopstick so far into my ear that it comes out the other side. I mean, what? Syd totally feels the same way I do, because she makes this face like, "Man, I wanna bitch-slap that…bitch." Later, on the sofa, Moronen just yammers on about her father as Vaughn just sits there and listens. Like, dude? WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS? OR SPY SKILLS? OR BRAIN? We get yet another mention of how Moronen grew up in England, you know, just in case we'd forgotten about the OmniAccent, and Moronen turns on the crappy waterworks again. Some more. Vaughn takes her hand to comfort her and finds a huge purple rock on her right hand. Moronen lamely says that her mother gave it to her. Oh, god, this is fucking stupid.