Episode Report Card Gustave: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Velveteen Habit
By Gustave | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 10.27.2003
All of sudden -- in a total violation of the real-time format -- Kiefer and Special Agent are on the road, in the middle of a conversation about what happened earlier at the National Health Services building. Special Agent Charlie Brown wants to know what else Soul Patch said about the body, but Kiefer is barely listening. "You never answered me before," says Special Agent Charlie Brown. "You know…about how you're doing. You know what I'm talking about." Kiefer is saved by the ring of his cell phone. Not so fast. It's his new assistant Chloe, with a call from Cate. Kiefer has her put the call through. Turd Face has called because she found a leather jacket of Kiefer's. "What do you want me to do?" asks Turd Face, calling from an outdoor location and wearing a fetching purple cotton dress with a halter top. "I could bring it over…or send it." You see, Cate is doing that post-break-up thing where you test how bad things are by offering to return a piece of clothing. If your ex agrees to pick up his jacket during a face-to-face meeting, a friendship -- or even a reconciliation -- can occur. If you are instructed to send it by mail, things are still dicey. I've been there. Kiefer says he'll just send someone over to pick it up. Ouch. "Okay then," says Cate. Kiefer, instantly regretting his coldness, turns on the charm and asks Cate how she is. "I miss you," says Cate. I take that as a meta-statement about how Sarah Wynter misses the steady paycheck she got when she was a series regular on this show last year. "I'm sorry," says Kiefer, not missing her back. "Don't be," says Cate, smiling ruefully. Kiefer tells her to "take care" of herself. They hang up. Special Agent Charlie Brown asks how things are on the Cate front, and then instantly apologizes for sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong. "She's just trying to return a couple of things of mine," says Kiefer. "Got any water?" says Kiefer, starting to wriggle around like he can't stand being inside his own skin.
Back at CTU, Soul Patch and Mrs. Soul Patch are trying to determine if there are any other cases of the Cordilla virus out there. They also check out data on regional cells with "bio-terrorist capabilities." The phone rings. It's Herzog from Langley. Soul Patch picks up and speaks to him for a few moments. It's about Mrs. Soul Patch's job. She didn't get it. "There's no new funding until after the next election," explains Soul Patch. Hey, shouldn't Herzog be calling Bitchelle and telling her this himself? After all, she's the applicant. Mrs. Soul Patch is upset. Furthermore, Soul Patch needs to make a decision about taking the job in four or five episodes…I mean, "by the end of the day." Mrs. Soul Patch points out that Mr. Soul Patch can't pass up the opportunity at Langley, since it would be a "major career move." "And you'll come along as the wife without a job?" asks Soul Patch. "The wife"? Why don't you just give her a burqa already, Soul Patch? Bitchelle promises to go anywhere with Soul Patch, as long as she doesn't have to cook. "Sweetheart, if you promise not to cook, I'll take you anywhere with me!" says Soul Patch. "But if they don't have a job for you, I'm not interested." Their conversation is interrupted by a phone call from Homeland Security. Soul Patch takes it. Mrs. Soul Patch walks over, and lo and behold, who should one of the new computer programmers be but our very own Spawn of Kiefer! Spawn is still a lovely young woman, but has gotten a really unbecoming haircut. Bitchelle assigns her a Whatever Technology task, and exits. Spawn goes to work while Adam watches her with barely disguised contempt. She asks him a few questions about procedure, and he answers her all "Nick Burns, Company Computer Guy."
We take you now to a ranch in Las Nieves, Northern Mexico, where a ranch hand is trying to subdue a wild horse. The ranch owner -- who looks just like the guy who used to sell bad cocaine at this bar I went to back in the mid-nineties until he got arrested -- and his wife -- who looks like Angelina Jolie when she was in Original Sin -- watch the ranch hand try to tame the horse. "De horse. Ees wild, no? Like a Mexican jumping bean!" says the Ranch Owner. "Si señor," says the ranch hand. "Maybe he ate a bad taco!" Okay, that's not what they said. But still. "He reminds me of you," says the Ranch Owner to Poor Man's Angelina Jolie in subtitled Spanish. "Are you saying you had to break me?" asks Poor Man's Angelina in subtitled Spanish. "No, mi angel," says the Ranch Owner, now in English. "It was you who break me!" They make out, and Poor Man's Angelina's hair pulls back to reveal a pair of craft fair earrings. The Ranch Owner's cell phone rings. It's that van driver who looks like Billy Bob Thornton, telling him that the body was delivered. "Are they aware of what they're dealing with yet?" asks Ranch Owner in subtitled Spanish. "I'm sure they are," says the underling. The ranch owner tells Billy Bob to wait "ten meenuts for eet to treeckle eento de seestem" and then make his phone call. Poor Man's Angelina is secretly listening to Ranch Owner's side of the conversation.