Episode Report Card Megyn: D | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT Shock The Ducky
By Megyn | Season 4 | Episode 7 | Aired on 2000.08.23
Cut to the usual flashback of what usually is a new prisoner, but this time it's of our near and dear Stephen King doppelganger, a.k.a. Eli, who apparently landed himself in the gray-bar hotel by throwing boiling oil from a frying pan containing eggs (?) into the groin area of his former boss, who seems to act a lot like the guy I work for, except his screams are way more realistic. Mine screams like a girl. We go to Hill. Eli is helpful in that he says his own prisoner number so that Hill can catch his breath. We go straight to Keller entering the library. Eh? Not only does Hill not drone on, but Keller can read? And Eli can too? Either I need to cut back on the drink or on drinking through a bendy straw, 'cause I'm not believin' what I'm rewindin'. Anyway, Keller puts on his best "I'm gonna git you sucka" voice and says, "Hey." Eli jumps to the ceiling and back down and says he's gotta be somewhere. "No, no, you gotta be here with me," Keller says, with the calmness of a person who's about to teach someone that nobody puts baby in a corner, and proceeds to ask how Eli's daughter's teeth are doing since he raised all the money to have them buffed and shined. Eli eagerly tells him that they're pearls now. Keller's glad. He tells him he's glad he could provide for his daughter before he dies. (Insert pause while doppelganger absorbs. That's okay. We'll wait.) "Jesus, Keller!" Keller holds him in his chair and calmly says in his ear, "You told Tobias Beecher that I killed his kid." "No!" says Eli, "Schillinger made me do it!" Keller basically tells him to get his affairs in order 'cause the smackdown is about to unleash and there's no coming back from it. He rubs Eli's hair.
We cut to a close-up of Eli in Unit B, over the pool table "Are you listening to me? Keller says he's gonna WHACK me!" Schillinger treats the news with all the concern of a snake slithering by a hit-and-run accident involving a truckload of mice: "Will you get off my back? You're ruining my concentration." He hits the ball and it goes not even close to the pocket. "See what you're doing? You're fucking up my game." Uh, no offense there, Vern, but your suck-ass form might also have something to do with it. Eli tells him if Schillinger doesn't protect him, he's going to the hacks. Schillinger: "Look, I said I'll protect you, I'll protect you, okay? Now, buzz off." Off Eli goes, while viewers everywhere wave goodbye to the dead man and shake their head in unison at the stupidity of threatening Satan. Schillinger says, "I thought the Jews were supposed to be tough." His butt tenant replies, "That's just the Israelis." Yeah, ha ha, not! Schillinger considers this for a nanosecond and gives a half-hearted shrug. "Kill him...I'm gonna take that shot again!" Yeah, well, you'll still suck, Vern.