Episode Report Card Miss Alli: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT In my beautiful (and slow) balloon
By Miss Alli | Season 8 | Episode 9 | Aired on 11.28.2005
All three teams work on their respective sections of railroad. Sharon is yelling at Christine about how she's "not helping." "Well, well, don't talk to me like I'm an animal or something," Christine says indignantly and not entirely sensibly. I wonder what kind of animal she would be. I'm thinking it would be a squirrel, and then wondering if you can cheat when you imagine a person as an animal by making the animal talk, because she would certainly be a magical talking squirrel.
The Weavers arrive at the Detour. They choose the coal, so they put on their yellow hardhats and start shoveling the coal into the wheelbarrow. Rolly has to move the wheelbarrow, of course, because he is in charge of everything difficult. Then they send him up the ladder to the top of the train car where you drop in the coal, and they start to hand buckets up to him. All in all, it's a fairly efficient system. Nobody ever said evil wasn't good at getting shit done. (I received a hostile email this week that contained the sentence: "The Vikings are a lot like the Weavers, with less obnoxious hypocrisy and more fucking on boats.")
As Wally and the Tonyas work, one of the girls takes a blow to the head of some sort. Maybe it was Nancy Kerrigan. Just kidding! It turns out that the injured sister is Lindsay, who at first is pretty shaken up but, upon being semi-hugged by her sisters, immediately announces she's fine and will get back to work. A giant "STOP: MEN AT WORK" sign mocks her efforts. Unsurprisingly, Christine Godlewski has taken up singing "I've Been Working On The Railroad," which is just what I'm sure her sisters were hoping would happen. Elsewhere, the Tonyas have discovered that their father isn't completely worthless after all, as it turns out he's fairly good with the hammering. Beth says in an interview that, in fact, she and Lindsay and Lauren could never have wielded the sledgehammer in the first place, probably. Wally tells us it was his "chance to shine," and to help out instead of -- wait for it -- dragging the team down, like he usually does. Glad he squeezed that into the first half of the episode. I was starting to get twitchy. There's really no way this degree of emphasis on Wally's ineptitude can possibly pay off unless the season ends with the Bransens winning after Wally carries all three of the girls on his shoulders while winning a sprint to the finish line against Nick and Alex.
As the Linzes reach the end of their task, Megan announces proudly with a smile that she worked on bolts. A steam engine blows, and we move over to the Weavers, who are busily passing buckets of coal up to Rolly. As the pinks continue to struggle with the railroad construction, Christine asks how many pounds of coal they would have to move if they switched. "Noooo, Chris," someone (Michelle or Sharon) moans in disbelief at the idea of switching Detours at this point. The Weavers fill another wheelbarrow, and the Linzes are told that their railroad isn't quite finished because they need to hammer the spikes a little farther. The Weavers haul coal. The Linzes finish their track and get the clue, which tells them to "drive in the direction of the Bonneville Salt Flats." Phil explains that when they get there, they will find a tall sculpture "known as the Tree of Utah." It was "built to bring color and beauty to the stark landscape." (M. Giant: "Nice try.") The teams will then perform the daunting task of looking around to find the clue box sticking up from the flat, white landscape. I wonder how they'll ever find it, except by looking around and not keeping their eyes closed. The Linzes leave the Detour in first place. Alex tells us that he's considering building a railroad of his own. To go with his office chair, I guess. (That recap suggests that this remark was made by Nick, but that was before the boys had their groundbreaking body transplant.) "Three strokes is all it took for me," Nick announces with regard to the hammering, leaving the joke so wide open that you know he's giving it to Tommy as a gift. "That's all it takes in bed, too," Tommy says obligingly. Tommy, at 19, is undoubtedly the master of longevity in this area, so...whatever. Of course, Tommy and Alex pump their fists to congratulate themselves on the awesomeness of this incredibly obvious joke. Megan asks them to put a lid on it. "Bone, stop it," she says, adding, "Dumb-ass." You've got to wonder what she expects from a guy named "Bone," though.