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If you thought episodes were boring, it was only because you hadn't seen this one yet. After a leisurely hot-air-balloon ride, the teams complete a Detour that offers a choice between hammering and carrying, and then a Roadblock where you saunter around on horses. The Linzes get hosed by the second camera-battery production error in two weeks (the hell?), which drops them from first place to fourth, but they apparently receive no time credit. Thus, for no reason related to anything they did, they're battling the Gadzookskis for last place late in the leg after -- this is for real -- the teams complete a "task" that requires them to watch Old Faithful erupt. Sigh. The Weavers are still crazy, the Linzes are still goofballs, the Godlewskis are bickering more than ever, and Wally talks once again about how slow he is. And then at the end of the leg, we find ourselves staring at the now-familiar "To Be Continued" screen that says the leg is continuing into week. Just a reminder that the last team to be eliminated was eliminated on November 8. It's going to be at least four weeks from then until another team is eliminated. Way to build up the momentum late in the season, show. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Trailers Of Tears: The teams took off hauling long trailers across the American West, just like the cowboys did. Or at least like the cowboys' retired grandparents did. They headed for Monument Valley, Utah, the spectacular rock formations of which the Weavers thought weren't nearly as attractive as, say, their yard. Or the mall! At least the mall has escalators. Can the American West say the same? Hmmmmm? A helicopter ride reminded everyone of either the beauty of nature or Dr. Romano, depending on one's cultural frame of reference, and then a rappel gave Wally another opportunity to be slower than the Tonyas. Wally is clearly going to be the first father in history to simultaneously take up sprints and family therapy. A trained bear gave the teams a clue, which (little-known fact) was a minor alteration of the original plan to have the clues distributed by Cowboy Bob at the Hootenanny House of Ribs and Bibs. (Try the loaded baked potato!) The Linzes didn't care for the Weavers and weren't particularly afraid of a little smiting, so they took the opportunity to Yield the holy terrors when the opportunity arose. After getting through a Roadblock that offered no excitement unless you get your jollies from Dripping Wet Nick (look, look, here come my jollies!), the Linzes finally got their first-place finish, and the Weavers got the last-place finish that everyone from God to the anti-littering lobby to the American Society of Cartographers has been praying for. Still, this being the season of unceasing cruelty that it is, the Weavers were not eliminated and even got a pep talk from Phil, who really needs to work on keeping his eye on the sparrow, not the preening peacocks. Four teams are still left, with nobody eliminated since the Paolos, who left three weeks ago and have probably resolved their differences by now. (Just kidding.) Can we freaking get rid of somebody already? Preferably somebody with two-toned hair?
Credits. Watching this long after the Schroeders have left the scene, it occurs to me that Hunter needs to punch his father harder time. [BOMP.]
Commercials. I really hope that Jennifer Aniston and Kevin Costner aren't falling in love in this movie, because I really don't need another one where the wrinkly old dude gets the fabulous babe to fall in love with him. The Reverse Gender-Age Equivalent for that coupling, if you're keeping score at home, is Jason Priestley and Harriet Sansom Harris. Or, if you really like great imagery, Jason Priestley and Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien. Pleasant dreams!
Arpeggios, which are always used on this show to signify a strange sense of calm and, in this case, the presence of Mormons, welcome us back to Salt Lake City. Phil explains that Salt Lake City is aptly named for its proximity to the Great Salt Lake, which is in turn aptly named for its quality of being a lake that's really big and really salty. I'm thinking that when Utah was being set up, there wasn't a lot of free time to work on the nomenclature. Furthermore, hearing Phil have to fall back on mentioning the fact that he's in the capital of Utah as part of his spiel about the ninth pit stop is really depressing. , he will be mentioning that the amount of money being handed out for the leg is the same as the population of Hoisington, Kansas. Phil reminds us how the Weavers were last, and how he didn't eliminate them, because his pants were pinching him and he was just in a mean, mean frame of mind. Although they weren't eliminated, they were required to give up all their money and their stuff. Fortunately for them, they shouldn't mind, because they can just think of it as the vow of poverty required in order for them to become truly holy. I don't want to pressure them, but I also hear good things, getting-into-heaven-wise, about vows of silence. Just a suggestion! Phil wonders if the Linz family will be able to keep up their momentum in spite of the thunderbolts being thrown by the Weavers' God, who seeks vengeance on their behalf when he isn't combing his long, white beard and guiding the hand of the person choosing the numbers in the Powerball drawing.
12:46 AM. Linzes. Nick rips the clue, which tells them to drive to Park City High School. Yes, that's right. Drive to the high school. We've seen gas stations, we've seen big chairs -- now, it's time for the extremely historic local high school. You can't deny that it's certainly a piece of American history, considering that it was built in 1977, just after the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock. And just generally, I mean, parking lots are pretty fucking amazing. Megan mentions as the Linzes leave the mat that she's "a little sick." As we get a glimpse of Tommy's "Uncle Bone" t-shirt, Megan interviews that being on the race with three brothers is nice, because they "spoil" her. They give her all the lemon drops and don't make her wash the horses and dirty her petticoats, or something. Nick and Alex chat about how Megan is sitting in the car, and Nick posits that he'd rather she weren't in the car if she's going to throw up. "She's not going to throw up," Alex says. And then he authoritatively adds, "She's got cramps." "I love being the only female in this group," Megan voices over, theoretically providing some counterpoint to the idea that she is currently suffering from cramps. In the car, Alex tells the camera how Megan has kept up with "the boys" the whole way, as she looks like she is indeed about to throw up. I kind of wonder if Alex's interpretation of "cramps" is that when a girl's stomach is upset, it's cramps. We've noted his That Guy nature before, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if he is, among other things, What Ails That Chick Is Probably Cramps/PMS/Hormones Guy. Which guy is not, ironically enough, usually a great expert on the subject of the physiology of women. (There is substantial overlap between him and Wait, The What? Oh, THAT'S Why Jerry Seinfeld Yells "Delores!" Out The Window; I've Never Gotten That Joke Until Now Guy.)
1:23 AM. Bransens. As Wally opens the clue, he notes that the teams with money are getting $87. Just enough for his rocket pack. We revisit what I'm pretty sure are recycled comments from this team last time about how there's tension between the Weavers on one side and the Godlewskis and Linzes on the other, which Wally figures is "probably to [the Bransens'] advantage." Eh, I think that theory can be overrated, particularly when you're dealing with teams that are a lot better than you are. Tension screws up some teams, but the Linzes in particular don't seem to lose focus, no matter how peeved they are. In an interview, Beth says that her team tends to just keep working and not let other teams' behavior bother them. Of course, the girls are too busy dragging their father from place to place on a dolly to get overly invested in personal dramas. Maybe they could get him an electric scooter. Can't you just see Wally zooming down the path and passing some really tired person who's walking along? You know, Sharon Godlewski is panting down some asphalt path, and Wally's like, "[Meep, meeeeep!] Passing on your right!"
1:30 AM. Godlewskis. As they go, we return to Christine's interview about how she hoped at the beginning of the race that she and her sisters would all "get along better." She also doesn't think her sisters should "diss on" her, because it's not "polite." Yeah, unfortunately, pulling out politeness as your argument with this particular group of sisters is only going to be viewed as a sign of weakness. Despite their chirpiness early in the race, this is really the remaining team that's the most likely to cut you. In the car, Michelle snatches the map from Christine wordlessly, sort of like she's done so much talking that she can't talk anymore, so now she just has to grab stuff. She's kind of mean, but she's also tired of arguing, and I can't blame her for trying to avoid endless debate over every point. I get the feeling that navigating Christine's emotional minefield is about as much fun for her sisters as a bikini wax, and there isn't even a soothing lotion at the end.
The Linzes are the first to the high school, where they encounter a clue box with numbers you can pull, so they take the first number. The clue instructs them to "help inflate a hot-air balloon," and it says that they'll then take a ride over the countryside. (This clue was translated in the household where I watched this episode thusly: "Get into the slowest form of transportation known to mankind." ["Second-slowest. Morituri Queens-bound G train salutamos." -- Sars]) Once they land, they'll get another clue. I appreciate the way that they try to make it seem like helping inflate the balloon is some sort of "task," but it's clearly not. More and more, the race planners are just like activities coordinators at a resort. "It's a beautiful day at the Blissful Mountain Lodge. This morning, we will be offering a balloon ride, and then little sandwiches for lunch!" Anyway, beginning at 6:00 AM, shuttles to the balloons will leave every ten minutes. So the upshot is that...they put the Yield on a non-elimination leg, where they followed the end of the leg immediately with a gigantic bunching, thus guaranteeing that there was literally no way the Yield could possibly matter. It's kind of like giving the audience in a whodunit no information at the beginning except, "The killer is no one who's part of the story." They've surgically excised the only possible reason to care. You'd think in the eighth season, they'd have figured out where the drama lies, and that it doesn't lie in spending weeks without an elimination while people drive around and are handed departure times by booth-dwelling park employees.
The Linzes crawl into the camper to get some sleep, since there are a few hours before anything happens. (And, of course, "happens" is kind of a strong word.) As Tommy goes into his dramatic reading of "Now I lay me down to sleep," Megan prays to the pink bottle of Pepto-Bismol on the sill beside her. So...not cramps, so much, unless Megan knows even less about the female body than Alex probably does. The Bransens arrive and grab the second number. They get in their trailer to sleep as well. The Gadzookskis follow and get the third number. Wow, a few minutes into the show, and they're already sleeping! I may need a tranquilizer to handle the excitement.
5:02 AM. The Weavers, starting out more than four hours behind the Linzes, take off at last. As they leave, Mama says in an interview, again, that they were Yielded twice, and they've "never really been treated like this." Presumably, she knows that nobody really has a lot of experience with being Yielded. It's more like she just knows nothing about competition. Because as much of a non-fan of the Yield as I am, if you're going to have it in the show, then using it isn't remotely distasteful, it's just playing the game. Rebecca throws in something about how the whole thing is "down and dirty," but they won't be allowing the other bad, bad teams to "hold [them] back." Well, no. Not if they're getting saved by random events all the time, they won't. I'd note that the Yield is reportedly somewhere in the vicinity of 15 minutes to a half hour, so they managed to get at least three and a half hours or so behind the lead teams without the slightest amount of help from anyone. They just absolutely blew everything on that last leg. It's no wonder they were well aware that they'd come in last. At any rate, on their way to Park City High School, they stop and get some directions from a friendly Utah-dweller, to whom Rachel apparently does not say, "I am so sorry." She can say it time, I guess. When the Weavers get to the high school, they honk their horn enthusiastically. Perhaps they saw one of those "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper stickers…or perhaps they remembered one they saw previously at a time when they were unable to honk, so they're honking now to make up for it.
As the Linzes wake up, they ask Megan how she's feeling, and she says, "Better." She explains to the camera that her stomach was upset, and that the Pepto helped, as did the sleep. I half-expect to see Alex off to the side, silently pointing to Megan and mouthing the word "cramps."
The Weavers drive up to the high school and see the other cars, realizing that they've been saved by random bunching. They hoot and holler, of course. "Your Yield didn't work for us, sucker!" Rebecca yells out the window. Well...you came in last, dear, and you got here several hours after everyone else. That's how it's supposed to "work"; you just didn't get eliminated because of factors entirely outside anyone's control. The only thing anybody can hope to do is make you come in last. Gloating at the Linzes seems a little ill-advised, since they're the only team remaining that has yet to lose a leg. The Linzes and Gadzookskis, now waiting outside in the parking lot, note the Weavers' arrival. "Dude, they love it," says a Linz, relatively good-naturedly. "They showed up at the right time." The Weavers take the last number. Never one to be rude like other people, Rachel struts around the parking lot yelling about how they "got to sleep in a bed" (did you forget they had trailers, genius?), and dancing around with her arm over her head. Mama Weaver yells out a taunt to the Linzes: "Are you sorry you wasted your Yield? YOU WILL BE!"
Dear Mama Weaver: They didn't waste anything. "Waste" implies giving up something for nothing for which you could have gotten something. They couldn't have gotten anything more than they got. It was the last Yield on the race. There's no waste. You got Yielded as much as you possibly could have been Yielded by anyone. The Yielding of you was maximized. The other teams, as a group, got the maximum Weaver-Yielding that was available for their Yielding dollar. They're not going to become sorry they Yielded you, because they would be no worse off had they not Yielded you than they are for having Yielded you. Regret is not an option. Shut up, crazy lady.
At any rate, far from being shaken or even irritated in the way Mama Weaver wants, the other teams' reaction amounts mostly to variations on, "The fuck?" Undeterred and reading the room about as well as she would if she were a boiled potato, Mama walks up to Alex and says, "Thanks for wasting your Yield, YES!" and insists on high-fiving him, which high-five he agreeably returns. "No problem, dude," Alex says. "We thought you guys were right behind us." And now Mama turns slightly serious. "Are you sorry?" she demands to know. Yipes. This is exactly what she did to DJ, and it is so fucking creepy. (By the way, to find that incident in the recap, I searched on the words "definitively DJ," and realized instantly that Definitively DJ should be the name of his one-man music and variety hour when he inevitably develops one.)
Anyway, as to Mama Weaver and these weird post-Yield confrontations in which she tries to extract regret from people with nothing to regret, why does she need to know whether Alex is sorry? She hates these people. Why does she need them to be sorry? Why does she care? Why will it make her feel better if they are? It just makes no sense, except that she wants to extract apologies from people because it makes her feel superior, and I'm beginning to think that between her apparent lack of education (or failure to prevent whatever education she received from bouncing cleanly off her head like so many Wiffle balls) and her apparent inexperience in dealing with other human beings, there isn't much that makes this woman feel comfortable, let alone better than anyone, which would explain the supercilious piety as well. Alex is kind of baffled by the question as to whether he's "sorry" for playing the game, and he fairly simply says, "No." Elsewhere, Megan is less circumspect. "No, we're not sorry," she mutters to the Godlewskis through a mouthful of food. "Heeeell, no." Meanwhile, the Weavers gather in front of a camera and agree that even if they don't win, they got to be really mean and snotty to the Linzes, which is all they really wanted. The hoof beats of their moral and behavioral high horse are downright deafening.
At 6:00 AM, the Linzes are the first to leave for the balloons. In the car, they discuss the Weavers and their strange behavior. "A different people from a different land," Nick drawls. "Not like us Midwesterners." Megan offers, "she doesn't act like a mom," and Nick sort of shrugs it off, saying, "Nobody likes to be Yielded." And then he likes the sound of that and smiles at it, saying, "Nobody likes to be Yielded in life," kind of Bill-and-Ted-like. Oh, Nick.
Back at the trailers, Mama Weaver is still celebrating, because she is still angling for that Worst Sportsmanship trophy. Given that the only competition she has is her own children, I suspect she can pull it out. At 6:10, the Bransens leave, undoubtedly happy to get away from the crazy lady. I might be projecting, though. The Gadzookskis leave at 6:20, just as we see that the Linzes are starting the process of inflating their balloon. You're probably not surprised that they don't have to blow it up with their mouths through a valve or anything. The Bransens and Gadzookskis follow, and they work on their balloons as well. In one of my favorite moments, the pinks are trying to push on their balloon, and somebody is counting like they're going to go on three, but what comes out is, "One, two, three...four." "Four?" Michelle says with curiosity. (The trade offered to me this week that amounted to Nick Linz for Michelle Godlewski -- it's a long story -- is starting to look like a fair one indeed.) At 6:30, the Weavers drive over to the balloons. As they arrive, Mama says, "That's the team we've got to beat," speaking of the pinks. "Those snotty little ladies." "They're bottle blondes with implants," Rebecca haughtily declares. Okay. Rebecca, you've seen your own hair, yes? I mean...I bring it up because I'm wondering if you think the rest of us can't see your hair. I'm not sure what your beliefs are with regard to mirrors and cameras and whatnot, but I just want you to know...I've seen your hair. Not to mention...your mother's hair. I mean, I'm pretty sure mom is being run through the Bleachinator every other Tuesday (if she isn't, I'd recommend a change of shampoo). And frankly, you're not fooling anybody either, Pope Pious Le Pew, so let's not get overwound with the hair-color-related indignation, okay? Thanks. I mean, seriously. At least any pigmented Gadzookskis are sticking to one color. ["And what is their obsession with implants? Why is this the default insult? And if the implication is that the other team is 'trashy,' 1) they aren't, and 2) people who confuse 'shorts' with 'underpants' shouldn't throw stones, so…I don't get it." -- Sars]
The Linzes' balloon finishes inflating, and they take off. One of the Tonyas looks up at the departing balloon and says, "I love Bone. He kills me." It's not every day you get to see a nice young woman on television saying, "I love Bone," so that's nice. The Bransens take off . The Godlewskis follow, noting that Rolly is getting dragged across the ground by the Weavers' balloon and...kind of not caring that much. I find I don't care either. I mean, I wouldn't want his arm yanked out of the socket or anything, but run-of-the-mill dragging, I'm not losing any sleep over. The Weavers leave last.
The balloons float at a breakneck pace across the landscape. The Linzes notice the Bransens approaching. "This is the Bransen ladies," Nick observes. And then he looks right in the camera and says, "And their dad," in this way that is so mischievously funny that I kind of like him a little bit. Oh, shut up. He also notes that the Bransens are floating in the Linzes' general direction. "Ramming speed," he notes with a little bit of bitter disgust. Yeah, this is not what Nick had in mind for racing, you can sort of tell. He was envisioning more screeching taxis and less...of this. The two balloons actually do eventually touch each other, but they float on by harmlessly after the slowest collision since the one hundredth replay of Lawrence Taylor breaking Joe Theismann's leg. "Bounced off of 'em, he's really lucky," says the Weavers' pilot, creating drama as hard as he can. The Weavers pretend they're glad nobody got hurt.
"I'm not really wild about heights," Michelle observes while far, far off the ground. "The Amazing Race has cured me," she goes on to note with more than a little bit of "yeah, rah rah, shut up" in her voice. Elsewhere, Rolly tells us that he once had a dream that he fell out of a hot-air balloon, so he's a little nervous and would specifically like to know who made the basket in the balloon. I think the pilot should have told him it was some very nice Wiccans. Or even some of the local Mormons. I would have enjoyed that.
Balloons drift suspensefully. All this floating! What will happen?
The Linzes' pilot lands them right on the side of a hill and gives them their clue. It tells them to head back to Heber City to the Heber Valley Railway. Phil explains that this is a towering 14-mile journey back to...where they've already been. I hope they can take the pressure. The Bransens land and are sent on their way. Meanwhile, the Linzes talk about how cool the ride in the balloon was. I'm sure the Weavers wish that they had been able to take their balloon ride in an area on which God spent adequate time, unlike the state of Utah.
The Godlewskis land and get their clue. Some drama is attempted over the fact that the Weavers think their pilot has no good place to land. Ultimately, they're put down on the side of a hill, and they act like this is the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to anyone. As they get their clue, the basket shifts on the hill, and everyone screams. Lest they...you know, tip over on the hill and fall on the ground. Because a person could...skin her knee, I guess. ["Well, if you're wearing underpant-y shorts…" -- Sars] Or get all dirty from being dumped out on the hill. This is how you know we've entered the high-stakes, heart-pounding section of the race.
Commercials.
When we return, it becomes obvious that what was made out to be scary screaming was actually silly screaming, because now the Weavers are laughing and demanding their clue while chuckling over how they "crashed." And by "crashed," they mean "landed in a hot-air balloon." They pile out of the basket, noisily slide down the hill, and take off for the Heber Valley Railway. I imagine their entire balloon crew flipping them off as soon as they're gone.
Speaking of which, the Linzes arrive at the railroad and find a clue for a Detour. The Detour options this week, which look very much like they are located at the railroad once run by Lowly Worm on the floor of my parents' living room, are Spike It and Steam It. In Spike It, you build a 20-foot stretch of railroad with "old-time tools and materials." Like, you know, sledgehammers and moxie and anti-communism. Phil says this will take "precision work." In Steam It, you carry coal in a wheelbarrow and empty it in buckets into a train car. You have to move almost 400 pounds of coal, which sounds like a lot until you realize that with a wheelbarrow to work with, it's not going to take you that long to move 400 pounds. Anyway, the completion of both tasks will have to be approved by a railroad guy.
The Linzes take the Spike task. The Bransens pull up to the Detour, and they take the Spike as well. The Linzes are in the process of figuring out how you assemble the tracks as the Bransens approach. The Linzes basically put Megan on the sidelines, not giving her anything to do at all. She chooses not to be annoyed, but to be amused instead at the fact that she can dance on the sidelines while they get all sweaty. That's one way to handle it, I suppose. Meanwhile, the Gadzookskis approach, and they take the Spike. Wally uses the sledgehammer to move a rail into place for his team just as the pinks get going with their task.
All three teams work on their respective sections of railroad. Sharon is yelling at Christine about how she's "not helping." "Well, well, don't talk to me like I'm an animal or something," Christine says indignantly and not entirely sensibly. I wonder what kind of animal she would be. I'm thinking it would be a squirrel, and then wondering if you can cheat when you imagine a person as an animal by making the animal talk, because she would certainly be a magical talking squirrel.
The Weavers arrive at the Detour. They choose the coal, so they put on their yellow hardhats and start shoveling the coal into the wheelbarrow. Rolly has to move the wheelbarrow, of course, because he is in charge of everything difficult. Then they send him up the ladder to the top of the train car where you drop in the coal, and they start to hand buckets up to him. All in all, it's a fairly efficient system. Nobody ever said evil wasn't good at getting shit done. (I received a hostile email this week that contained the sentence: "The Vikings are a lot like the Weavers, with less obnoxious hypocrisy and more fucking on boats.")
As Wally and the Tonyas work, one of the girls takes a blow to the head of some sort. Maybe it was Nancy Kerrigan. Just kidding! It turns out that the injured sister is Lindsay, who at first is pretty shaken up but, upon being semi-hugged by her sisters, immediately announces she's fine and will get back to work. A giant "STOP: MEN AT WORK" sign mocks her efforts. Unsurprisingly, Christine Godlewski has taken up singing "I've Been Working On The Railroad," which is just what I'm sure her sisters were hoping would happen. Elsewhere, the Tonyas have discovered that their father isn't completely worthless after all, as it turns out he's fairly good with the hammering. Beth says in an interview that, in fact, she and Lindsay and Lauren could never have wielded the sledgehammer in the first place, probably. Wally tells us it was his "chance to shine," and to help out instead of -- wait for it -- dragging the team down, like he usually does. Glad he squeezed that into the first half of the episode. I was starting to get twitchy. There's really no way this degree of emphasis on Wally's ineptitude can possibly pay off unless the season ends with the Bransens winning after Wally carries all three of the girls on his shoulders while winning a sprint to the finish line against Nick and Alex.
As the Linzes reach the end of their task, Megan announces proudly with a smile that she worked on bolts. A steam engine blows, and we move over to the Weavers, who are busily passing buckets of coal up to Rolly. As the pinks continue to struggle with the railroad construction, Christine asks how many pounds of coal they would have to move if they switched. "Noooo, Chris," someone (Michelle or Sharon) moans in disbelief at the idea of switching Detours at this point. The Weavers fill another wheelbarrow, and the Linzes are told that their railroad isn't quite finished because they need to hammer the spikes a little farther. The Weavers haul coal. The Linzes finish their track and get the clue, which tells them to "drive in the direction of the Bonneville Salt Flats." Phil explains that when they get there, they will find a tall sculpture "known as the Tree of Utah." It was "built to bring color and beauty to the stark landscape." (M. Giant: "Nice try.") The teams will then perform the daunting task of looking around to find the clue box sticking up from the flat, white landscape. I wonder how they'll ever find it, except by looking around and not keeping their eyes closed. The Linzes leave the Detour in first place. Alex tells us that he's considering building a railroad of his own. To go with his office chair, I guess. (That recap suggests that this remark was made by Nick, but that was before the boys had their groundbreaking body transplant.) "Three strokes is all it took for me," Nick announces with regard to the hammering, leaving the joke so wide open that you know he's giving it to Tommy as a gift. "That's all it takes in bed, too," Tommy says obligingly. Tommy, at 19, is undoubtedly the master of longevity in this area, so...whatever. Of course, Tommy and Alex pump their fists to congratulate themselves on the awesomeness of this incredibly obvious joke. Megan asks them to put a lid on it. "Bone, stop it," she says, adding, "Dumb-ass." You've got to wonder what she expects from a guy named "Bone," though.
The Bransens -- just Wally, really -- continue hammering and bolting, and then they're all done. Time to head for the salt flats. In the car, the Tonyas tell Wally how great he was. "I don't even think I did one thing," one of them says. "I tried to, like, hit it, and hit like three feet off." Now that sounds like being in bed with a 19-year-old.
The Weavers haul more coal. The Godlewskis keep working on their track. Christine annoys Michelle, who snaps, "Can I have a different partner, please? One with a smaller mouth?" Well...not if we're choosing from among your sisters, probably. Christine gets fed up and says she'll go work with Sharon, but when she approaches, Sharon snaps, "Okay, don't get in my way, please." Poor Christine. Nobody wants any help. The Weavers haul coal, and now they're all done. They get their clue for the salt flats and leave.
The pinks aren't too far from done, although they're having to tighten their bolts, and Christine is trying to show off by taking over this part of the job. The rest of them just stand around blaming Christine for ever picking this dumb Detour option in the first place. Finally, they finish their track and get the Tree of Utah clue. In the car, there is some more talk about who picked the Detour option, and Christine insists it was all of them. "Okay, Chris," Michelle says, annoyed. And the thing you know, Christine is crying. Somebody asks her if she's crying, and she whimpers, "Leave me alone." This provokes Michelle, who, chuckling, leans over and growls at Christine. "What is that? 'Leave me alone'?" Michelle asks, incredulous that Christine is actually upset. Christine responds that she doesn't want to talk to Michelle, and says to leave her alone again. So there! She stares out the window miserably. You know, they are kind of mean to her, but she both deserves it and sort of asks for it, so it's hard for me to fully feel sorry for her.
Commercials. Didn't need to see Sky High before; don't need to see it now.
We return to the Gadzookski car, and then to a Christine interview in which she complains about the lack of "kudos" from her sisters. They really don't seem like the "kudos" types, to be honest, so I'm not sure she should take that personally, entirely. "It's my sisters' loss if they don't see it," she says, referring to her awesomeness. I don't think her sisters think the loss is...that big.
The Linzes approach the Tree of Utah, which is one of those pieces of "art" that, if you didn't know it was art, would be considered vandalism. It's basically a giant fat pole with a handful of big round green balls on it. Yes, that's it. And it sticks up out of the middle of the desert. Its installation really does have all the hallmarks of a fraternity prank. There's just no appreciating it without seeing it for yourself, so...here. The Linzes run to the clue box and pull the clue, which tells them to go to Garden City and find Rendezvous Beach. You will not be surprised to hear that Tommy requires some help with the word "rendezvous." (Again, Tommy should not be smug, because of the correlation between Can't Pronounce French Words Guy and Three Strokes Guy.) The Bransens approach, and one of the sisters notes that the sculpture should perhaps be known as "the Tree of Hemorrhoids." Yeah. It would be nice if that comparison weren't apt, but it...is. I mean, hemorrhoids aren't generally that colorful, but otherwise. As they arrive and head out toward the clue box, they pass the Linzes, who are on their way back to their car. The Bransens leave in second place. Both the Bransens and Linzes note the arrival of the Weavers, who get their clue and head out in third place.
Bringing up the rear are the pinks, who also are slightly amused by the appearance of the mighty Tree of Utah. None of the teams seems to have found that the Tree brings beauty to the landscape. It's more like..."Hey. Who brought all the Legos?" The Gadzookskis leave with their clue in last place. As they look at the map, Tricia and Christine agree that they have an idea of what they're supposed to do. Phil explains that when the teams get to Bear Lake Rendezvous State Park, they'll be camping for the night, and they'll get departure times for the morning based on when they arrive. Again. Starting at 8:30 in the morning, departure times will be fifteen minutes apart. Why are departure times sometimes 15 minutes apart and sometimes 10? Well, apparently because one thing you can say about a race like this is that you can never introduce too much total damn randomness.
The first team to arrive at the park is the Bransens, who get a morning departure time of 8:30 AM. to get there are the Weavers. As they approach, Rebecca tells everyone to help her find the turn, because she's all wonky. Like she's been in math class. "You failed math class, Bec," Rolly says. "No, she didn't!" Rachel protests. "Yes, I did," Rebecca clarifies. "Twice." Impressive! Let's see...we know they don't know math, geography, languages, or etiquette, and I don't really see them as wordsmiths. Where does all the time go? I mean, I guess a good bit of it goes to their Religions Of The World class. HA HA HA! Yeah, just kidding. Anyway, they pull in and get an 8:45 AM departure. They agree once they're situated that they need to get money. Remember, they didn't get any? See, you wouldn't notice, because the non-elimination, in addition to being in a Yield leg, was placed before a leg in which practically no money was needed. So...great! The begging is as boring as ever, as they walk up to someone, ask for money, and get it. They also get a map. They do not get a stern talking-to. It's never the stuff you really need, you know?
The Gadzookskis are third to arrive at the campground.
And then...the Linzes. Who, you will remember, were in first place. Phil explains that once again, for the second time in two episodes, a "production error" with the camera equipment drained the battery in the Linzes' car, and as a result, they've fallen to last place. You know, first of all, that shit should not be happening. Especially not twice. I don't know what that "production error" is, but it sure as hell sounds like somebody not having the presence of mind to know you can't charge equipment off the car battery when the car isn't running. In any event, they should obviously have been credited time for this, just as the Godlewskis should have last week, and it's incomprehensible why it didn't happen, except that the people in the field weren't able to figure it all out in the middle of the leg and decided to punt. It's absurd -- this isn't bad luck. This the show screwing up and totally influencing the course of the competition, and that's just...I mean, it's only a show, but within the scope of the show, it's unacceptable. It's way too close to the end for a team to be falling from first place to last place because of a production problem and not getting a time credit. If there were some explanation for why they didn't get one, you'd think it would have been provided. I mean, I realize that time credits look a little sloppy and are difficult to calculate with precision, but you've got to make the effort to do something. This attempt to gloss over a development so utterly unfair only serves to make the entire undertaking look incredibly amateurish. It's like Survivor announcing that the votes were miscounted last week because somebody's vote stuck to the bottom of the urn, so the wrong person was thrown off, but, you know. Oh, well!
At any rate, the Linzes talk about trying to "roll with the punches" and so forth. They show up at the park and get their 9:15 AM departure. Ridiculous. They had overnight to figure this out. They had overnight to make sense of it, knowing that the Godlewskis had had the same problem. There's no way you don't get it together at this point.
The morning, the teams are sent to Dunham Ranch in Wyoming, where they'll look for another clue. The Bransens leave first, and in their car, Wally is looking at the map. "What are you looking at, Dad?" one of the Tonyas asks as she lies all over another one on the other side of the back seat from Wally. "Just trying to get refamiliar," Wally rather grouchily improvises, making up a word that doesn't exist but of which everyone instantly recognizes the usefulness. The Tonyas sort of chuckle over the invented word, and Wally looks unamused at being made fun of. Weird little scene. The Weavers leave , and Mama asks God to bless them. (God: "[Pointed silence.]" The pinks leave, and Christine talks about her stomachache. "Oh, how convenient," Michelle snots in her inimitable way. Hey, maybe it's cramps! The Linzes leave in last place, insisting that they are "pumped." Tommy yells about how they're all just energetic boys, and Megan says that it's not like she's not used to being around the boys when they're freaking out. "She loves us," Tommy announces as he smooches her on the cheek. She ignores it, so he pulls her into a semi-noogie. And then she gets this look, and she says, "As you can tell, it can get really...obnoxious." I think mostly when Tommy is involved is when it's really obnoxious.
The Bransens get to the ranch and pull their clue. It tells them that it's time for a Roadblock, in which Phil says two members of the team will have to herd some cattle a quarter of a mile (not a whole quarter of a mile!) into a pen. That should be challenging, considering that -- as one of the EEFPs pointed out -- these are probably cows that get herded by tourists several times a week. But anyway, two members of the team, two horses, six cattle. Two of the Tonyas take the Roadblock. "Don't be afraid to ride him, Lauren," Wally advises as his daughters go off with a couple of cowboys. Not every day a dad gets to give that advice, now, is it? The riding of horses ensues, and someone strains for a City Slickers vibe with the soaring strings on the score, but it ain't happening. As Beth and Lauren do the Roadblock, the Weavers are nearing the ranch. The Bransens finish, and the clue they get says something about "I'm old and faithful." I would normally make fun of the stupidity of that "clue," but you couldn't have convinced me before the race that anyone thought Lake Pontchartrain was one of the Great Lakes, either . Phil explains that this clue instructs them to go to Yellowstone Park and find Old Faithful, the geyser that erupts about every 90 minutes. They have to go and watch it erupt, and then they can go. I have to say, I've watched Old Faithful erupt, and I found it a little anticlimactic. I admit that at ten years old, I may have been too much of an adrenaline junkie to appreciate its splendor, but my recollection is that the entire family was like, "Huh." ["Ours too. Mr. S's rather baroque bout of carsickness later that same day was the more impressive natural wonder, in my opinion. Good show, Young Faithful." -- Sars] And then we did things that were more fun, like taking pictures of moose. At any rate, the Bransens scurry off.
The Weavers hit the ranch and the Roadblock . Rebecca and Rachel take the Roadblock. Apparently, Rebecca is quite the horse lady (in an entirely different way than her mother), so she is supposedly going to be awesome at this. As they ride, Mama explains to us that they have horses at home, and adds that Rebecca and her father were going to be in a cattle-pinning contest once upon a time but never did it. I'm going to spare you the jokes that circulated among the people with whom I watched this episode, because...they were really tacky. No, tackier than that.
The Godlewskis approach the ranch, and they're glad to see that the Linzes are not behind them. They also tell Sharon to be careful not to overshoot, because she doesn't want to have to turn the car and the trailer around again. Of course, she overshoots anyway, and so now they have to get her turned around. Call me crazy, but I really think that there was a time in the history of this show when a couple of people directing the inching involved in making a 50-point turn just wouldn't have made the cut. Or at least it wouldn't have made the cut twice. Anyway, we have to watch as the sisters bail out and yell at Sharon while she tries to turn around. Michelle and Christine, as you might imagine, have trouble working as a team to help Sharon do this, as they have trouble working as a team to do much of anything.
Commercials. I really love Dennis Quaid in ways I can't even tell you about, and he has genuinely made my life better, but...Yours, Mine, And Ours? No.
Back on the show, the Gadzookskis are still trying to turn around. Some guys come along, and the pinks prevail upon them to back the camper up. As the guy climbs in and gets the trailer turned around, Sharon wonders, "Why couldn't I do that?" "Because you're a retard!" Michelle chirps helpfully. "'Cause I'm retarded!" Sharon agrees, jumping up and down and clapping. Well, she's taking the news well. They thank their helper and leave. As they get to the ranch, they note that the Bransens -- whom they refer to as "Park Ridge," in reference to their hometown -- are already on the way out. The Bransens mention in their car that the Godlewskis, on the way in, are supposed to pull over and let them leave if they pass each other on the road. Note that for later.
Meanwhile, Rebecca and Rachel continue their Roadblock, and they're soon finished. They get the Old Faithful clue and leave. As they're going, they catch a glimpse of the Gadzookskis on the way in. The Gadzookskis see them too, as someone says she "definitely saw Linda's hair." Heh. Sharon and Michelle take the Roadblock for their team. Michelle's horse immediately tries to throw her off, having heard how mean she is, but she regains control.
The Linzes are arriving as the Weavers are leaving, and the teams squeeze by each other. But rather than just squeezing by, Linda has to roll down the window and spit, "You're supposed to yield for outgoing traffic." Of course, she just gave up whatever time she would have gained by having that advantage, so, whatever. Based on what the Bransens said, I'm sure that's in the information with the clue, but the attitude is just so damn unnecessary. They're in the midst of passing each other. Clearly, they're way ahead of the Linzes. Nobody gains time by refusing to move and winding up playing chicken, so...who cares? "I apologize," Nick says -- basically believably. Like, he still doesn't like them, but I think it's conceivable that he accepts that the clue may very well say he was supposed to pull over and he didn't notice, and if that's the case, he's...sorry, you know? He doesn't like them any better than he did five minutes ago, but it doesn't mean the guy can't apologize. ["Either that or he's realized that disagreeing with the Weavers, even if he's right, is a fool's errand, and has elected not to bother." -- Sars] The best part is that after the Weavers drive off, they're still bitching about how much they hate the Linzes, and Rolly mocks Nick for...apologizing. Huh? I mean, you can mock other things, but the guy apologized. That's not a great thing to pick as the target of your derision, really.
In the Linz car, Nick (I believe) is doing his best Mama Weaver, saying in a high-pitched biddy voice, "You're supposed to yieeeeld for oncoming veeehicles!" And then Alex throws in, for no good reason, "And my face is so wrinkled." Which is totally irrelevant and borderline offensive, but kind of deserved.
Sharon and Michelle keep it up on the horses, and they ultimately get their clue and take off. The Linzes are still driving into the ranch property, so they encounter the pinks as the pinks are leaving. Tommy and Alex take the Roadblock as the Godlewskis express their great happiness over not being last. Tommy does a lot of whooping and hooting on the horse, but we don't see very much of that, and before you know it, the Linzes are on their way.
Holy God, this episode is boring. Is it just me?
The Bransens pull into Yellowstone and park near the geyser. They're informed that it's supposed to go off around 4:30, which is in about fifty minutes. So Wally is hoping that it will go ahead and blow, and that not too many people will get there. But...the Weavers are coming. They pull into Yellowstone as well, and Wally and the Tonyas spot them running up to Old Faithful. And they're literally running, which you're apparently not supposed to do in the park. ["True. A ranger yelled at my mom for that." -- Sars] There is some back-and-forth as these teams talk amongst themselves -- the Weavers not sure why the Bransens are all sitting on the ground, and the Bransens not sure why the Weavers are wandering like they don't know where they're going instead of just coming over to where the Bransens are. "Are they retarded? Don't they see us?" asks one of the Tonyas. Certainly is a big day for being retarded. When Mama Weaver gets there with the little ones, she says to the Bransens, "So what are you guys doing, waiting for it to erupt?" I really wish somebody had been like, "No, dumb-ass, we're sitting here waiting to have lunch with you." Because...what? And shut up. As it turns out, the Weavers have gotten incredibly lucky yet again in a manner they will certainly attribute to being favored by God, because the geyser is getting ready to go off any minute, and they're just in time to see it.
The Godlewskis are close, and the Linzes are, too. They're both inside the park. And then...the geyser blows. The Godlewskis can even see from their car that it's going off without them there, which would be incredibly frustrating. Once the geyser has finished erupting -- which looks on TV just the way I remember it -- the first two teams, the Bransens and Weavers, get their clue from the fireman waiting with them. It tells them to drive south on Highway 287 and find a ranch at . And then at the ranch, "search for Phil." So, obviously, not a pit stop, if you've seen the show, particularly last season.
The Godlewskis and Linzes arrive at the geyser in time to see everybody leaving, and the Bransens even give the pinks a steer in the right direction. The Linzes know it's not good to see two teams leaving as they're arriving. Because, of course, not only does that mean you're behind, but it means you're behind and the thing just went. The pinks and Linzes get situated at the geyser to wait, wondering when it will go off, and again, they hear that it will indeed be close to an hour and a half. But an hour and a half goes fast, and once we've listened to the Linzes talk about the race to the mat and the Godlewskis talk about how Christine will "trip someone" if necessary, it's time to see Old Faithful erupt again. Pssshhhhhh! These two teams leave in third and fourth place. In the Linz car, Nick says, "Does it say 'pit stop'?" "No," Megan tells him. "That's weird," he remarks. And then he adopts his Hans-and-Franz voice as he says, "That's very weee-ahd. Maybe some-sing is going on dat we don't know about." Indeed. Indeed.
We move to the Bransens, who are still unhappy about the Weavers having caught up with them at the geyser. The two teams are now neck and neck heading for the ranch. One of the Tonyas tells Wally that while Rolly can outrun them, they can outrun the girls, so Wally needs to go fast to Phil. For his part, Rolly tells him team that he'll "take out Wally" and then meet them at the mat. Tough talk, there, pipsqueak. The Bransens and Weavers drive into the entrance for . They are hunting for Phil. The Bransens are slightly ahead. And...there's Phil, who is sitting on a fence, looking delightful. The teams bail out of their cars and start running. Phil slowly gets down from his fence. Rolly comes around the corner first, but his sisters and mother are way too slow, and the Bransens -- including Wally -- easily make it to the mat before anybody but Rolly can get there. Yay!
Phil says to the gathered teams, "Bransen family, Weaver family, you are the first and second teams to arrive. However, this leg of the race is not over. You're still racing, and I have your clue." "How long is this leg going to go on?" someone whines. But it's not me, because the fact that this isn't the final elimination point at least leaves open the slight possibility that the Weavers could still go before the final three.
And then..."To be continued." Bleh.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: The Gadzookskis try to kill Christine. Someone litters. The Weavers get pulled over by the cops, possibly for never wearing their seatbelts. You'd almost think if your dad died in a car accident, you might wear your seatbelt, no?