Episode Report Card Gustave: B | 4 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Midnight at Casa Kiefer
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 11.05.2001
As Kiefer leaves the house, he calls one of SOK's ex-boyfriends, a shirtless tattooed guy smoking pot and listening to loud rock music in a candlelit room. He assures Kiefer that SOK isn't there. Oh sure, the kids think Kiefer's square, but ultimately they respect the Kiefer and tell him the truth. Spawn of Kiefer is, in fact, in an SUV with a girlfriend of hers. Friend of Spawn of Kiefer (FOSOK) is a poor man's Mena Suvari from American Beauty -- tarty but stiff. They're on their way to one of those proverbial double dates with a couple of college guys. Like, doesn't anyone know that the college guy/high school girl double date never happens anymore? If a high school girl wants to get date raped by a college boy these days, she's got to team up with a girlfriend or two and sneak into a keg party as a free agent. So anyway, as SOK applies lip gloss, FOSOK moves to the music and explains that they're all meeting in a furniture store because one of these boys works there. Poor FOSOK. She was obviously told by the director to rock out to some music that wasn't actually playing on the set when they shot this scene. "We'll edit it in later," says the director. "It'll look great. You won't look stupid at all!" But the music they added to the soundtrack totally doesn't match whatever she's "grooving" to now, so she totally does look stupid. Oh, and you know how in those proverbial college guy/high school girl double dates, the sluttier and wiser of the two girls makes some comment that no one ever makes in real life about how they're about to meet some "real men" who aren't "high school boys"? Well, that just happened. Spawn of Kiefer's all excited.
Kiefer's in his own car, heading to "CTU," his office that exists under the auspices of the CIA. He calls Nina, some woman who works for him, on his cell phone to pump her for more details about this surprise meeting. While talking to Office Bitch of Kiefer, he passes a billboard for David Palmer's Presidential campaign, which seems to cause him to have a hunch of some kind. Nina, the Office Bitch of Kiefer, a poor man's Hilary Swank, has a brunette version of the Meg Ryan lesbian businesswoman's hairdo. You know, the one that is straight on top but fluffs out as it hits the ears as if to say, "The top of my head is all business, but here around the ears I'm wild, perky, and sexually uninhibited!"? After she gets off the phone, she's accosted by the inappropriately dressed spunky Latina spitfire that no office is complete without. Okay, remember Vasquez from Aliens? She was the butch Latina marine who, although she didn't understand all of Sigourney Weaver's scientific explanations for things and all those big words, just wanted to find those muthafuckin' aliens and blow them sky-high. And she loved Bill Paxton, her homophobic, racist, sexist compadre, although she didn't let on until they were about to blow up together. Well, imagine a slightly less butch version of Vasquez, but with Baby Spice's haircut. "How long is this gonna take," says Jalapeño Spice, cracking her gum and removing her leather jacket. "Why," says Office Bitch of Kiefer. "Are we interrupting your social life?" "At least I have a social life," replies Special Agent Paprika, who seems to be fighting the urge to snap her fingers drag-queen style in OBOK's face. OBOK walks over to the desk of a handsome thirty-ish Latin guy with a soul patch and ask him if he knows anything about the emergency meeting. Soul Patch knows nothing either.