Episode Report Card Gustave: B | 5 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Midnight at Casa Kiefer
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 11.05.2001
Back at CTU, it's 12:25:57. Kiefer is doing some work of some sort. Nina-Bitch-of-Kiefer sidles up to him to ask him what's going on. Kiefer tells her that George Mason is coming by to brief him. "You? Not us?" says Bitch of Kiefer incredulously. Kiefer ignores her. "You can't shut me out," says Bitch of Kiefer as Soul Patch looks over and gives them the hairy eyeball. Kiefer gives her some more vague excuses, and she accuses him of lying. "I am lying," says Kiefer. "But you're still going to have to trust me." "One of these days you're going to ask for too much," says Nina. The phone rings. It's Bride of Kiefer. She just found three joints in Spawn of Kiefer's room. Okay, what kind of anal-retentive bitch is Spawn of Kiefer anyway? I mean, what kind of normal teenager rolls joints for later? When me and my friends had pot -- which admittedly was rare, as we were such geeks that we were totally out of the loop of all the drug dealing in our high school -- we kept it in the Ziploc baggie we bought it in, goddammit. If we were going somewhere, we'd roll an evening's worth of joints and bring them along, hidden in a pack of real cigarettes. We would never do something prissy like buy pot, roll it all into individual joints, and then leave what we don't need for the evening in our desk drawers. I mean, you'd think the daughter of a CIA agent who "loves to party" would hide her stash with just a little more sophistication. "I know this isn't the end of the world," says Bride of Kiefer for the benefit of the millions of people out there who were just about to burst into peals of hysterical laughter over the idea of a parent freaking out over finding a joint in their daughter's bedroom, because when you get right down to it, most parents today would love it if their kids were just stoners. "Hey, look!" says a jubilant mom snooping in her daughter's room. "It's not crack!" I mean, yeah, pot smoking can lead to the use of more serious drugs…but only if you can still get off the couch and go find some. Stoners are non-destructive and generally pleasant. And they don't overachieve, so you don't have to worry about sending them to expensive private schools. Cocaine users, on the other hand, are all status-conscious and stuff. They get wired and do their homework and always want to go to some college that caters to rich kids like Sarah Lawrence or Bennington. A good state school will do just fine for a stoner. And stoners don't sneak out at night and go to parties in furniture shops; they're too unmotivated to leave the house. Now that you can get pizza and videos delivered, there's no need to worry about who your stoner kids are hanging out with, because their fat asses are stuck in the beanbag chairs in your basement so you can keep your eye on them all night. And a pot habit isn't expensive enough to encourage crime. As long as your kid has a job at a video store, they can afford a pot habit and have access to free videos. However, this is cold comfort for Mama and Papa Kiefer, who see the pot as a harmless-on-its-own symptom of other destructive behavior. Kiefer tells Bride of Kiefer to check Spawn's email. "We gave her her own password to show that we trusted her, remember?" says Bride of Kiefer, much to the amusement of parents everywhere. Kiefer tells his wife that he's sorry he can't be there to help her look for Spawn, and gets off the phone. "Everything okay?" asks Bitch of Kiefer, who's been listening to Kiefer's side of the conversation while she shuffles papers around. Kiefer puts on a good front and claims that everything's fine.
Back at Bad Teen Convertibles, Rick is expounding upon how he's decided to go to San Diego State University. Then he takes his cigarette and grips it carefully between his thumb and forefinger and smokes it really hard like it's a joint with a filter tip. Spawn of Kiefer asks about the surfing at SDSU. Rick explains that surfing requires more motivation than he has. Spawn explains that her dad used to surf. When Rick asks why he stopped, Spawn explains that he used to be a really great guy, but he died six months ago. I guess someone at Casa Kiefer has transmuted their divorce trauma a little too far. "But I'm over it," says Spawn of Kiefer. They make out.