Episode Report Card Sars: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Hurricane
By Sars | Season 1 | Episode 5 | Aired on 02.16.1998
As Doug "Hyperion Boy" Witter scoops NO SWIMMING signs out of his trunk, Pacey complains about having to help him, and Doug sneers, "Aw, just stop your punk-ass whining." "Punk-ass"? Doug slams the trunk so that we can read the word POLICE on the back of the car. Gee, thanks, writers -- I wouldn't have had the first idea what Doug does for a living, what with the UNIFORM and the BADGE and GUN HOLSTER and whatnot. Well, except for the "wouldn't" part. Pacey whines about missing a day off, Doug counters with "Dad's orders," Pacey comments on Doug's "lapdog enthusiasm," Doug announces his intention to kick Pacey's ass, and Pacey tells Doug that he has to learn to deal with his hostility and stop repressing his "true homosexual desires." Doug informs Pacey, "Just because I'm pretty doesn't mean I'm gay. I happen to be the straightest guy I know." Yeah, like we care.
Pacey continues baiting Doug about his CD collection, which apparently contains Barbra Streisand and the soundtrack to Les Miz, and about his decision to enter a profession which requires him to dress like a member of the Village People, and after a little more stereotype-slinging by Pacey, Deputy Doug grabs the front of Pacey's shirt and growls, "Listen, Pacey, I'm not gay," and storms off. Pacey shrugs his shirt back into shape and smiles. And people wonder why I drink so much coffee.
Cut to Bessie's Bastard Barn, where "Where In The World Is" Bodie "Sandiego" and Bessie "Womb! There It Is" Potter argue over whether to circumcise the baby. Bessie calls the procedure "mutilation," while Bodie assures her that, if he was conscious for his circumcision, he'd definitely remember it. As they bring things in from the porch, Joey notes, "Junior's foreskin'll be a non-issue if we all blow away in a typhoon," and Bodie says not to worry, hurricanes never get as far north as Capeside, and Joey says, "Well, I vote we go to Dawson's," and Bessie agrees, but Bodie tells Bessie not to change the subject -- he wants the baby circumcised, and he makes a chopping motion with his hand to accentuate the point. Bessie still says no. Joey rolls her eyes. Bodie tells Bessie not to think he'll give her the last word just because she's pregnant, and Bessie says, "Watch me," and Bodie sighs, perplexed. Whatever.
Pacey pauses in the middle of planting black flags on the beach to look up at a house with a huge verandah and a bunch of windsocks flapping wildly. On said verandah, Tamara "TaMAHra" Jacobs rushes around bringing flowerpots inside. Pacey comes up on the porch and calls, "Tammy!" As he approaches to kiss her, she backs away with a windowbox in her arms and warns, "No, don't!" as Deputy Doug comes around the corner and says, "Yo, Pace, give me a hand here." "Yo"? TaMAHra tells Pacey that Doug "was kind enough to help me secure the place," and Pacey mutters something sarcastic, and TaMAHra asks if the bad weather has given Pacey a chance to catch up on his reading. Doug laughs, "Are you kidding? The guy's a goof -- he hasn't cracked a book since third grade." "Goof"? TaMAHra says that Pacey does quite well in her class, and Doug tells her to call him "Doug" instead of "Officer Witter," and he leans jauntily on her doorjamb and fiddles with the bill of his dorky foam-filled police hat and says, "And I can call you?" Pacey interrupts, "Oh, 'Miss Jacobs' will be fine," and TaMAHra says, "Or 'TaMAHra,' whatever you like," and Doug half-tips his hat and says smarmily, "TaMAHra." Then TaMAHra jumps at the sound of a thunderclap and says she hates storms and doesn't do well in bad weather, and Doug slimes, "Well, we'll have to do something about that," and basically invites himself over as TaMAHra giggles and goes inside; Pacey gives Doug the stink-eye.
The Leerys must have a lot of porch furniture, because we cut next to Dawson, still stacking chairs and tables as The Flash herds Jen "Stayed Home" Lindley and Grams "Das Boot" Ryan into the house. Grams doesn't see the need to go to the Leerys, muttering, "If the Lord decides to blow my house away, so be it," and Jen says, "Oh, Grams, I forgot to tell you -- the Lord sent a fax while you were out, something about the Armageddon?" Um, Jen? First of all, shut up and show your elders some respect for a change. Second of all, it's just "Armageddon," not "the Armageddon" -- if you must make jokes at Grams's expense, make jokes that make sense. Third of all, shut up. Grams snorts and goes inside, followed by The Flash, as Jen laughs at her own stupid joke and says porquettishly to Dawson, "Hey, stranger." Dawson expresses concern over Jen's grandfather, who has gone to the hospital for some tests, and Jen says, "He'll be okay," but adds, "It's made Grams kinda anxious, though." She tries to make small talk with Dawson, who answers in falsely cheerful monosyllables while always keeping a piece of furniture between himself and Jen, and when she asks if she can help with anything, he flaps his arms around and says, "Uh, no, I'm cool, thanks." Jen calls him on it: "You're being cold to me, Dawson." He starts to protest, "No, I," but she interrupts, "I mean, it's not a judgment or anything, it's just an observation. Do you want to talk about this?" Dawson condescendingly tells her it has nothing to do with her, or with them, he just has "a big to-do list" in his head. Jen doesn't buy it, mumbling, "Sure," and going inside. Dawson sulks.