Episode Report Card Demian: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Gypsies, Tramps, and Feebs
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.19.2002
Meanwhile, Lydia's cornered Ava by the coffin and begs her to remain for the wake. Not only will Ava find protection from The Reprehensible Senator within the crowd, she'll also be able to enjoy the fabulous stew Lydia threw together for the occasion! It's a bonus! Ava tells Lydia to cram it, and blows on out of there. Lydia starts after her, but rams into the awkwardly galumphing Feebs, hurling Phoebe into a scattered premonition featuring Tereza's corpse, the funeral violinist, weeping mourners, lonely Lydia amid stacks of cordwood, and a certain nearby someone getting her eyes fried right out of her skull. Once Phoebe's snapped out of it, Lydia apologizes for jostling her and asks if she's all right. Rather than, oh, warning this Gypsy high priestess that she's about to die, the foresighted moron merely mumbles, "I'm fine," and cowers in an exaggerated cringe as Lydia passes into the crowd. Phoebe's far more sensible sisters scurry over, figure out what's going on, and chase after the imperiled bleached blonde.
Lydia races through a maze of stacked cordwood, calling for Ava. I'm guessing Lydia sells the wood on commission to pay off the mortgage on her decrepit Gulf Stream. Either that, or Gypsies fashion intricate mazes out of cordwood just for the hell of it and then charge admission to easily-entertained Anglos. I bet if the easily-entertained Anglos lose their way, the Gypsies charge them extra to lead them back outside. And then pick their pockets. What? Oh, shut up. At least I'm trying to explain the goddamned cordwood's presence. In any event, Sonny Boy Hatch's disembodied voice echoes through the area before he materializes suddenly to make with the threats. Lydia shouts something in Romanian, and green bolts of electricity shoot from her eyes to kick up the dust at Sonny's feet. A whirlwind of splinters encases his body until he mojos a red bolt of his own into Lydia's chest. As she collapses unconscious to the ground, the whirlwind dissipates, and Sonny advances on her to commence with the eye-sucking. The Glamorous Ladies dart onto the scene just as Lydia begins screaming. Piper flings out her Hands Of Discontent. Rather than dissolving into the expected cloud of black goo, Sonny hurtles end over end through the air to land on the far side of a stack of wood. Piper gripes in surprise and dismay at the failure of her explosive power as she joins Phoebe and Raige at Lydia's side. Sonny leaps upon the cordwood to fry some interfering Halliwell ass, but Raige orbs her little group out of the clearing. Sonny growls as he's overwhelmed by the onrushing commercials.
Manor dining room. The Dolt applies the tingly touch to Lydia's injured eyes. She gasps and blinks a few times, then quickly collects herself to rise, thank them all, and leave. The Ps, mistaking Lydia's independent resolve for fear of the Power of Three, insist that she remain under their protection in the Manor. Lydia scoffs at the suggestion that she's afraid of the Halliwells, reminding the gals that Gypsies and witches "come from sister traditions." She then notes she's not the only target of the demonic force in question, firmly but gently suggests they mind their own freaking business for once in their lives, and again attempts to return to her Gulf Stream to protect her own as best she can. Raige, clad in a hideously patterned sweater featuring irregular patches of mustard, pink, ecru, red, chocolate, and institutional aqua that are so appallingly ugly the whole thing almost works, pleads with Lydia to stay and share with them what she knows. Meanwhile, Phoebe tries unsuccessfully to ignore the jangling telephone. Finally, the Feebs groans in frustration and darts into the parlor to deal with Suddenly Shrewish alone. Lydia exposits that the Shuvanis -- a Gypsy class of hereditary high priestesses -- collectively robbed The Reprehensible Senator From Utah of his sight decades ago, but there are too few of them available nowadays to curse his son, "Cree," as well. Doctor Ava, a Shuvani by way of her dead mother, has exposed herself to attack by abandoning her birthright and the protective magic that comes with it. Piper announces that she and the Dolt will orb to San Francisco Memorial to check up on the good doctor, and perhaps hit up the OB/GYNs for a quick round of prenatal tests while they're at it. Once they've left, Phoebe emerges into the hallway with the cordless, apologizing repeatedly as Suddenly Shrewish places more unreasonable demands upon her time. Phoebe vows to make her next "personal appearance," and hangs up. Raige assures Lydia that they'll do whatever they can to help vanquish The Reprehensible Senator and his boy.