Episode Report Card Demian: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Gypsies, Tramps, and Feebs
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.19.2002
Back from the break, Piper can't understand how Phoebe's body was affected by Premonoebe's jaunt through possible future events. No one understands, Piper, but we can't wait to hear the half-assed explanation we're certain to receive from the crackheaded hacks who come up with this shit. Phoebe likens her power progression to a form of astral projection, which is bound to piss off the legions of fans who still mourn the loss of The Late Lamented and her inimitable sense of style. Phoebe then cuts through the crap to remind them all that no matter what form her premonitions take, they serve the same purpose -- to warn the Glamorous Ladies of future events so that they can take steps to effect the best possible outcome.
Attic. Piper's not sure how visiting the scene of the impending witch massacre will help them vanquish The Reprehensible Senator From Utah. Raige notes Doctor Ava wasn't present in Premonoebe's vision; therefore, they've already altered the outcome. Uhhhh...okay, Raige. As long as you realize that, thus far, you've simply upped the probable body count from four to five. Raige explains to Ava that they might be able to rid themselves of The Reprehensible Senator once and for all if they combine Wiccan and Gypsy traditions into some sort of Super-Wiccy vanquishing force. She suggests Ava call upon her ancestors for assistance, much as the gals called upon their own to off The Source. Raige opens the Book of Shadows to the spell in question, and instructs Ava to substitute her family members' names for those on the page. Ava does so just as The Reprehensible Senator flares into the attic. The first half of Premonoebe's vision plays out as detailed above, with Piper on ice and the Dolt incapacitated. However, as Raige and Phoebe join Ava in chanting, "Nicolae witches stand strong beside us -- vanquish this evil from time and space," the ghosts of Ava's ancestors emerge from the Book to form a whirling protective shield around the gals. When The Reprehensible Senator shoots a triple blast of Green Gypsy Death at the women, Ava's ghosts propel the Blazing Bolts back into The Reprehensible Senator's body. The Reprehensible Senator howls and moans and wails and dissolves in an exploding veil of flame. As Phoebe hustles to her fallen sister's side, the recapacitated Dolt quickly knits up Piper's wounds, like, is the percolating infant asleep or something? Meanwhile, back at the Book, Ava bursts into tears because she felt her dead mother's presence in the room. She's quite the weepy one, that Ava. Raige slings a companionable arm across Ava's shoulders for a sympathetic half-hug.
After a brief and mercifully ovary-free closing travelogue, it's off to San Francisco's Infamous And Bustling Gypsy Quarter for the Weekly Summation. Doctor Ava's converted Aunt Lydia's decrepit Gulf Stream into a free medical clinic for Gypsies without health insurance, and Raige has volunteered as a physician's assistant. No, really. No. REALLY. That takes care of Raige's Issue -- what about Piper's? Well, as Ava's already a party to the entire bitchcraft thing, she'd make a perfect primary-care physician for the expectant Charmed One and her magical percolating infant. Right? RIGHT? Which leaves us with Phoebe. Unfortunately, Phoebe's Issue Of The Week is deeply rooted in the ongoing disaster that is her relationship with the ex-husband, so no resolution for the Feebs in the foreseeable future. Are you disappointed? I know I am. Actually, that's a lie. I'm so weary of this storyline that I'm unable to muster anything more than withering ennui as each new development unreels. Except, of course, when said developments involve Julian McMahon losing his shirt. The evening ends with the Ps plus Doctor Ava giggling while bathed in the golden light of newfound friendship. Or something like that.