Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Pets And Petulance
By Keckler | Season 2 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.15.2002
Bridge. Quantum asks T'Pol if she reached the Kreetassans, which she did, but she thinks they need to discuss the matter in his Ready Room. Quantum stalks off as Hoshi and T'Pol exchange looks. In the Captain's Ready Room, T'Pol asks Quantum if he recalls the trees outside the Hall of Diplomacy. Quantum doesn't know what she's talking about, and he's quite rude about it. "They're Alvera trees, over three hundred years old --" "That's fascinating," Quantum practically yells. "Did you apologize for whatever we did wrong? Are we going to get our plasma injector?" "The Kreetassans consider the Alvera trees cultural treasures. Apparently, Porthos urinated on one of them," T'Pol tells him. Quantum whips around: "And that's what they're insulted about?" No, they're insulted that Porthos didn't save himself for their legs -- what do you think, Numb Lobes? T'Pol states that their annoyance is understandable. "Well, maybe if they'd bothered to read the genetic profile we sent, they'd have told us to leave the dog on the ship and then he wouldn't have had the opportunity to pee on one of their precious trees!" Quantum snaps, spitting his Ps all over the place. Wiping off her face, T'Pol tells Quantum that she conveyed his sincerest apologies to the Kreetassans, who are now discussing contrition acts. Quantum wants to know where the hell T'Pol gets off doing her job by conveying his apologies: "They're the ones who should be sorry!" T'Pol doesn't think she needs to remind him of their desire for a plasma injector, but she does it anyway. "There are some things more important than plasma injectors," Quantum spits. "Are you referring to your pride?" T'Pol wonders. "I'll tell you one thing, Sub-Commander, if anything happens to Porthos, I'll be the one watering their Alvera trees," Quantum says. Yet another reason why I don't think he's a qualified pet owner -- I'd go a helluva lot further than some juvenile act performed by college boys every Saturday night on campuses all over the U.S. if someone hurt my one whisker on my cats' faces.
Quantum's Quarters. As Porthos suffers alone in Sick Bay, Quantum watches water polo and angrily hurls his water polo ball against the wall. The time is ten-thirty-two in the evening, and I'm still annoyed that they aren't using military time. Finally, Quantum whips his blanket off the bed, gives Porthos's empty cushion a furrow, and leaves.
Bearing pillows and a blanket, Quantum enters Sick Bay. "If you were a married man, I'd be wondering if your wife had thrown you out," Phlox comments. If he were a married man, his wife would have thrown him out long before this, for the excessive furrowing alone. Crouching next to the incubator, Quantum tells the doctor that he thought Porthos would be cheered by his proximity, "that is, if it's all right with you." Phlox tells him he doesn't think Porthos will even know he's there. "Well, then, maybe it will cheer me up," Quantum admits. Phlox tells him to take his pick of the examining beds. Quantum wanders over to a bed and asks how Porthos is doing. "My sub-mammalian database contains no pertinent files on bugles but there's sufficient information on similar Chordata," Phlox says. Quantum stares at him and says, "Beagles." "Yes," Phlox smiles. Quantum decides to cross-examine his doctor on his suitability to treat a dog, who is only sick because Quantum left his medulla oblongata on Earth. "Are there any dogs on your home-world?" Quantum asks. "The Denobulan lemur is highly sought-after. It's not exactly a dog, but you could say it's dog-like. It has a tail, fur...most have one head," Phlox tells him. "Did your medical training include --" Quantum begins, but Phlox interrupts him with, "Captain, please. You needn't be concerned -- I hold six degrees in interspecies veterinary medicine." Quantum says he thought Phlox was just a "people doctor." Phlox shrugs, "I've also earned degrees in dentistry, hematology, botanical pharmacology --" Quantum throws up his hands and says he's impressed, and once again asks how Porthos is doing. Phlox tells him he thinks he's eliminated the pathogen, but he still has to see if his treatment is going to be effective in stabilizing Porthos's auto-immune system before..."Before what?" Quantum prompts, but Phlox says he'll have more data in a few hours. "Before what, Doctor?" Quantum presses. "There are many harmless strains of bacteria that can become lethal when the immune system is compromised," Phlox explains, "but it is too early to be thinking about that." Phlox suggests that they both try to get some sleep; if Porthos's vital signs change at all, a very loud alarm will wake them up. Phlox tells Quantum goodnight.
Quantum crouches down next to the incubator. "I would've brought you some cheese, but Dr. Phlox wouldn't have let me give you any," he tells the unresponsive CGI'd Porthos. Quantum walks over to his bed for the night and pulls the curtain around him. And STILL ANOTHER reason I don't believe he's selling the concerned pet owner shtick -- even if Porthos seems to be out of it now, wouldn't Quantum still want to be in sight in case the dog wakes up? If it were me, I'd certainly want to be able to see my pet at all times. Quantum settles down to sleep, but his descent into the arms of Morpheus is disturbed by an intermittent buzzing noise. He gets up and sees Phlox's shadow behind a curtain. We see Phlox using a electric knife-type thing to shave off his yellow-striped-with-black toenails into a petri dish. "Doctor, are you all right?" Quantum calls through the curtain. "I'm sorry, Captain, did I wake you?" Phlox sings out. "Just trimming my toenails -- they grow quite rapidly. I have to keep them groomed at least once a week." Quantum grimaces at this TMI: "Just wanted to be sure you're okay." Phlox thanks him for his concern and bids him goodnight again before going back to trimming his very thick toenails, which make fairly audible clinks as they fall into the petri dish. Quantum listens a bit longer and goes back to bed, patting the incubator on his way.