Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Pets And Petulance
By Keckler | Season 2 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.15.2002
The handy time stamp tells us that Quantum seems to have slept less than twenty minutes. He staggers over to Phlox, who is now dressed in gold-ish smock, and tells him he dreamt that Porthos died. "Let's hope your dream wasn't prophetic," Phlox tells him gravely. Quantum asks again about the progress of the treatment; Phlox doesn't believe it is going very well. Quantum crouches next to the incubator and tells Phlox the tedious story of how Porthos got his name. The mother of one of his ex-girlfriends had a beagle he adored, and when that dog had puppies, the mother called Quantum and offered him one. "Four males in the litter...the Four Musketeers. I've had Porthos since he was six weeks old. I grew up with dogs. Can't remember not having one," Quantum furrows pathetically up at Phlox. He asks Phlox if he ever had any pets. "My people don't keep pets," Phlox tells him. "I thought you said something about the Denobulan lemur being highly sought after," Quantum squints. "Well, very much so -- their kidneys are considered a great delicacy," Phlox tells him. Quantum looks startled.
T'Pol walks in, bearing two more dinners than her allotted two, and comments she thought they might be hungry. Phlox twitters about how very kind and thoughtful she is, but Quantum puts his Furrow Of Petulance back on and says, "Was there something on their list about apologizing on a full stomach?" T'Pol reminds him that he read the Kreetassan communiqué. Quantum grudges out an apology: "Sorry. I'm a little on edge -- I haven't slept very much but I'm doing the breast -- the best I can." Phlox walks between them and mutters, "Hmm," very pointedly. T'Pol accepts his apology and tells him she understands. "Ensign Sato and I have broken down the reconciliation demands into specific categories if you're interested in reviewing them," T'Pol tells him. Quantum barks that the only thing on his mind is Porthos, and T'Pol apologizes for interrupting him. Quantum thinks better of his tone of voice: "No, no. I-i-it's okay. When you get back to the Bridge, why don't you send me you lips -- lisp! List!" T'Pol flickers her eyes at him and leaves without a word. Those Freudian slips were funnier when The Dick Van Dyke Show did them several decades ago. Quantum grabs at his Furrow Of Idiocy, as Phlox comments, "Two Pillarian slips in thirty seconds. Interesting." Porthos's vital signs alarm goes off, and Phlox bustles medically. Phlox reports that his treatment was partially successful, in that Porthos's immune system has stabilized, but his pituitary gland has been severely damaged: "It's all but disintegrated." Phlox orders Quantum to bring him a cage from the corner and to fill a see-through tub. Quantum carries the cage over, asking what is inside. "A Calrissian chameleon -- I'll need to alter its DNA to avoid rejection but its pituitary gland should be compatible with your dog's," Phlox tells him. Okay, did anyone else out there wonder if the chameleon is related to Lando? Quantum questions Phlox's decision to give his dog a transplant from a lizard. "Unless you have a better suggestion. It's a shame, actually, the chameleon secretes a rare toxin that's very useful in treating respiratory infections. She's the last one I have," Phlox tells him. I'm still wondering if that Regulan Blood Worm is still swimming around inside Reed. Quantum asks what's going on with the tank of water. "I'll need to super-hydrate the canine in order to minimize the shock to his pulmonary system," Phlox explains. "You're going to drown my dog?" Quantum squeals. "Only for an hour, Captain, there should be no problem resuscitating him once the surgery's complete," Phlox assures him. Quantum quite rightly asks how many times Phlox has performed this particular procedure. Phlox tells him "never," and he doesn't know anyone who has done it either. Quantum grabs Phlox's arm and grunts, "You know this isn't some guinea pig you're working on, here. This is Porthos, my beagle. My pal!" God, this dialogue stinks so much you could bottle it and sell it as a chemical weapon. Quantum rants some more about Phlox's complete lack of understanding about what it means to have a pet. Phlox agrees, "Perhaps you're right, Captain. Perhaps I am insensitive to the bond between you and your subservient quadruped. I'll leave the procedure up to you, but whatever your decision, make it quickly." Quantum furrows The Furrow Of I Have No Other Option Because He's The Most Medically Minded On This Ship So I Should Just Cheese It Rather Rapidly.
Phlox and Quantum are both wearing The Silver Smocks Of Surgery, and poor Porthos is suspended in a pool of orange goo. As Phlox is performing a procedure that's never been tried before, obviously it must be the very best time for Quantum to discuss his sex life. Or lack thereof. He asks what he's supposed to do about his potential attraction to T'Pol. Phlox tells him he should neither ignore it nor say anything to her. "If you were ignoring it, you obviously wouldn't be seeking my opinion -- especially under these circumstances [See? Even Phlox recognizes the ickiness of this discussion while Porthos's head is being cut open. I think the next patient due for a pituitary transplant is Capt. Immature here!]. As for discussing it with the Sub-Commander, that's entirely up to you but I can't imagine an outcome that would do anything but make matters worse," Phlox tells him, and pointedly asks for the "auto-suture." Quantum asks when they'll know the transplant is working. "One step at a time, first we need to resuscitate him," Phlox tells him. "So, I can't ignore it and I can't talk about it -- what do you suggest I do?" Quantum presses, the cursory question of Porthos's life or death more or less taken care of. Phlox advises, "Be aware of it, Captain. Simply be aware of it -- you'd be surprised what a difference that'll make. Lower the fluidic temperature twelve degrees." Quantum asks if Porthos will need rehab or a special diet with his new pituitary gland. "You may have trouble finding him," Phlox tosses off carelessly. "He'll have the ability to blend into the background when frightened." Quantum says, "You're kidding." "Yes, I am -- ha ha ha," Phlox admits. Darn! That would have been awesome -- then Porthos would be safe from Suliban and Ferengi invasions.