Episode Report Card Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT This ain't no safe house
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 16 | Aired on 03.18.2002
Back at CTU, Kiefer escorts Faux-licity and her Karl Lagerfeld baguette purse over to the door on her way to prepare to meet TakeOnKief. Milo takes Kiefer aside and tells him that they found the dead body of HardBoiledWhiteGuy in the men's room of a New Orleans bar. Old news as far as we're concerned. Kiefer asks if there are any leads. Milo says no. Nina enters. "What are you doing here?" asks Kiefer. Nina neglects to tell Kiefer that Bride is onto them, and instead informs Kiefer that she didn't feel she was needed over there anymore. "I specifically asked you to stay to make them feel safe," says Kiefer. Nina lists the security measures in place at the Safe House while, ironically, the screen splits to reveal the Kieferettes on the wild 'n' wacky road trip of their lives.
The chase continues onto one of those steep and windy mountain roads that by law is always the backdrop for a tension-filled car chase. The Kieferettes eventually lose FauxFBIAgent. Bride parks perilously close to the edge of the hill and tells Spawn to "stay right there." Whatever you say, Susan Smith. She gets out and looks around. The KieferetteKar rolls down the hill and bursts into flame…with Spawn inside. Way to spoil the fun, writers. Now I can't hate Spawn anymore because she's dead! Oh, wait. I can. Bride watches the explosion open-mouthed. More tension-building atonal symphonic music with pizzicato violins. Bride faints. The time is 03:47:22 PM.
The time is 3:52:12 PM. Klockwise from the top left, some monument stands there somewhere, Spawn kebabs, and Bride lies prostrate on the ground. Theo is at Griffith Park which, I'm guessing, is also where they filmed the observatory sequence in Rebel Without A Cause. He runs into Kreepy Karl. They have a tense conversation laced with sexual undertones, but what else is new on this show. Theo wants justice. Karl reminds Theo that justice goes both ways, and reminds Theo of that guy he killed. Theo reminds him that it was "an accident," and threatens to go public with everything, which will spell curtains for Kreepy Karl. "You are in way over your head," says Kreepy Karl, informing Theo of the planted evidence at Ferragamo's crispy office. "So I'll be framed for Ferragamo's murder," says Theo. "Whatever it takes," says Karl, explaining that Palmer backed off for the very same reason. Karl exits, and Theo pulls a microcassette recorder out of his pocket. He got the whole conversation on tape. Dun dun dun.