Episode Report Card Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT This ain't no safe house
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 16 | Aired on 03.18.2002
Palmer Suite. Theo enters. Palmer wants to talk to him about recent events. "The pressure is on," says Palmer. "It's testing all of us." Theo insists that everything's okay between the two of them. Palmer tells Theo that it bothers him what Theo said about Ferragamo being there for him. Palmer wants to be there for Theo like Ferragamo was. "I'll always be there," he says. Uh, when? While you're in the White House? Whatever. "Thanks, Dad," says Theo. Oh, and speaking of Ferragamo, his killers are still at large because of all other shit going down with the assassination. Theo is snitty about this. "I need you now, Dad," says Theo. "Not just to talk to me, but to do the right thing." He storms out. Palmer stops him and assures him that he will do the "right thing" -- eventually. "Sure you will," says Theo sarcastically. Uh, Theo? Remember that guy you killed? What's the "right thing" to do in a situation like that? Little shit.
Faux-FBI agent calls FATB from his cell in a parked car to tell him that they found where the Kieferettes are being kept. FATB wants to know how many men are guarding them. FauxFBIAgent assures FATB that he's taken care of everything. And just to let us know that that's the truth, the camera pulls back to reveal a dead CTU guard in the car with FauxFBIAgent. They hang up, and FauxFBIAgent puts his hard hat back on and poses the dead CTU guard a la Weekend At Bernie's. Oh, he killed someone else too. Inside the Safe House, which is getting more and more unsafe by the minute, Bride and Spawn lie in bed together, spooning. The time is 3:23:56 PM.
The time is 3:28:50 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn sleeps, Kiefer types, and a dead CTU guard pushes up daisies. Back at CTU, Kiefer is sitting at a new desk on the floor. Actually, it might as well be Nina's for all we know. Kiefer kan't get access to the "whatever technology," so he asks Milo for help. Milo tells Kiefer that he's been "downgraded" security-wise, then hacks around and circumvents the system so Kiefer has access to everything he needs. "Don't worry," says Milo. "You'll be back up in your office by tomorrow." Kiefer isn't so optimistic. They have a moment. As Milo is walking away, Kiefer calls him back and gives him a heads-up. He's supposed to look for anyone accessing anything suspicious…like a second mole, for instance. Milo agrees to keep his eyes open.
Palmer Suite. Theo is having a heated phone discussion with Kreepy Karl. They arrange to meet face-to-face at the Griffith Park Observatory. During the call, Li'l Lisa Bonet enters. I guess she was gone getting this new haircut…and hopefully some acting lessons. Li'l Lisa wants to know what's going on. Theo assures her that he's only "protecting" her. "Theo!" says Li'l Lisa. "The last time you protected me, someone died." She immediately apologizes for bringing up that painful history. Theo wants to make things right with the whole dead-rapist-and-therapist thing. He asks Nicole to help him by distracting the Secret Service. She does this, and Theo slips out -- ostensibly to grab a cup of coffee -- and sneaks out the back exit.
Back at CTU, more exposition about the DrazenBrothers. Faux-licity enters, escorted by a couple of Secret Service guys. Introductions are made, Kiefer's reputation is praised to the high heavens, and Faux-licity agrees to speak without a lawyer present, so they repair to the Konfrontational Koffee room. "I'll cooperate in anyway I can," says Faux-licity. Xander stares at her crotch right when she says this. Kiefer leaves the room to get Faux-licity some water -- even though this is the coffee room, like, do they have separate rooms for different beverages? -- and Xander asks her about TakeOnKief. Faux-licity says that TakeOnKief told her he ran an "import" business out of Berlin. She shows Xander a diamond bracelet that TOK gave her, which she estimates to be worth $10,000. "It's real," she adds. "Which is a lot more than I can say for him." We are living in a material world, and Faux-licity is a material girl. Kiefer comes back with the water and asks her where she met TOK. Faux-licity answers that she met him in D.C. while out for drinks with some people from the Palmer campaign. "You met him in a bar?" says Xander priggishly. So, Xander, I take it you meet chicks at the public library? But no, Faux-licity needs to explain why she'd be in a bar trolling for guys. Her life has been on hold for a year because of the campaign, and it gets lonely. Uh, yeah, that's my reason for going to bars too…that and the fact that they serve alcohol. But I'd just like to say that I've never met a guy in a bar. No sirree. I just have one monogamous relationship after another, and if I'm not meeting upstanding relationship-oriented men in an art gallery or at the opera, I'm usually getting picked up at my volunteer job reading to the blind or cooking vegetarian meals for homeless AIDS victims. Bars? Ew! What kind of a skank is this Faux-licity woman? No wonder she hooked up with a terrorist. I bet she tongue-kissed him that very night. Hey, Faux-licity is an easy lay. Pass it on. Anyway, Kiefer asks her if she can "keep [her] date" with TOK so that CTU can plant a tracking device on him. Xander, playing good cop, stresses that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. After some reluctance, Faux-licity agrees to do her part for democracy. "If something happened to Senator Palmer that I could have prevented," says Faux-licity, "I would never forgive myself."