Episode Report Card Strega: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Virtual Insanity
By Strega | Season 2 | Episode 15 | Aired on 08.17.2000
Crichton is rolled into another room, where Ma and Pa Crichton are wearing hip 1960s duds and arguing. The camera pitches, rolls, and quite possibly yaws as Pa complains, "You're the one who wanted a child. I wanted a terrier!" Crichton stares up passively as Pa notes, "He can't fetch a ball, he can't get my slippers!" He suddenly tips the baby carriage up, and Crichton is flung out. Ma cries, "Don't hurt my baby!"
Crichton falls. Not onto the floor of the room, but from the top of the parking deck. He screams and flails as he zooms toward the ground.
A police car rolls up to where Crichton has landed all Wile E. Coyote, face-down on the sidewalk. As Crichton starts to get up, the door opens, and we see the driver's feet are encased in red pumps. It's Crais again, still in his cop uniform. And, y'know, the pumps. He draws his sidearm and shouts that Crichton's under arrest. Crichton turns to look as Crais bellows, "You have the right to the remains of a silent attorney! If you cannot afford one, tough noogies! You can make one phone call! I recommend Trixie: 976-Triple 5-LOVE." This is one of those times when you wonder how long it took for everyone to get through the scene without cracking up. Crais asks if Crichton understands his rights, with a "Well, do you, punk?" for good measure. Crichton slowly says, "No." Crais, with no change in tone, shouts, "Then I can't arrest you!" So instead, he slams his car door into Crichton's head.
Crichton's head snaps back, and now he's in the convertible. D'Argo is sitting next to him, and they're parked up on a hilltop with a view of the city. A shooting star blazes through the sky. Heh. D'Argo lisps, "I really need to just unburden myself on you." With some very, shall we say, fey, mannerisms, D'Argo declares that he's been thinking about Crichton in a different way lately. "I was wondering if you would mind participating with me in a little Luxan bonding ritual." Crichton, or possibly Browder, starts laughing as D'Argo explains that they'll need chains, his Qualta Blade, "just a little squirt of Lutra oil, and -- oh, Chiana!" Crichton's surprised by that last item, for some reason. D'Argo coos, "She wants to watch." As D'Argo starts to stroke his neck, Crichton says, "Oh no." D'Argo's voice suddenly drops back to his normal bass as he hisses, "Oh yes!"
Now Crichton is in Zhaan/Cominsky's office. Zhaan is the one stroking his neck, while Ma Crichton looks over the books. Ma is wearing a silk robe over not very much at all, and looks like she's recently escaped from Wisteria Lane. Ma examines one book and says, "The Oedipus Complex? I'm not sure I grasp that concept." She perches on the back of the couch, her stockinged leg against Crichton's shoulder, and asks him to explain it to her. Crichton declines, but Ma is insistent. "I really want to know," she whispers, kneeling down and putting her face inches away from his. Sweat drips from Crichton's nose, which is somehow ookier to me than Ma is. So I'm shallow, sue me. Crichton jerks back and puts his hands over his face.