Episode Report Card M. Giant: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bizarre Love Triangle
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 7 | Aired on 01.30.2005
1:17:13. Kiefer is in the back seat of a CTU-mobile with DoDder, because there was a suicidal driver handy. TerrorTeen is also driving, the opposite of suicidal. And AIIIEEEE!sha is still driving me bazoo. DoDder scootches in close to Kiefer and tries to take his hand. He doesn't appear to be too into it. In fact, he breaks the awkward silence with, "What did you say to Grayadder?" Actually, the silence might have been less awkward. She says she told him she wants a divorce as soon as they get back to D.C. In fact, she said that to Grayadder back in the season premiere before all this happened, but I guess she's been reiterating it in different ways since Grayadder made his big pitch, so I'll allow it. "Are you sure that's what you want?" Kiefer whispers. "Yes," she says. Kiefer quietly says, "Okay." They hold hands and stare blankly out the window. Their joy is infectious. See, Kiefer, this is why you don't get involved with married people. Best-case scenario, they get a divorce, and now you're in a relationship with someone who cheats and abandons their spouse.
At CTU, Lispy Skip is all excited to see that the MacGuffin hasn't completely taken control of all the reactors. Special Agent Breck offers to help him exploit the opening, but all Lispy Skip wants her to do is stay off Hub Five. She's all, jigga-what? She heads right over to AIIIEEEE!sha and confronts her with her lie. AIIIEEEE!sha owns up to the fib right away, and makes up a story about having a personal phone call to make but still wanting to look like she was working. She apologizes, and Special Agent Breck disgustedly leaves without another word because she has to hurry up and go get busy not being on Hub Five. AIIIEEEE!sha thinks back to that "divert suspicion" directive.
1:19:20. The TerrorFolks are driving along in the TerrorMobile, which unfortunately precisely resembles every single other late-model sedan this season. We could use a gay little screaming yellow pickup to liven things up about now, I'm thinking. TerrorDad's cell phone rings. He's got some wacky little device attached to it that looks like R2D2's restraining bolt. "It's Marwan," TerrorDad tells TerrorMom before answering. Turns out Marwan is played by Arnold Vosloo from The Mummy, and he's also got a restraining bolt on his cell phone. Must be a scrambler or something. Too bad the Velveteen-Voiced Hostile didn't have one. He should have been more picky about who he carjacked. ImhoTerror's all well-groomed, in a black suit and black turtleneck, and for some reason he's hanging out in some dingy back room somewhere with some guy who looks like a Middle Eastern Keith Richards. So, on to the actual conversation. ImhoTerror wants to know if TerrorTeen is dead yet. TerrorDad tries to play it cool, but ImhoTerror is all tense about it. "The fact that I'm even talking to you about this is a problem." TerrorDad doesn't take that as a cue to hang up. "The next two hours are crucial," ImhoTerror continues, in case you were planning to skip the episodes between now and the projected meltdowns. "I can't be distracted by this." TerrorDad makes assurances and hangs up. TerrorMom wonders what will happen when ImhoTerror finds out about TerrorTeen killing Wahabist Wolf. I kind of think she's worried about the wrong thing. "I will not be able to look at you after today without thinking about what we did to him," she says. TerrorDad looks at her like, "You're half right."