Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Closers
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 5 | Aired on 01.16.2005
AIIIEEEE!sha realizes it's been over ten minutes since she last irritated someone, so she goes to ask Lispy Skip what a "level-three channel" is. Lispy Skip explains without looking at her that it's a log-on that gets you into "everything." "I want it," AIIIEEEE!sha says. "What do you mean?" Lispy Skip asks. "I want clearance for a level-three channel," she reiterates. And I want a harrier jump jet, but I don't expect Lispy Skip to be able to give me one. Fuck off, Veruca Salt. Lispy Skip, to his credit, tells her almost exactly that, explaining that only Driscoll can authorize the clearance. And furthermore, "Just because you overheard that conversation between Potato Face and me? Doesn't mean I'm your bitch." Since he's called her bluff, she calls the boss. AIIIEEEE!sha makes use of the all-too-user-friendly graphic phone menu on the LCD display to dial the DrisCube. It's worth mentioning that while some of the menu entries have the users' photographs next to them, the one for the DrisCube has a generic silhouette. It's as if CTU's telecom guys know that the office changes hands five or six times a season, so there's no point bothering to connect someone's face to it. Anyway, when Driscoll answers, AIIIEEEE!sha starts to squeal on Lispy Skip (and the fact that she's calling from his extension would probably be something of a giveaway if we were talking about anyone but Driscoll), but before she mentions his name he puts a hand on her forearm and shakes his head fearfully. AIIIEEEE!sha makes up a cover story about why she called, and Driscoll hangs up, apparently without noticing that AIIIEEEE!sha looked off to the side for no apparent reason in the middle of talking. "You're sick," Lispy Skip says with something like admiration. Oh, don't encourage her. AIIIEEEE!sha tells him to tell Driscoll he's overloaded and needs help, and that he needs AIIIEEEE!sha to have a level-three channel clearance. Which I'm sure she'll be ever so anxious to do on Skip's say-so, given the way AIIIEEEE!sha blackmailed her way in here in the first place.
Kiefer's driving along, watching VVH's blip on his dashboard display screen. Over his walkie-talkie, he orders one of the local cops to back off a little so VVH doesn't spot him. I wonder if that was the same cop Kiefer stuck in a cooler less than an hour ago? Kiefer has to take his fun where he can get it, you know. Driscoll rings in with the news that the Marines are on their way. Kiefer tells Driscoll to have Potato Face do something or other with the satellite images, which is when he finds out that Potato Face is all suspended and shit. Kiefer protests, but Driscoll is too pissed at Potato Face. Kiefer reluctantly lets it go. He's got to pick his battles, you know, and sometimes that means leaving a loyal accomplice twisting in the breeze for helping him.
Which reminds Driscoll, at 11:17:38, that she still has Potato Face to deal with. She goes to visit her in the tank. Potato Face knows the score: "Kiefer's indispensable right now and I'm not." Well, of course. That's the first thing they teach you at CTU orientation. Driscoll gives an unrepentant Potato Face grudging props for defying her authority in order to help Kiefer, then offers her a Faustian bargain: Driscoll will get some resignation papers faxed over and Potato Face will sign them. I guess that's not really Faustian. A better word might be "wimpy." Potato Face is surprised at the offer, and its stipulation that she won't be arrested, charged, or otherwise sanctioned. Driscoll does suggest that if Potato Face wants a letter of recommendation she should probably talk to Kiefer instead of her. Potato Face jumps at the offer, which I figure Driscoll is only making because she wants Potato Face out of the building before Kiefer figures out a way to go around Driscoll and get his pet mole reinstated. Or because Mary Lynn Rajskub wants a few weeks off. Either way, Driscoll leaves Potato Face in her cell and goes off to get the paperwork.