Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Closers
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 5 | Aired on 01.16.2005
Suddenly there's the sound of tinny, crap-ass smooth jazz. Whoops. Deaddie's mom recognizes the ring as the sound of Deaddie's phone. "Many, many cell phones sound alike," TerrorDad remarks, which he has to know is completely ridiculous. If he had the courage of his convictions that he expects his son to have, he'd be dragging Deaddie's mom into the house and doing away with her right now. Deaddie's mom recognizes the ring as one that her daughter downloaded specially because it's "one of Deaddie's favorite songs." Figures. She starts to freak out and takes a step forward, but the TerrorFolks are frozen in place inside the door, blocking her path. Suddenly TerrorTeen appears behind them, holding up his phone with a sickly infomercial smile and explaining that it's his phone ringing. He and Deaddie downloaded the same ring when they started going out, he says. So he's not only dumb, he's whipped. Deaddie's mom, while not entirely reassured, apologizes and asks them to call her if they hear from Deaddie. TerrorMom smilingly promises to do so and they close the door. TerrorDad thanks TerrorTeen for saving their bacon by angrily telling him, "I told you not to interfere." TerrorMom rightly points out that TerrorTeen "took care of it." TerrorDad dispatches TerrorMom to follow Deaddie's mom to make sure she doesn't go to the police. I don't know what TerrorMom is supposed to do if Deaddie's mom does go to the cops, but I guess that will have to wait until next week. TerrorDad looks at TerrorTeen, and gives him a grudgingly affectionate smile and face-rub before they get back to the interminable project of shrink-wrapping TerrorTeen's dead, dumb girlfriend with the shitty taste in music.
Kiefer talks to Curtis from the Kiefmobile, less than two minutes from the TerrorDome. They discuss rescue scenarios. Kiefer wants to split the rescue team to make sure they can get both DaD and DoDder, but Curtis tells him that the president has already ordered that their priority is to rescue DaD. I doubt DaD will approve of that. Kiefer doesn't either, obviously. Curtis says he doesn't like it any more than Kiefer does (I bet he likes it a little more), but those are the orders. And also, the TerrorCast is about to start.
At 11:58:02, the Terror AV Club is making final adjustments to lights and cameras while DaD is led onto the "set" by masked terrorists. The CTU folks watch on the big screen as a masked Poor Man's Robert Davi begins yammering. I don't know why anybody was worried about this trial embarrassing the U.S., because Poor Man's Robert Davi really isn't embarrassing anybody but himself. It's the typical boring, overblown, megalomaniacal, pseudo-revolutionary crap, and I don't intend to transcribe a single word of it, except for "of" and "it," and I'm even done with that now.