Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Closers
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 5 | Aired on 01.16.2005
There's some fallout at the TerrorHome right about now. Debbie's body is laid out on an oblong area rug. Getting rid of the body would be a lot easier if they'd kept the bag the rug came in. I read somewhere that those are ideal for transporting teenage girls. TerrorMom and TerrorTeen argue about what happened with Deaddie until they hear a car door slamming outside. TerrorMom runs to the window and spots TerrorDad talking to a neighbor and her barking dog, who clearly knows a terrorist when it sees one. I guess his "meeting" is over. TerrorMom locks the door, then runs to grab a throw pillow and the gun that TerrorTeen never shot Deaddie with. TerrorTeen is confused about why his mom is wasting a bullet on a girlfriend she already killed (which, if I had a nickel…), so TerrorMom says that if TerrorDad doesn't see a bullet wound, he'll ask questions. She doesn't want TerrorDad to know that TerrorTeen failed him again. TerrorMom fires through the pillow and puts a bullet in Deaddie's navel. I think TerrorDad is going to have different questions now. TerrorMom desperately thrusts the gun into TerrorTeen's hand, telling him she loves him but she can't let him destroy everything. TerrorTeen is looking a little weepy. Whether it's because his girlfriend is dead or because his mom is such a shitty crime scene tamperer is unclear.
Finally TerrorDad lets himself into the house. Nobody says a word as they all stare at each other. Slowly he walks over to stand next to TerrorTeen, who is looking down at Deaddie's body with its inexplicably migrating bullet wound just below the sternum. The feather sticking out of it is a nice touch, though. "I know this was difficult for you," TerrorDad commiserates, "but it was necessary." I only hope I can help my son through times like this when he old enough to date idiots that my wife has to poison. TerrorMom comes up with the plan to dispose of the body and the DeaddieMobile in their driveway, and she and TerrorDad decide to give TerrorTeen and his young lady a little alone time. He kneels over the body and strokes her hair. Suddenly this tinny, crap-ass, totally inappropriate smooth jazz tune invades the scene. TerrorTeen reaches into Deaddie's pants pocket. Wow, that jazz is smooth indeed. Oh, he's just getting her cell phone, which is where the music is coming from. Nice cell phone ring, Deaddie. Way to keep annoying us from beyond the grave. The phone display says the call is from "Mom," and it's a 310 area code, which is odd because that's a coastal number and VVH has been leading Kiefer inland for the past three episodes. According to the boards, the number belongs to someone at the 24 offices or something. Which is fun, I suppose, but the right thing to do would have been to make that person move to the proper area code.
Back at CTU, AIIIEEEE!sha is busily working away at her computer. She must be feverish. Lispy Skip also notices the anomaly, and asks if they're even now that Driscoll gave AIIIEEEE!sha her level-three clearance. That's a scene I would have liked to see. AIIIEEEE!sha doesn't answer. Across the floor, Curtis notices Lispy Skip standing over her chair with his hand on her seat back and figures something's up. Smart man, Curtis. That might explain why he's lived this long. Lispy Skip, on the other hand, hasn't realized that now that AIIIEEEE!sha has conspicuously foregone a chance to rat him out to the boss, she can't exactly go back to Driscoll with her story now without Driscoll asking why she didn't mention it before. Skip asks AIIIEEEE!sha why she needs the clearance anyway. She says, "You may be happy tapping away at a keyboard for the rest of your life, but I'm not." Hey! AIIIEEEE!sha sees an opportunity to get ahead and she plans to use it. By pissing everyone off? Apparently the writers learned everything they need to know about African-American women by watching The Apprentice.