Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Shanghaied!
By M. Giant | Season 5 | Episode 24 | Aired on 05.21.2006
Back at the printing facility, Audrey's gotten bored with waiting for Kiefer to finish talking to Spawn, so she steps into the office, calling his name. The room is empty now, of course, and the phone handset is hanging from its cord, making that harsh off-the-hook beeping noise that really should have stopped several minutes ago. To her credit, she figures it out right away and bangs right out through the door to tell the agent in charge that Kiefer's missing. The agent immediately gets on his shirt-cuff to order a search, while Audrey scans the street, looking panicked, wondering where Kiefer could be. I have a theory. Let's test it, shall we?
Kiefer is somewhere very, very, dark. Looking beat all to hell, he's dragged into a slightly less dark place. It's a dank, cavernous room with a wet floor and chains hanging from the ceiling, otherwise empty except for two suited men standing with their backs to us. Kiefer's attackers dump him on the floor, and take off their ski masks. Like the agent who told Kiefer where to take the call, they're Asian, although these bewhiskered longhairs look like they were sent over by Tong Central Casting. Kiefer lies on the floor, half-conscious, his shirt ripped open and his face looking like he fell asleep on the railroad tracks. The two men in the room turn and walk towards him, and one of them is quite familiar. You may remember him from last season; it's the head of security at the Chinese Consulate in Los Angeles, the gentleman who so doggedly investigated and uncovered Kiefer's role in the death of the Chinese Consulate. And I don't think he wants to swap recipes.
One of the thugs lifts Kiefer's head up off the floor to face the boss. Consulate Cop reminds Kiefer about how "You invaded our territory and killed our Consul." Kiefer doesn't bother pointing out that the Consul was killed by friendly fire, but of course he even knew at the time that the Chinese wouldn't care. "Did you really think that we would forget?" Consulate Cop demands. Kiefer rasps, "I know how this works." And yet he begs to be allowed to make one phone call. Consulate Cop leans over him, smiling, either letting his prisoner hang on his answer or admiring the impressive prosthetic work that makes it look like Kiefer came within a hair of losing his left eye. The moment stretches out, and Kiefer finally spits. Consulate Cop's smile vanishes, and he gestures for Kiefer to be dropped roughly to the ground. Kiefer in turn manages to muster the energy to ask Consulate Cop to kill him. Consulate Cop doesn't think so: "You're far too valuable to kill, Mr. Bauer," he says, and leaves the room. Kiefer is left lying on the floor, looking through his one unswollen eye at the four men standing over him threateningly, one at each corner. I hope to God they just want to play bridge, he thinks.
A horn blows, and we see the roof of wherever Kiefer's being held. The camera pans over a helipad, and railings, and a big orange lifeboat hanging from a davit -- uh-oh -- and, yeah. It's bad. Kiefer's on board the Shangai, a huge Chinese cargo ship that's already steaming across the Pacific. No wonder he looks like that; they must have stuffed him into his own man-purse to sneak him through port security that quickly. And once again, it's 7:00:00.