Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Shanghaied!
By M. Giant | Season 5 | Episode 24 | Aired on 05.21.2006
The real copilot doffs his giant helmet as he enters the outbuilding. He picks up the desk phone to talk to his boss, but of course there's no one there. Was that Kiefer's idea? That certainly isn't very nice of him, to make someone think they're getting a phone call when they're really not. I certainly hope the karma from that doesn't come around and bite him in the ass in about thirty-five minutes. The copilot looks around and is surprised to see Aaron, thinking he'd been transferred out. Before he can get more than a few words into his packet story, a flight-suited Kiefer appears behind him and locks him in a sleeper hold. The copilot is unconscious in seconds. Wow, not only pulling the phone scam, but then knocking him out? How would Kiefer like it if someone were to pull that on him in about thirty-four-and-a-half minutes? Aaron hands Kiefer his papers and says of the copilot, "Don't worry about him." Thanks, Aaron. I'm pretty sure he wasn't, given the fact that he's already putting on the copilot's helmet and heading out the door. I think he's got the man-purse hidden in a regulation flight bag, which he's carrying with him.
Kiefer makes the long walk across the lawn to the helicopter, and I must say that that white helmet looks absolutely ginormous on him. He looks like a golf tee. To make himself even more conspicuous, he lowers the eyeshade, even though the sky is still pitch black. That's our Kiefer: putting the "secret" in "secret agent" since 2001. He hops into the chopper, saying that the other copilot has been relieved. "Ron Franklin," he says. "Here's my protocol." The pilot doesn't seem to find anything amiss about a crew replacement just minutes before the President is about to board, and a damned sketchy-acting replacement at that. It's 6:06:04 as the President's motorcade -- motorcade, for a hundred-yard walk, and never let me hear Logan use the impending energy crisis as an excuse for anything ever again -- pulls up next to the fence. Everyone gets out of the respective cars, and while Logan is busy giving his speechwriter notes on the address, Novick quietly tells FLOTUS that Kiefer's on the helicopter. Which means it would probably be a good idea for her to stay on the ground. So she goes up to her husband and says she doesn't want to leave without her meds. Logan says they'll send someone back for it (don't forget to give them a broom and dustpan), but she says she'll catch up. And then, just to really sell it, she fills his head with the idea of his making an historic image after the day's events just by getting off a helicopter alone. Weak as this is, that kind of crap is totally catnip to Logan, so he jumps at her offer, smiling gratefully. "Don't be far behind me, now," he coaxes. Flanked by two Secret Service agents, he heads off towards the helicopter, which is just now starting up. FLOTUS watches him walk off to an uncertain fate, wondering what she's just done. Logan and his detail climb aboard and buckle themselves in, and Logan signals to the pilot to lift off. Which he does. Kiefer just sits in the copilot seat, wearing his sunglasses at night. Novick and FLOTUS exchange a look, but don't say anything.
Up in the air, Kiefer does something with the overhead control panel, so as not to look like too much of a passenger. Or maybe he's just shutting off his helmet radio. In back, Logan pulls out his pen to start marking up his speech. Over the roar of the rotors, Kiefer somehow manages to say in a low growl, "Captain." The pilot looks over and sees that Kiefer's pointing a gun at him. Kiefer's getting way too good at this hijacking thing. Kiefer lays it out for the pilot: "I can fly this thing if I have to, which leaves you one of two choices: you either do what I say and you live, or you don't and you die for nothing." The pilot seems to prefer the first option. Kiefer instructs the pilot to disconnect his helmet from the communications, then rip out the mike cable and take it off the helmet entirely. The pilot complies, knowing he's so fired. Before getting up and heading aft, Kiefer threatens, "I'll know if you deviate from your flight plan." Because he's got a gyroscope up his ass or something. He enters the passenger cabin, saying, "Mr. President, I have a message for you from the White House." And then he tasers both Secret Service guards into unconsciousness. The second guard has the slowest reaction time of any Presidential bodyguard since Lincoln's, because he never even draws before Kiefer zaps him. Isn't it awesome how every time Kiefer enters the Presidential presence, someone gets assaulted? Kiefer tosses a pair of handcuffs to a terrified and confused Logan, telling him to put them on. And then Kiefer removes his helmet. "You!" Logan says in horror. Instead of answering "Me," all Agent Smith, Kiefer raises Chloe on comm to tell her he's "with" the President. She responds that Morris is on his way with "the equipment," and she gives Kiefer directions to an abandoned printing factory where he can take Logan. Kiefer relays the directions to the pilot, and then he and Chloe are done talking. In fact, Kiefer's done talking to anyone for a while, even as Logan starts yammering at him. "Are you going to kill me?" Logan asks, a bit mockingly. Kiefer is not mocked; he just stares blankly at him as Logan continues to chatter about how he understands Kiefer's desire for revenge, but that he didn't want "bad things" to happen. "I have always acted in the country's best interests. But you're just trying to get even." So, to review: Logan good, Kiefer bad. He even tries falling back on his old argument about how Kiefer's present actions will further traumatize the American people. Then he gets frustrated with Kiefer's silence: "Dammit, Bauer, say something!" That's not a Presidential order that Kiefer seems inclined to obey.