Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Day. The Maaaaaagic. Died.
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.15.2003
Up in the foyer, Raige catches J.P. sneaking up the stairs. J.P. conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death that promptly fizzles out on his palm. "I was afraid of that," he pouts. Ever the resourceful one, J.P. instead barrels down towards Raige, arms extended. He latches onto her throat, and the two tussle as the scene cuts upstairs to the Bridal Boudoir, where Piper's watching Passions on the much-abused mini TV from the kitchen. "Tonight," Juliet Mills overacts deliciously, "Tabitha is going to get her revenge! On all of Harmony!" According to the closed captioning, Ms. Mills then "[cackles wickedly]." Hee! Were it not for J.P. Manoux, that clip would have been the highlight of the episode. Piper snots an unfunny about Tabitha's spell not working as written as the sounds of Raige's struggle rise up from the floor below. The Dolt makes with the excuses and scampers off to find out what's going on. Piper clenches.
Downstairs, J.P. flips Raige onto her back, then hoists the marble top from the entrance table above his head, ready to brain her with the thing. Phoebe appears in the dining room with a butcher knife, which she promptly hurls end over end into J.P.'s chest. J.P. staggers backwards a bit, still holding the tabletop in the air, and bleats, "My name will haunt you to your grave!" He then falls straight back out of the frame to drop dead on the floor. Heh. Dork. As she assists Raige from the carpet, Phoebe asks, "What was his name again?" Raige, with the expected answer, shrugs, "I don't remember." Wah. Wah. Waaaaaah. J.P.? Fire your agent.
The Dolt flies down the stairs for a quick processing summit as J.P. leaks split-pea soup onto the floorboards from the gaping wound in his chest. The Dolt wonders why J.P. failed to erupt in a gout of flame, as is a demon's wont once he's been kebabbed by a Glamorous Lady. Raige gives her dimwit in-law the skinny on the whole fizzling FBOD thing from earlier. The Dolt then mentions that the charge who phoned had lost her powers as well, and the three realize that all of the magic -- good and evil -- has somehow been drained from the world. Before they get any further with this absolutely gripping conversation, however, the doorbell rings, heralding the arrival of Daddy Dearest. The Dolt darts off to deal with the stupid fucking unicorn, which is now in the dining room, munching on the centerpiece. Phoebe and Raige stow poor dead J.P.'s body in the closet and cross to the front door. Awaiting them on the porch are Daddy Dearest and his new bride, the stunt-cast-for-sweeps Cheryl Ladd. "I'd like you to meet Doris!" Daddy Dearest booms. "She's your new stepmother!" "Hi!" perks Cheryl, and sweet Christ on a stick, but that's a crappy shagged wig they've taped to her scalp. And that would be "shagged" as in "shagged backwards through a wall," by the way. Is she bald now? She must be. Either that, or she's sporting some hideous bright-red scars from her latest facelift, because there's no other excuse for the horror atop her head at this moment. While I natter on swinishly about this perfectly respectable fifty-two-year-old woman's appearance -- ain't it a bitch when the Angels age? -- Phoebe busies herself with some jaw-dropping while Raige wrinkles her nose all, "What's with this 'stepmother' shit, asshole?" before we're all rather unceremoniously slung into the commercial break.