Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Day. The Maaaaaagic. Died.
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.15.2003
Up in the Bridal Boudoir, Cheryl Ladd's extra-special sweeps-event guest appearance continues to suck. She and Daddy Dearest blither on about homeopathic remedies and low-fat diets and weekly colonics and middle-aged sex, and Piper's just as annoyed with it all as I am. Cheryl's also unwrapping the gift basket she brought to the Manor, and asks Daddy Dearest to fetch her a knife from the kitchen for the cheese. Meanwhile, I'm so bored I can't even muster the strength to insert an appropriate "cheese" joke at this juncture. Phoebe enters to raid Piper's bathroom for hairspray -- eco-conscious Feebs avoids the aerosol cans, don't you know, but Piper's an ozone-destroying whore -- and after even more inappropriate sex talk from Miss Ladd, we head to the attic. There, Raige and the Dolt have whipped up some good old-fashioned God-fearing Michigan-Militia-brand explosives using a bottle of hand lotion and some cayenne pepper. There was more to it than that, I'm sure, but we must protect the children. Because blowjobs from shape-shifting lap dancers are age-appropriate for the thirteen-and-under set, but learning how to make pipe bombs is a great big primetime no-no. Phoebe arrives on the scene to arm herself with various goodies, and it's back to the Bridal Boudoir, where Cheryl's finishing up a Cosmo sex quiz while seated on Daddy Dearest's lap, like, WE GET IT, WE GOT IT THREE SCENES AGO, and COULD SHE NOW BECOME EVIL, PLEASE? Well, more evil than she already is in that wig.
Out in the hallway, Phoebe, Raige, and the Dolt slink down from the attic as Piper arranges herself on her bed in a furious snit. She orders her husband into the Boudoir for a private conference. The Dolt meekly obeys as Phoebe and Raige silently slink away to meet Frère Flatbush & Friends at "Manny's Pizzeria." The Dolt politely asks Daddy Dearest and Cheryl Ladd for some alone time with the wife, and they agreeably exit the room. Once they've left, the Dolt eases the door shut and explains the evening's events to Piper thusly: "It's really nothing to worry about -- magic has disappeared from the world, and Phoebe and [Raige] went to a summit meeting with evil so they can fix it." Piper gapes, hoots, grits her teeth, and deploys her Hands Of Discontent, intent on vanquishing her husband's sorry -- albeit massive -- ass. When the Dolt fails to explode in a great spray of orbing Dolt bits, he makes "See? I told you so" noises as the camera pulls in tightly on Piper's horrified face. "My water just broke!" she gasps. DUN! All over the bed? So much for that mattress. And I bet they just bought it, too. Things like this never happen on the old, sprung mattresses, do they? Though better it should break in the Manor than elsewhere. My sister's broke while she was on the "Five Items Or Less" line to buy milk at the A&P, and my grandmother's broke on a Brooklyn trolley car. That had to have sucked. I mean, honestly. Can you imagine? Damn!