Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Day. The Maaaaaagic. Died.
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.15.2003
Now, let's see. Where was I? Oh, yeah: Frère Flatbush orders J.P. to off the Glamorous Ladies. J.P. eagerly accepts the assignment. Goofball. Scene.
Manor, the following morning. Up in the Bridal Boudoir, Phoebe and Raige agree to pamper Piper for the remainder of her confinement, then head downstairs to greet Piper and the Dolt upon their return from the hospital. Pointless medical chatter follows before the gang's interrupted by a gaggle of golden gift geese invading the dining room from the kitchen. The Dolt escorts Piper upstairs while Phoebe and Raige deal with the birds. The two shoo the "little flockers" -- Raige's term, not mine -- back into the kitchen, where birds and birdbrains alike discover a unicorn grazing away on a box of Special K at the center island.
A frigging unicorn.
A year and a half ago, Shannen Doherty set off a minor war of words when, post-firing, she claimed she left Charmed because her "best work" was being "wasted on twelve-year-old girls." Of course, the network pitched a fit, and has since taken every opportunity to mock Doherty's dismissive, condescending assessment of the network's audience in general, and of the particular demographic the WB refuses to admit is its prime target. Apologies for another foray into my dim, nearly-forgotten past as a theater major, but when I played the sociopathic little girl in Cloud 9, I insisted my sweatshirt feature a prominent, puffy unicorn prancing across a rainbow, because prominent, puffy unicorns prancing across rainbows are the very symbol of everything that is wrong with the preadolescent female psyche. And now, grazing in the Manor kitchen? A fucking unicorn. Since the network suits have thus pandered so blatantly to the very audience segment Doherty found tiresome, I do hope they'll dispense with both the hypocrisy and the seemingly obligatory Shannen bashing at this spring's up-fronts.
Artistically bankrupt assholes. A fucking unicorn. Jesus.
ANY-way. Raige is stoked, Phoebe is shocked, and I'm vomiting. Phoebe insists Raige orb the fucking unicorn out of there before Piper finds out and spontaneously expels the percolating infant from her womb. Raige protests, citing the fucking unicorn's supposed super-fabulous magical abilities, but eventually complies. Just as she's about to dissolve into a glowy little cloud, however, her power blinks out. Raige suggests that she hasn't the supernatural strength to orb the fucking unicorn away from the Manor after all, so Phoebe ad-libs the following spell: