Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Day. The Maaaaaagic. Died.
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.15.2003
"Charmed: Special Delivery." "Special" as in "education," I'm sure. I must admit, I was beset with an overwhelming sense of dread the second I realized this evening's teaser narration featured not The Velvety Voice Of The WB, but rather the "wacky" and "fun-loving" simp who normally introduces tedious and insulting Thursday-night crap like Off Centre and The Jamie Kennedy Experiment. Were I not contractually obliged to watch what followed, I'd have switched off the television right then and there and fled my apartment for a beer. Or five. Just so you know.
Manor. Night. Raige drifts through the sun porch with a long knit scarf wound 'round her neck, opens the doors to that spacious garden set we haven't seen in over a year, and already I have a problem with this episode. What's with the panoramic view of the city in the background? A mere two weeks ago, we saw that the Manor lot backed up against an imposing wall of towering pine trees. Rrrgh. I don't know why I bother, and God knows there are plenty of other things in this episode just waiting to piss me off, so maybe I should just keep this moving, right? Right. Raige strolls down the flagstones to the end of the patio, where Piper and Phoebe have curled themselves up on a pair of deck chairs to marvel at the shimmering green aurora borealis overhead. Piper's clad in that shearling-lined denim jacket of hers over a sky-blue turtleneck, with her legs and pregnancy pad encased in a matching plaid wool blanket. Phoebe's sporting a stripey, fringed, red-white-and-rust poncho with a dumpy floral-appliquéd bucket hat. Sigh. "It's like magic and science and fairy tales all rolled up into one!" burbles the Feebs. Your outfit? Not hardly, you nitwit. Oh, my bad -- she's talking about the aurora. We get a glimpse of the phenomenon in question, and I've a sneaking suspicion they recycled this footage from that dreadful Dawson's Creek episode last season. "Actually," buzzkills Raige, glancing at the sky, "it's ions speeding into the Earth's magnetic field, and then they collide with air molecules." Piper smirks as Raige plants herself in the chair to Piper's right and idly wonders, "Do you guys think it's weird that the aurora borealis is happening the night before the Wiccan Festival of Lights?" No, Raige, but run this up your flagpole and see who barks like a dog: Wiccan Hanukkah falls on February 2nd in the northern hemisphere, and yet not only are you gals dressed more for an autumn garden party than a bitter mid-winter night, but every freaking flower in your improbable backyard is in bloom. Why? Go ahead -- riddle me that, Batgirl.
Whatever. The gals natter about the percolating infant and its detrimental effects on Piper's physical well-being for a bit before an enormous white goose squats on the garden path to pinch off a gold-toned egg. Piper snits that the "magical community" should get together and brainstorm a few new gift ideas, as this is the third damn goose the Glamorous Ladies have received for the percolating infant in the last week. The goose flaps and squawks back into the sun porch as Raige rises to retrieve the egg, joking that she could fashion quite the set of dazzling accessories from all the golden goose droppings currently littering the Manor. Piper sneers that Raige will do no such thing, then frets about wrangling the geese out of the house, for Daddy Dearest intends to drop by the Manor the following afternoon. "He does get very Darrin Stephens about our whole magic thing," Phoebe agrees. Meanwhile, the Dolt stalks onto the sun porch from the dining room to take a flying leap at the bird. The gals giggle when the sly waterfowl honks out of the way, leaving the Dolt to crash to the floor. I'd snicker as well, if I weren't so busy wondering why the moron doesn't just orb around to catch the fucking thing. Kidding. I don't think it would be possible for me to care less about the Dolt and his goose-gathering techniques. The Dolt mopily collects himself from the floor and lopes out into the garden just as the ever-useless Elders ring his bell. Piper pushes herself to her feet and instructs the husband to keep it down when he gets back from Whitelighterland, because she's heading off to bed. She groans suddenly as the shot shifts to her blurry POV of Raige and the Dolt. Piper wobbles unsteadily for a moment, then crashes back, swooning, into her chair. The Dolt scampers over to apply the tingly touch, but nothing happens. Phoebe, panicked, insists that they take Piper to the hospital immediately, so the three conscious Manor residents lug Piper out of the frame into the opening credits. So much for the percolating infant's supernatural ability to heal its host at will. Two and a half minutes in, and this episode already blows.