Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Day. The Maaaaaagic. Died.
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.15.2003
Manny's. In case you were wondering where Manny himself has been during the ruckus, the demons shoved him into the pizza oven before Phoebe and Raige arrived. Of course, we didn't get to see that -- that would have been interesting, and we must protect the children from all things interesting so the pretty, pretty unicorns can prance across the rainbows while the shape-shifting bimbos give blowjobs to the kinky ex-husbands. Or something like that. Phoebe and Raige handcuff the grievously injured Merrill to an overturned table and grill him on the disappearance of magic. He reveals that "centuries ago, [he] unearthed a quatrain from the tomb of a wise apothecary," and if I wanted to see those goddamned Potter flicks, I'd have gone to the goddamned theater like everybody else, but I didn't want to see them so I avoided those particular theaters, and I'd appreciate it if you would KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE HALF-ASSED WIZARD SHIT ALREADY.
Ahem.
The quatrain in question goes something like this:
When three planets burn as one
Over a sky of dancing light,
Then magic will rest on a holy day
To welcome a twice-blessed child.
Were I Raige, I'd be pretty pissed that my birth wasn't special enough suck all of the magic out of the world. Of course, Finola wasn't a Charmed One, but whatever. Poor Raige has so many issues. Maybe that's why she dyed her hair. In any event, Raige and the Feebs slowly realize that the prophecy refers to the percolating infant, and hoof it back to the Manor.
Speaking of the percolating infant, it's about to pop. Wicked Cheryl props the pained Piper on a couple of pillows as an unseen gentleman slides into the upstairs hallway. "[Dolt]," Piper breathes. "Finally." Not so fast, sweetpea. It's Frère Flatbush, of course, come with an old-timey medical bag to hack the percolating infant from Piper's pregnancy pad, or something. Piper gapes in terror at Wicked Cheryl, who smiles sweetly in return. "Just relax," Frère Flatbush mellowly instructs. "Breathe," he continues, crossing back to the bedroom door. "Push," he sneers, slamming the door in the audience's face as the screen cuts to black.
After the final set of commercials, we fade back up on the Bridal Boudoir, where Wicked Cheryl reports that Piper's "fully effaced and dilated." Before I can figure out what, if anything, is wrong with that phrase, we head down to the kitchen, where Phoebe and Raige barrel through the back door in time to hear Piper shriek in agony. Phoebe starts for the stairs, but Raige holds her back, claiming that Frère Flatbush won't hurt Piper until after she's popped the percolating infant. Phoebe frets about the welfare of her deadbeat dad -- what if he's still up there, perhaps bleeding out all over one of Grams's priceless antique Persian carpets? "There's only one way to save him," Raige avers, leading the Feebs by the hand to the basement.