Episode Report Card Erin: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Box, Part II
By Erin | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.09.2002
Sydney's back at the trigger. She hears Shovelhead asking the guy whose ass Sydney just kicked for a status update. She races down a hallway and rips duct tape off the downed dude's mouth, instructing him to tell Shovelhead that everything's cool. He basically tells her to fuck off. "I'm disappointed," she says, and elbows him across the face. Guess she didn't like his answer. Wish I could do that to my ex-boyfriend. Life would be SO much easier if I could just nail him one every time he gave me an answer I didn't like. Of course, he'd probably resemble a lumpy piece of two-week-old rancid meatloaf by now, but that's not really important now, is it?
And now for something completely different…The Drunk And Annoying Will Show! Francie's sitting at a table, smiling at a bunch of little paper tables. She's either creating a new environment for her Weebles family, or she's figuring out the seating for her upcoming nuptials. There's some ragged knocking at the door (yes, I'm projecting) and Francie goes to answer it. Willage Idiot enters and drunkenly informs her that being a reporter sucks. No, Will. Being you sucks; being a reporter has nothing to do with it. Francie asks what he's been drinking. Apparently, Won't is simply hammered, because he can only remember that he was drinking something with a horse or a dog on the bottle. The hell? What kind of liquor comes with a picture of a horse or a dog on the bottle? I mean, I know there's a dog on the Red Dog beer bottles but really, does anyone in their right mind drink that swill? Are there hard liquors out there with pictures of livestock or barnyard animals on the bottles of which I'm not aware? You know what? I've already wasted too much time on this stupid-ass Will storyline. Next scene.
Yes, of course I'm kidding. Calm down. Willage stumbles over to the Weebles Environment table and mentions again that his life sucks. Shut up, Will. Francie's all, look at my seating arrangement for the wedding. Willage is all, your life is so normal, Sydney's life is so normal, well, kinda normal, except for that whole obsessed-with-the-bank thing, but my life, MY LIFE is so not normal, like this story I'm working on -- DUDE. SHUT UP. Oh. My. God. I'd rather see Shovelhead lay a sloppy wet one on the WCAC ten thousand more times than listen to you spew on and on about your stupid fucking STORY. SHUT UP. Unfortunately, he doesn't. He keeps beerily sploshing his guts all over Francie, who is totally tuning him out and thinking about flower arrangements and reception halls. Remember the "secret voice" that Willage Idiot's been talking to all this time? I am SO sure that old Deep Throat would dig the fact that Hairball here is unloading his entire super-secret storyline to sweet little Francie. Nice going, Ruprecht. Why don't you just grab a butcher knife and slit her pretty throat while you're at it? God, he's such a colonoscopy. This scene? So over. Just go to the docks and check out Pier 19, and leave us in peace, you rotting piece of headcheese!
WCAC is diligently working on the vault code when Shovelhead makes a rare appearance. He wants to know where the guy whose ass Sydney kicked has gotten to. Dude. Sydney kicked his ass. Don't you pay attention? WCAC doesn't know. This displeases The Great And Powerful Shovelhead, who starts to angrily circle the room and flap his arms like a Russian figure skater on acid. WCAC tries to calm him down by repeating that they have five out of twelve numbers. She then runs off to find the missing FLC. "Who is more tough-ass den you?" shouts Shovelhead after her. "Who? Nobody, bay-bee!" Gah. Gaaaaah. Yes. Those are the sounds of me spewing chunks. Man, he is just gross.