Episode Report Card M. Giant: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Let's Give The Boy A Hand
By M. Giant | Season 3 | Episode 24 | Aired on 05.24.2004
12:37:57. Palmer's already off the phone with his newly-orphaned children, CTU agents stalk the halls of the middle school, Bitchelle looks pensive, and Soul Patch does his job for the last time. Kiefer stalks the halls of the school. He swings around a doorway, gun out and pointing into a room -- full of students and their teacher. Those don't look like middle-school students to me, by the way. Unless it's one of those special middle schools for gifted and talented eight-year-olds. Kiefer gives a sheepish wave and continues on his way. Special Agent Charlie Brown investigates a storage room. The room is in disarray, and could use an orderly hand. Kiefer moves through the teacher's lounge. There's a refrigerator in there with a big glass door, which might be convenient for some purpose at some point.
Special Agent Charlie Brown searches the chemistry lab, gun in hand. It's 12:39:04. A fish tank bubbles behind him. Special Agent Charlie Brown whirls, because Wild Card might be hiding in there. While he's investigating further, Wild Card attacks Special Agent Charlie Brown from behind a bench, disarming him in the process. Special Agent Charlie Brown returns the favor. Fisticuffs! Breaking glass! Wild Card making Special Agent Charlie Brown his bitch! Kiefer calls Special Agent Charlie Brown on the earpiece to tell him the second floor is clear, but doesn't get an answer. Special Agent Charlie Brown is too busy getting his ass handed to him on the third floor. But he does find a moment during his crunchy beating to hurl the backpack out of Wild Card's reach. Let's hope that vial's well protected. The machine that disperses the virus -- the Virus-O-Matic, I'll call it -- has spilled out of the bag, but the vial appears intact. They struggle towards it, dragging themselves across the broken glass on the floor, each trying to hold the other back. This is not an Adam West Batman fight we're seeing. It's brutal and desperate. Wild Card climbs over Special Agent Charlie Brown and stomps on his wounded hand. Oh, ouch. There are elbows to thoraxes and feet to groins, and Special Agent Charlie Brown kicks Wild Card away and reaches the Virus-O-Matic first. He lies on top of it. Wild Card comes over and puts him out of action with a vicious kick to the gut. Wild Card grabs the Virus-O-Matic, but he's not going anywhere with it; it's attached to Special Agent Charlie Brown's arm via a built-in clamp. For the record, it's the arm that's attached to the wounded hand. Or, I should say, it's attached to it at the moment. This is when I appreciate the fact that we saw that clamp on other devices last week, as in the ones attached to railings and so forth. Wild Card's ostentatiously frustrated at being thwarted, but he rallies quickly and activates the timer on the Virus-O-Matic. I guess he realized his options are limited so he's just doing his best and hoping for the worst. He picks up Special Agent Charlie Brown's gun and prepares to shoot him. But Kiefer appears just in time and shoots Wild Card first. Five times. Five times, I said. Wild Card goes down, as is sporting when one is shot five times.
Kiefer moves to help his wounded partner, and sees that the Virus-O-Matic has been armed in more ways than one. Special Agent Charlie Brown confesses that it was the only way he could keep Wild Card from escaping with the virus. And his lunch money. Kiefer starts trying to remove the clamp, but Special Agent Charlie Brown tells him not to bother; Wild Card didn't even try to remove it, which tells him it's not coming off. Kiefer calls up Soul Patch on his magic earpiece to tell him they've found the virus and the Virus-O-Matic is armed. Soul Patch wants Kiefer to put the device in an airtight container, but Kiefer says that that isn't going to be possible, what with the Virus-O-Matic being attached to his right-hand man and all. That's what you call burying the lede, I believe. There's not even a timer, so Kiefer has no idea how much time they have. He wants to talk to someone who has already defused another Virus-O-Matic immediately. Soul Patch promises to make it happen pronto. While they're waiting for the call back, Special Agent Charlie Brown begins the "Tell Spawn for me…" speech that is required by law in situations like this, and Kiefer comes back with the equally mandated "Tell her yourself." As this is going on, Kiefer helps Special Agent Charlie Brown to a bench where he can work on the Virus-O-Matic. Soul Patch calls back as Kiefer roots through the drawers for the bomb-defusing kit that every middle-school science lab has on hand. I'm curious as to how this would have played out had Special Agent Charlie Brown been attached to the virus in the English department, but we'll never know. Anyway, Soul Patch has found someone who can help Kiefer, and he patches them through. Kiefer tells Virus-O-Matician what's up, and that he needs to either disarm the device or remove the clamp. Unless someone hands him a third option, of course. Since the clamp is titanium, defusing is the way to go. Virus-O-Matician talks Kiefer through opening the access panel. Ah, there's the timer. And it's counting down from three minutes, fifty-one seconds. Virus-O-Matician has Kiefer cut the red wire. Oh, no! The timer's still running! And it's down to 3:08!