Episode Report Card M. Giant: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Let's Give The Boy A Hand
By M. Giant | Season 3 | Episode 24 | Aired on 05.24.2004
Virus-O-Matician assures Kiefer that it'll stop after he cuts the next wire. Bullshit scare. Virus-O-Matician tells Kiefer to cut the green wire. Except there's no green wire. Bullshit bullshit scare! Excellent! Kiefer's only got orange, yellow, black, and purple wires. Virus-O-Matician says he'll have to call back, and Kiefer shouldn't cut any more wires until then. Since the timer's at 2:28, I hope he gives better service than my cable company. Special Agent Charlie Brown tells Kiefer to go. Kiefer's not going anywhere without his partner. Aw. Let's give Kiefer a hand for his bravery and loyalty. On the other hand, it may not come to that; he looks behind Charlie Brown and spots a fire axe on the far wall. Special Agent Charlie Brown follows his gaze and has the same thought: who would put an axe in such an accessible spot in a middle school? Special Agent Charlie Brown swallows his puke, then tells Kiefer to "do it." Do what? The lab is pretty well trashed already, and there's only 1:45 left on the timer. Oh, I guess that's not what he means. Kiefer insists that Virus-O-Matician will call back. Special Agent Charlie Brown says it's okay. They have a moment. The tender music tells us that Special Agent Charlie Brown wouldn't trust just anyone to cut off his hand with an axe, but Kiefer is special. The timer reads 1:23. Kiefer fights back tears and goes for the axe. Special Agent Charlie Brown removes his belt. His own, not Kiefer's. Sorry. Special Agent Charlie Brown uses the belt to tourniquet his arm, grasping the end between his teeth and grunting theatrically. Kiefer watches, axe in hand, then steps up and rests the blade on Special Agent Charlie Brown's wrist. He raises the axe and hacks off the hand above the clamp. The background music: "DAAAAAH! DAAAAAAH! DA DAAAAH! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THIS, MOTHERFUCKERS?!?! DAAAAAH DAAAAAAH DAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Special Agent Charlie Brown screams and passes out, his hopes of becoming a concert pianist permanently dashed. It's 12:46:14.
Kiefer runs through the hallway with the virus, demanding immediate medical attention for Special Agent Charlie Brown over his comm link. There are 19 seconds left. Kiefer rushes back into the teacher's lounge and pops the Virus-O-Matic into the glass-doored refrigerator. Kiefer steps back and watches as the vial pops harmlessly. Well, not entirely harmlessly. I think a few teachers are going to go hungry today. It's 12:47:09. I still don't see why Kiefer had to cut off Special Agent Charlie Brown's hand; he could have stuffed him in the fridge if he'd taken the shelves out first.