Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 29 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT The Ordeal Of Cold Water
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 9 | Aired on 08.06.2013
Jenna: "Are you or are you not under my sexual spell?"Shana: "-- Yep, let's go."
Spencer: "Wait, don't go!"
B-Girls: "Outta the way, Spencer. Unless you're gonna cut to the chase."
Spencer: "Yep. The Full Spencer. My only plan, ever."
"I heard you talking about Alison at school today! I know exactly how you feel about me! But Ali was my best friend! So if you know anything about her, you have to tell me!"
6 out of 10. Jenna easily evades it. "Uh, I don't 'have' to tell you anything..."
Suddenly there is a stampede for birthday cake, and Jenna and Shana get separated in the fuss, and then I guess Jenna just keeps walking after that? Just mumbling to herself about how dare Spencer listen to her sad scary blind conversations and rassin-frassin' those girls always thinkin' they... Clonk, sploosh.
MARIN
Ashley: "That was some good pie!"
Pastor Ted: "Jesus made it! Just kidding, I bought it at a bakery."
Ashley: "I am going to wash the dishes now, if you could just scram the fuck up out my house."
Pastor Ted: "Whatever you want, I am crazy in love with you."
Ashley: "Okay look, dude. Here's the deal why I am being so weird. Darren Wilden and I had a history. A gross, awful, nasty one. And also I stole from an old lady and killed an architect and ate of his flesh. And Wilden used those things to hurt me and my kid."
Pastor Ted: "I'm aware he was a piece. I mean, I've talked to that douchebag."
Ashley: "I saw him, that night. We argued."
Pastor Ted: "Whatever, but you didn't kill him. Obviously."
Ashley: "No, but I could have. I kind of wish I did."
Pastor Ted: "Do you honestly think I care about that? Everybody's got limits. I really wish you'd get over this thing where you put judgy thoughts in my mouth."
He hugs her, just gives her a little hug, and she relaxes into it... And then when she invites him for dinner the next night, he goes, "It's a date! Just do me a favor and don't run? I've got a lot riding on you."
Which is like the weirdest Nice Guy, humblebrag, creepster thing in the world. Like, "You know what is so neat about us? How you and I both know I bailed you out and now I own your ass... But we're too classy to talk about it. Sweet dreams! Stay safe!"
I mean, if this weren't Rosewood I would say maybe he's just being a little awkward and doesn't know how to approach the subject -- or even stole it from the church, like a werewolf! -- but no: Sexual slavery is the only possible option on this show. Sex slave of a hot preacherman, the one thing even Ashley Marin couldn't have accounted for.
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