Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 29 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT The Ordeal Of Cold Water
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 9 | Aired on 08.06.2013
Paige: "Where is Spencer?"Aria: "Terrorizing your guests, one presumes."
Paige: "Great, well, it's time for everybody to hide and turn off the lights."
Knock-knock.
Emily: "Hello? Is anybody there? The last time I went to a lakehouse without a safety buddy, things got very fucked up very fast, so give a shout? I would hate to chase you up a lighthouse and stab you in the guts..."
Paige: "It's me! How did your fake appointment go? Heartbreaking?"
Emily: "Why the fuck would you lie to that..."
Everybody: "SURPRISE!"
Emily: "Jesus FUCK!"
She pulls out a gun and opens fire on the entire crowd, because what in the hell were you thinking, throwing a surprise party for this girl? "I thought you liked surprises," they'd say later, and she'd be like, "Uh, surprises like getting attacked in greenhouses? Kidnapped by talking dolls? Molested at a day spa? Roofied and time-traveled to a graveyard by a blind girl? Surprises like a motherfucking car drives all the way into your house? Surprises like that, you insensitive assholes?"
Aria: "Paige, Bridget Woo is in your kitchen, making a bong out of your aunt's teapot."
Paige: "Bridget Woo sounds like somebody we should get to know better."
Aria: "Did you know Paige was planning all this?"
Emily: "Yeah, no. Her ass is full of surprises lately."
Aria: "Surprise, Jenna's back! Surprise, she's coming to this party! Surprise, I have a million brutal jokes in me about blind girls. Here's one..."
PASTOR TED
Ashley: "Ted? How did you know I was home?"
Pastor Ted: "Uh... Let's say word travels fast in Rosewood. On the grounds that my actual answer may incriminate me before we even have this conversation."
Ashley: "Thanks for reminding me of my shame."
Pastor Ted: "Want some pie? I tried bringing you pie in jail but they wouldn't let me..."
Ashley: "Yeah, I didn't want visitors? I was super embarrassed to be in jail. It's bad there."
Pastor Ted: "Well, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You don't deserve all this. I've been going nuts worrying about... You know what though, I'm sorry. Take this pie and enjoy your first night home with your daughter. We can chat whenever you decide to take me seriously."
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