Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Yelena! Yelena!
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 23 | Aired on 05.13.2002
Back at CTU, Soul Patch signals for Nina to come over and look at something on his computer. Soul Patch explains that six people had access to the archives of the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave. The first five, he explains, were just doing scheduled back-ups. The sixth one was Mason. Dun dun dun! Oh, and when he says this, Mason's picture pops up on the screen to illustrate that Mason is the sixth guy who had access to the LDPK archives. You know, just in case there are CTU computer people who can't read, the software is designed to show you a picture of the person in question. "Xander is the mole?" exclaims Nina. The camera moles over to the Kiefer Kube, where a mole-like Xander is talking on the phone with a really mole-evolent expression on his face. According to Soul Patch, Xander was nosing around those archives over four days ago. They debate whether or not to call Chappelle, but ultimately decide just to shut down Xander's network access. Hey, didn't they need someone like Milo or Jamey to do something like that? Oh, never mind.
The time is 10:27:48 PM. In the Palmer Suite, Lady Mac is removing her make-up, brushing her hair, and getting ready for bed. She looks just like Diana Ross in that scene in Mahogany after she pours wax all over herself at the crazy Italian party the night before and she wakes up looking like shit and kicks Billy Dee Williams out of her Milan flat. Palmer enters and tells her that he was just in Room 907 with Patty. Lady Mac pretends to act surprised, and Palmer tells her to save it. "I fired her," he says. Lady Mac applies underarm deodorant -- for bed? -- and tells Palmer that she was only trying to "help" him. "By putting another woman in my bed?" kounters Palmer. Lady Mac explains that she's as much a part of Palmer's success as Palmer is, and that she needed assurance that she'd be moving into the White House with him. But now that she's been cut out of his inner circle, she needed Patty to spy on him. "You need me to look out for you," shouts Lady Mac. There's a knock at the door. A Secret Service agent enters and announces the arrival of Kiefer. Palmer says he'll be with him in a moment. "We're not done yet," says Palmer to Lady Mac.
Sweaty, sexy, bloody, breathless Kiefer enters the Palmer Suite. Palmer leads him into a meeting room, explaining that his Secret Service men won't let them talk alone. Well, not until Kiefer gets himself a perky haircut, a shoulder-baring gown, and some major lip liner. They wait for the Drazens to call. "You said this was about money," says Palmer. Kiefer explains how $200 million in Drazen assets were frozen, and only Palmer has the authority to unfreeze them. Palmer is confused. Kiefer explains that he'll probably be asked to kill Palmer once the wire transfer goes through. "But I would never do anything to hurt you," explains Kiefer. Palmer explains that he doesn't have the authority to trace those funds. "And Drazen knows that." Excuse me? What the Drazens don't know would fill a book. "I don't think that's the real reason he's calling," says Palmer. The cell phone rings. "Please," pleads Kiefer in the most velvety of bedroom whispers. "Answer this phone!" After a long, tense pause, Palmer agrees to try to buy some time. He answers the phone. "Sen-a-ter Pal-moor," says TerrorHopper. "Eet must be nice being reunited weeth your friend Kiefer." Maybe Dennis Hopper needs a little something extra to help his performance along. Maybe a lap dog? You know, a Chihuahua or something that he can stroke with an evil gleam in his eye. Come to think of it, FATB could really use a Pomeranian himself. Then again, my dogs might not be too happy about working with Hopper. They'd prefer a more prestigious co-star like, uh, John Stamos or something. Palmer asks TerrorHopper what he wants. There's no answer, but a split screen shows FATB activating some sort of Whatever Terror Technology. Something occurs to Kiefer. "He knows you can't get the money!" Kiefer grabs the cell phone out of Palmer's hand and throws it across the room. It explodes, leaving a pile of debris all over the Crate and Barrel dinette set. Spawn screams. The Secret Service men hit the floor. Kiefer dives on top of Palmer, and they roll around. Spawn weeps into her roped hands. The time is 10:32:56 PM.
The time is 10:37:12 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Soul Patch surfs the web, Spawn weeps some more, and Kiefer picks stuff out of the rubble. Kiefer picks a bit of the cell phone out of the shattered wall and hands it to a Secret Service agent, telling him to get a trace on the residue…or something. Palmer stands out on the balcony, gazing at the traffic outside. Lady Mac rushes in. "Where is he?" she shrieks. Aw! She was upset! ["Of course she was. She thought her meal ticket was on fire." -- Sars] Palmer calms her down and asks after Theo and Li'l Lisa, who are said to be conveniently downstairs and will not be ruining this episode any further with their bad acting. Kiefer comes over and Palmer introduces him to Lady Mac. Lady Mac remembers Kiefer as the guy who almost assassinated Palmer that "day." Palmer tells her to zip it. Kiefer asks the Palmers to allow him to leak false information to the press about the success of the assassination. Lady Mac is against this…because she's Lady Mac, and she has to ruin everything. Palmer argues that Kiefer's daughter is being held hostage, and that news of the Palmer's death will save her life. "We can't have the world thinking that David is dead!" says Lady Mac. "We cannot keep playing games with the public and expect to earn their trust!" Oh, shut up. Palmer sides with Kiefer and tells Lady Mac to get the kids, bring them upstairs, and "talk to no one." Lady Mac reluctantly does as she's told. Kiefer gathers up all of the Secret Service agents who saw Palmer alive for a "briefing," and commands that all the exits and entrances to the suite be secured. "Are you sure this is going to work?" asks Palmer. "It has to," says Kiefer.