Episode Report Card Keckler: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Portrait Of Dorian Blue
By Keckler | Season 2 | Episode 6 | Aired on 04.20.2000
As we watch, the portrait of Chiana breaking her leg in the corridor muddles and morphs into an image of Chiana bodily consumed by a fire.
D'Argo catches up with Crichton and tells him the portrait is bad for Chiana and they have to get rid of it. It's interesting; even someone who is soon to become Chiana's lover treats her like a child. I mean, I know she acts like one and also manages to have more "robbed childhood" neuroses than Jane Eyre, Holly Golightly, and Jamie-Lynn Spears combined, but because of all that, it's sort of hard for me to wrap my head around her as a sexual being. The more overtly sexual she acts in upcoming episodes, the more I see her as a little girl trying so hard to be an adult. She's playing dress-up in lingerie and doesn't quite know where to put her dinners. It kind of explains why she goes for the son of her lover. That, and her fear of "forever," all of which underscore her immaturity. Wow, and now we've finished with this portion of "Keckler watches way too many Frasier repeats."
Crichton has barely managed to tell D'Argo that Zhaan is way ahead of them when they hear Chiana screaming. She has just seen what the portrait has morphed into. It tickles me to consider how the others might react in the same situation. Rygel would expectorate some bodily fluid onto the offending portrait, Zhaan would pray over it, D'Argo would be philosophical and fatalistic, Crichton would try to puzzle out the cause, and I think Aeryn would blast it to pieces. Crichton and D'Argo dash into the room to find Chiana hobbling around on her broken leg, screeching that she has to get out of there. She flings herself into D'Argo's arms and sobs, "Help me! Please take me somewhere safe!" D'Argo lifts her up and tells Crichton to deal with the portrait. Aeryn jogs down the corridor to demand what the hell all is the racket about. "I'm going to die, Aeryn -- the portrait told me!" Chiana whimpers. D'Argo explains that the portrait showed Chiana on fire. Aeryn yells above Chiana's whimpers, "This is a load of dren!" "It's real, I'm burning up!" Chiana shrieks. Aeryn touches her and says she doesn't even feel hot. "I'M BURNING UP!" Chiana shrieks louder. Chiana's sort of a hypochondriac.
Crichton hands over the portrait to Zhaan, saying it changed in the blink of an eye. Zhaan places gloved hands on the image and then snaps them away, as if burned. More whispers sear Zhaan's soul. Deep and rare and Maillard-reaction-y.
In the cargo bay, Chiana orders D'Argo to put her in the freezer. Her fear drives her to make sure she is surrounded by the exact opposite of her fate: Mrs. Paul's fish sticks. D'Argo complies, ignoring Aeryn's protests that if Chiana doesn't freeze to death, she'll definitely suffocate. Pilot assures them that Chiana can remain in the freezer indefinitely if he calibrates temperature and increases airflow. Aeryn mutters that they shouldn't increase Chiana's fears by catering to them. (However, some curried crab puffs might be appreciated. I'm just saying.)