Episode Report Card Keckler: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Portrait Of Dorian Blue
By Keckler | Season 2 | Episode 6 | Aired on 04.20.2000
Moya. Zhaan has just gotten Pilot to agree to her plan when the Maldispers start again. Pilot can't hear them.
In the portrait, Maldis continues to taunt Crichton, reminding him that the last guy who helped Zhaan died. This time, Zhaan's alone. And with that, Maldis zips off to be mean to Zhaan.
Hollering, "Pa'u ZHAAAN!" Maldis causes Zhaan to fall into the pit surrounding Pilot's seat. Zhaan lands with a shattering crash in the portrait. Now outside the portrait, Maldis goes all "Eat Me" on them; his huge eye peers in-to the portrait and he snaps, "So much for that plan! Any more bets?" Zhaan pants up at Crichton that she failed, she was too weak. Crichton tells her not to give up because she never gives up. Maldis now zips back into the portrait and taunts Zhaan that she's weak and she begged him to put her out of her misery. However, he wants to enjoy her misery a little longer. He adds, "However, there's no reason why she should suffer all alone," and puckers up his lips and blows into the archways, causing Chiana and D'Argo to show up. Can you imagine watching this episode high? I feel high just typing that sentence. Meanwhile, this episode has too much talking and not enough Aeryn. Chiana looks around, notices everyone else, and perks, "Who's the ugly old man?" Crichton explains that he's "your basic evil vampire" who feeds on fear, so everyone needs to stay calm. Eh -- he's not that scary of a fear feeder, you know? I respected Barbas way more because not only is Billy Drago one of the creepiest actors in the biz, but he also had to contend with the skeevy Fun Bags, and I feel that takes quite a bit of demon moxie. However, I guess I would rank Maldis above Gachnar because once they figured him out, all it took was Buffy's heel to get rid of him.
Maldis tires of Crichton's bravado and blows him into an archway, intoning, "Picture, if you will, me standing on your home planet. Six billion creatures like you -- heavy breeders -- your species would keep me well-fed for a long time." Crichton breathes that Maldis better stay the fuck away from Earth. Maldis delights in Crichton's fear and turns to D'Argo to niggle him about finding Jothee, and Chiana about sending her back to Nebari. Chiana's not afraid of him and tells him, "The bigger the mouth, the smaller the action." Boy, I could turn that dirty fast. Maldis says he's going to leave all of them in there and destroy the portrait, but their trapped life forces will live and he will feed on them. Maldis then walks his beribboned, black pumps across Zhaan's prone body. She screams as filaments and sepals crack. Maldis announces they will be destroyed in 100 microts from now. These villains never explain why -- if they are so powerful -- they need a countdown to destruction. We know Austin Powers has lampooned what we all knew to be true, but I really want an explanation as to WHY these bad guys even bother with an egg timer to death. Anyway, a window opens to Moya, and it looks like part of Pilot's chamber is melded into the portrait. The DRDs chitter their confusion.