Episode Report Card Erin: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Swing Out, Sister
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 20 | Aired on 04.24.2004
And now, for the dessert portion of the dinner…
We're close up on a naked wrist, strapped up and hanging from the ceiling. We follow down to the arm, across the chest, complete with hair, mind you, and also, uh, blood, and, um, nipples, and up to the face of Vaughn, listening as Sark blabbles something about his dad. Oh, shut up, Sark. No one's listening. We're all rewinding and pausing and rewinding and pausing and…I would just like to take a moment and thank the writers and the producers and the directors for giving us…nipple porn. That's right. I said it. Yeah. Michael Vartan's a great actor. NIPPLE PORN. Heh. Excuse me. I have to grease my rewind button.
So, yeah, Sark's saying something about how Brill got away (I wrongly assumed he'd been killed when I wrote the recap -- my bad), but Vaughn wasn't so fortunate. We are, however, very fortunate that Vaughn didn't get away. Rewind. Pause. Sigh. Sark blah blahs some more about how the Covenant's known for awhile that Papa Vaughn was a FOR and that they were hoping Brill would ring Vaughn up. Then Sark, looking all kinds of hot in his black zippered jacket and slightly curled blonde hair, says that there are three things Vaughn needs to understand. The first concerns the rather ominous-looking electric-powered device he holds in his hand. I'd be concerned with that too, actually. It looks like a gigantic "massage wand" from Sharper Image that, you know, NO ONE uses as a "massage wand." If you know what I mean. And I think you do. So, what, he's going to MASSAGE Vaughn to death? Or, um, massage something ELSE to death? I don't…I don't really want to think about it right now.
"Well, I sure as hell do!" said Wendy Kroy when I called to ask him his opinion on the scene. "Bring on the HO! Haul on the YAY!" I promptly hung up on him so that I could devote more time to my rewind button. Rewind. Pause. Sigh. The massage wand is capable of delivering up to 500,000 volts. "Not enough to kill you," sneers Sark deliciously. "Just enough to let you wish it would." I…huh? What'd he say? And where's his accent? He's been hanging out with Moronen far too long. Also? Not really listening, Sark. We had a full-frontal shot of Michael Vartan's six-pack there for a second. You could be reciting excerpts from Diary of a Unabomber and none of us would be paying attention. But Sark bravely continues on, saying that the second thing he'd like Vaughn to consider is that Sark believes Brill disclosed the location of The Passenger to him, which means that Sark won't stop with the torture 'til Vaughn spills it. "And third, Mr. Vaughn," he says, obviously relishing the moment, "is that I'm going to enjoy this far more than I should." And with that, he shoves the massage wand into Vaughn's side and Vaughn goes into convulsions. Ouch. Also? Gay. So very gay. In the good way. And I think Wendy Kroy agrees with me. "Yes. Yes, I do. So very gay. Mmmm."