Episode Report Card Erin: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Swing Out, Sister
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 20 | Aired on 04.24.2004
Syd looks to Jack, who just nods in response. She goes to open the case as Jack asks Sloane what Spy Sis's value really is. Because he just KNOWS Sloane's hiding something from everyone. Did I mention the psychic? And yet, this psychic ability somehow fails to notify Jack that Sloane's really just interested in kidnapping his kid so he can do things to her with green goo. I'm just sayin'. Sloane looks up. "When I was searching for her, I made a discovery," he says, launching us into some serious flashbacking. "Did someone call for a pizza?" shrieks the Exposition Fairy, slamming open the chain gate and careening over to the trio. Everyone just ignores her as Sloane continues, telling Jack and Syd that he found some Rambaldi text that foretold of a person -- a passenger, if you will -- who would serve as a direct conduit to Rambaldi. "WHAT?" screams the Exposition Fairy with her mouth full of pepperoni. "Are they fucking KIDDING with this shit? God. It's no wonder I drink!" Syd chucks a Schlitz at the Fairy's head. "Oh, please," she says, under her breath. "Like you need a reason to drink." "Watch it, sweetheart," says the Exposition Fairy, cracking the beer. "This whole show is ONE BIG REASON TO DRINK. And if you don't pass me the cheese curls, I'll leave, and you'll never know the whole story behind your sister, mmm-kay?"
After the cheese curls are passed, Sloane continues with a roll of the eyes. See, the Rambaldi text contained a formula for an elixir ("HA!" chomps the Fairy) and Sloane made up a batch of this elixir, which appears to be made of nuclear-powered swamp algae. According to Rambaldi, when injected, this elixir would bring about an altered state of consciousness ("Jesus," chews the Fairy. "I'll give you an altered state of consciousness. I'm in an altered state of consciousness from the second I fucking wake up!"), allowing The Passenger to channel a message. As Sloane tells this story, we get a repeat performance of that time when Sloane injected himself with the green goo. "Hey, that shit looks good," smacks the Fairy, emptying the bag of cheese curls into her gaping maw. "You got any of that stuff left? The Tooth Fairy took my last eighth. Little tramp."
So, yeah, whatever. You inject the goo, and apparently you channel Rambaldi and you say something. The message you deliver is rumored to be the key to Rambaldi's endgame. Jack just looks at Sloane like, "Dude? Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Christ on a popsicle stick, you are one dumb-ass mo-fo." Oh, but Sloane's not done yet. While we watch Sloane inject the green goo, he actually TELLS us that he injected the green goo. You know. In case we CAN'T SEE THE TV. And while I have great sympathy and concern for those among us who are blind, if you are not blessed with the gift of sight and you're actually attempting to follow this show? I…I shall pray for you, my friends. I shall pray. So, okay, Sloane injects the goo to channel the old dude and…yeah, nothing happens. Which brings us back to The Passenger. "FINALLY!" screams the Fairy, licking the inside of the pizza box. The green goo is meant only for The Passenger. Unfortunately, if the Covenant gets their hands on The Passenger, they'll inject her with massive doses of the Green Goo™ and she'll be a goner. Because, apparently, in small doses? You talk to Rambaldi. In big doses? You…talk with a bad accent? I don't know. You die, I guess. Although, since this has never been tried before, I'm absolutely astounded that anyone can even venture a guess as to just what effect this will have on ANYONE, let alone a girl no one's ever even fucking MET BEFORE.