Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT When Worlds Collide
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 9 | Aired on 02.13.2005
3:29:22. Lispy Skip, MamaSkip, TerrorTeen, and TerrorMom all wait for news. Actually, Skip's done waiting, and he starts walking towards where DoDder is working the phones. He introduces himself, then backs off for a minute while DoDder tries to rip a new asshole for someone at the other end of the line. Of course, she's so ineffectual that it comes off more like sewing them a new buttonhole, but whatever. Once she's off the phone, she has a minute for Skip , who explains his mother's situation. DoDder suggests the National Guard, but Skip says he already spoke to the area commander, who said he can't spare anyone. But maybe if DoDder called...DoDder looks distinctly uncomfortable at what he's asking of her, if not downright offended. Lispy Skip says he wouldn't normally ask for special treatment, but it's his mom. DoDder says she can't make any promises, and she takes the number. Even she knows she's going to blow it.
3:30:36. At the TerrorHotel, Soul Patch is instructing an agent to give TerrorMom a painkiller, but one that's going to keep her "lucid." Kiefer's in an adjoining hotel room, downloading TerrorMom's entire life onto a laptop, and then Soul Patch joins him so Kiefer can download everything to him: the whole TerrorFamily's names, their immigration history (arrived five years ago, became naturalized citizens two years ago), the fact that TerrorDad owns an electronics store in Carson (which explains the flatscreen TV on his kitchen counter, but doesn't explain why he lives someplace where he has to commute either around or through the entire metro area), and their criminal records (nonexistent). Kiefer orders a nearby agent to send CTU teams to the house and the store. Spreading folks a little thin there, aren't we? Driscoll calls Kiefer on his cell phone and he goes out to the outdoor hallway-balcony-mezzanine area (hotels in Minnesota don't have them, so I don't know what they're called, okay?) for a better signal, with Soul Patch in tow. Driscoll's got a clue ex machina for him: "After the attacks this morning, Homeland Security has been archiving select communications in the L.A. area." What? The government can just start indiscriminately eavesdropping on every phone call happening everywhere? And even if it could, what are the chances of their finding exactly the call that Kiefer needs in less than a year, let alone two hours? Hey, Homeland Security? Archive this call: bullshit. After Kiefer puts Driscoll on speaker so Soul Patch can hear the conversation too, Curtis replays the cell phone call between TerrorTeen and TerrorMom from two hours ago when he said TerrorDad was trying to kill him. "That's it," Driscoll says at the end of the call. "Let me know the minute you get something from her." "Yeah," Kiefer says, hanging up, and says to Soul Patch, "We got our leverage." See? Kids, every damn time.
TerrorMom is dozing while Agent Castle stands in front of her, staring at her rather oddly. Kiefer and Soul Patch come in and all of the other agents clear out. Kiefer looks at her for a moment, then goes into the bathroom and takes about ten minutes washing his hands and face while Soul Patch sticks around in the main room for a staring contest. Kiefer looks into the bathroom mirror for a long moment, thinking, "Okay, she's an Oscar nominee. But I'm a Golden Globe winner. That's about equal. I can do this." It's 3:33:14. As he comes out of the bathroom, he asks TerrorMom how long they've been planning today. "Two years? Five years? Ten? All this planning for one day." And then they spend it chasing all over hell after each other rather than actually getting anything done. Criminal masterminds, these people. Kiefer reminds her that if the reactors melt down, "hundreds of thousands of people will die." That earns him her first words since she was taken: "Every war has casualties." Kiefer tries to tell her that the people who will die are innocent, which cuts about as much ice with her as you'd imagine. Say it with her, everyone: "No one is innocent." "You really believe that?" he asks sincerely. "As strongly as you believe in what you believe," she says, and he looks down as if to hide the fact that that's really not all that strong. He just likes running and shooting and telling people they don't have a lot of time. She says he'll never understand, and he says he understands more than she thinks: "I know that something happened today to challenge your commitment to your war. You weren't willing to let your son become a casualty. That's why you were shot. Protecting him from his father." Wow, Kiefer could solve a whole mystery just from watching the previouslies. "I understand that," he says, making his best I love Spawn I love Spawn I love Spawn face. "I know what it's like to watch your child be threatened and feel helpless to do anything about it." TerrorMom's expression tells us he's getting through to her. Kiefer says TerrorTeen isn't going to last very long out there with TerrorDad looking for him. But if TerrorMom helps them find the MacGuffin, he (actually, he says "we," nodding at Soul Patch) will protect him. "So he can spend the rest of his life in prison?" TerrorMom asks. Kiefer promises TerrorTeen immunity in the form of a presidential pardon. TerrorMom is skeptical, as if you can't just pick up a signed presidential pardon at the post office on this show, but Kiefer assures her it's so. "And this offer expires the second another reactor melts down." She tries to look defiant, but it comes out kind of shaky. "You don't have a lot of time," he tells her. Drink! He starts to walk out. She says, "Show me this document." He stops short. "And I'll help you find what you want," she finishes. It's 3:36:37.