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Oh, we got us a real hairball up in here. A nuclear plant has already melted down, and Lispy Skip's shut-in mom is stranded in the fallout zone. He enlists DoDder in his quest to rescue her, with a predictable result (that means a bad one, in case you're new here). Kiefer and Soul Patch's increasingly urgent hunt for the MacGuffin leads them straight to TerrorMom. When Kiefer plays empathetic parent cop with her, she agrees to help them find the device in exchange for a presidential pardon for TerrorTeen. Problem is, TerrorTeen's out running an errand and TerrorDad catches up with him before Kiefer does, burning a wide swath through TerrorMom's siblings along the way. CTU ends up trapping TerrorDad in a hospital basement with TerrorTeen as a hostage, but TerrorMom only plans to stay helpful as long as TerrorTeen stays alive. In the apt words of Kiefer, did you get that? Also, DaD suddenly looks about five years younger and two bits poorer, if you catch my drift. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on 24: ImhoTerror was running the MacGuffin personally to make sure that the remaining six nuclear reactors melted down, and told TerrorDad to "clean up [his] mess." TerrorDad promised to kill off his whole family, because he's just that much of a suck-up. TerrorTeen was pissed at TerrorDad, but claimed not to be afraid of him any more. TerrorGringo told his pet mole AIIIEEEE!sha to "divert suspicion," which she did, onto Special Agent Breck, who got tortured on Driscoll's orders. Kiefer caught up with TerrorGringo before he got away in a helicopter, but then TerrorGringo got snipered right out from under him. Dammit! Lispy Skip told Driscoll, Curtis, and Scott (the latter of whom we may never see again after he totally muffed his one job) that AIIIEEEE!sha was the real mole. Curtis caught up with her in the parking lot and arrested her, which was lucky for her because her car was rigged to blow, but not entirely lucky, because she got knocked unconscious anyway by the explosion. Nice parking lot security, CTU. Curtis's car stereo is as good as mine. The following takes place between 3:00 PM and 4:00 PM. Heavens, where does the time go?
Curtis charges up to the DrisCube, full of righteous I-told-you-so fury over AIIIEEEE!sha. Driscoll turns it around on him, saying that he was the one who boned a spy in the first place, and now they're both going to be in trouble with Division over the high-security files AIIIEEEE!sha was supposedly able to access. Actually, Driscoll was the one who signed off on AIIIEEEE!sha's higher security clearance. But even so, as far as I can tell, the only damaging info that AIIIEEEE!sha ever leaked was what she "accessed" by virtue of people popping off at the mouth. Curtis suggests to Driscoll, off the record, that since AIIIEEEE!sha did such a good job of establishing her credentials, it's not going to take him more than two minutes to cover both their asses in regard to how she got the CTU gig in the first place. Driscoll says she'll call Division at five. I'm sure they'll just be sitting around waiting patiently for her call.
Dammit, where's the exposition that usually goes here? I'm feeling lost.
Oh, here it is, in the form of the leader of the free world, and he's pissed off. About Air Force One being converted into a geosynchronous weather satellite while he's on board? No, about AIIIEEEE!sha. He's grilling DaD over the phone about how AIIIEEEE!sha got in the front door. DaD is shaven, shorn, and getting ready to don a red power tie under his new suit (which was presumably delivered to him by Scott, who must have been deservedly busted to dry-cleaning duty) while standing in a room that overlooks the CTU clinic's OR where AIIIEEEE!sha's being worked on. He explains to POTUS that they're still looking into the question of how AIIIEEEE!sha infiltrated the place, as well as whom she is working for and who tried to take her out. DaD does assume that AIIIEEEE!sha's would-be killer is also connected with the theft of the MacGuffin. Way to bring that up. "We need to find that MacGuffin now," POTUS commands. He asks for the latest on the nuke sitch. DaD reports that the San Gabriel Island plant -- the one that, according to the map, is near San Diego, although a few Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters say it's closer to L.A. -- is about to go critical within the hour. The area has "less than a hundred thousand" evacuees, most of whom are already on the move. POTUS tells DaD to snap it up. DaD agrees, then goes back to just standing there and watching AIIIEEEE!sha in the OR. And that's all we'll see of her this week. Also MIA this hour: Special Agent Breck, Grayadder, and DrisKid. I just hope the clinic's not out of Haldol.
Kiefer, Soul Patch, and TerrorGringo's helicopter pilot are just chilling around the helipad as if a mysterious sniper hadn't rained hot lead death onto the scene three minutes past. Kiefer's on the phone with Driscoll explaining that even though TerrorGringo is dead, his cell phone isn't, and Kiefer was able to pull two phone numbers from it. One was AIIIEEEE!sha's, and the other is an 818-555 number. Driscoll says she'll get back to him with the scoop on that number. I think we can assume that this number doesn't belong to a 24 propmaster.
3:09:37. TerrorTeen is still playing concerned, guilty son, while TerrorMom is still playing brave, stoic mother. "Your father shot me, not you," she reminds him. By which she means that TerrorTeen didn't do the shooting, but it reads like she's disappointed that he didn't take the bullet. Which, sure. She continues: "Everything that's happened today…what we've all been fighting to achieve… it's more important to [TerrorDad] than anything or anyone." "But not to you," TerrorTeen obviouses. TerrorMom falls asleep, because he's just that boring. Heh. Oh, I guess she's passing out. That's not as funny. TerrorTeen rouses her nervously. He insists on getting her some pain meds from TerrorMom's brother, who works at a hospital nearby. TerrorMom protests, because her brother isn't in on the big TerrorPlan, but TerrorTeen says he'll just tell NonTerrorUncle that TerrorMom needs some Hillbilly Heroin and leave it at that. TerrorMom agrees, as long as he hurries. "I will," TerrorTeen lies, and heads out.
Just as DaD's coming back from his mini-spa day on CTU's upper level, Driscoll rolls up to notify him that they have a meltdown already; core material from the San Gabriel Island plant is airborne. Somebody had better warn the president not to fly through that. "I thought we had more time," DaD complains. A tech calls Driscoll over with the news that they've got someone at the plant ready to go up on the videophone, although some technobabble is making the feed unstable. Lispy Skip comes up to ask what's going on, and Driscoll tells him about the meltdown, rather than reminding him that he was the one looking at the screen showing the reactor going critical last week. The reactor crew of three or four Homer Simpsons is onscreen, although they're looking pretty staticky and moving at a distressingly low refresh rate. Driscoll asks the head Homer what's going on. Head Homer, whose face is covered with so many radiation burns that he looks like he fell asleep and did a faceplant into a bowl of goulash at the plant cafeteria, explains that they've been dosed with the equivalent of 10,000 x-rays. Why can't we see their bones, then? Oh, and also, the plant's core is emptying itself into the atmosphere like a can of Aqua Net. DaD, who didn't see what happened to Mason last year, snaps, "Son, you've done everything you can. Now get the hell out of there." Head Homer says, "Well, sir, since we're under the jurisdiction of the Department of Energy, you can go screw." No, he just calmly says, "Evacuating won't make any difference, sir. We've already been exposed." The feed goes snowy. Everyone realizes they're the last people who will ever see those Homers alive. And those guys can forget about leaving good-looking corpses. It's 3:12:22.
3:16:44. TerrorMom suffers, Lispy Skip jabbers on the phone, and Driscoll loiters. DaD and Curtis pedeconference past a meeting in progress -- that's a whole lot of conferring in that shot there -- as basically we learn that Curtis is understaffed and has to do everything himself. DaD, annoyed, picks up a TV remote off a nearby desk where it's just lying around and points it at the CTU big screen, where the news of the meltdown is breaking. It's so cute how Fox News gets to play the part of a real news channel on this show.
Across the floor, Lispy Skip is lying to someone that he's been trying to get through to a number in the evacuation zone for ten minutes. He finally prevails upon someone to put him through, and he listens to the phone ring while watching radioactive steam pouring out of a cooling tower on the TV. Who would hang around and film that from so close up? Suicidal cameramen? The Amazing Race must be between seasons or something. MamaSkip answers. Naturally, she's a sweet older lady with a wheelchair and an oxygen tank, and she's been watching the news too. Skip wants to know why she hasn't left yet. Well, she doesn't have a car, she can't get through to anyone, and all the neighbors were gone by the time she got outside. Skip promises that he's going to make some calls and get her some help, and he wants her to sit by the phone. "I don't really have a choice," she points out as kindly as possible. Skip hangs up and gets to work on organizing her some transport. I hope he doesn't try too hard; he doesn't exactly look like his mom drove him to a lot of soccer practices when he was a kid.
3:18:27. DoDder approaches the conference room, where DaD's telling a whole room full of people and some hapless excuse-maker on the other end of the speakerphone that he's going to assign someone to coordinate between the state police and the National Guard. DoDder comes in as everyone else leaves (as if they needed to be there in the first place). DaD complains to her about his lack of manpower, and DoDder takes on the job that DaD just described. She looks at a map and makes a "plan." Riveting. "Kiefer has got to find the MacGuffin before the rest of these reactors go critical," DaD summarizes. Sure, put it all on Kiefer. He's not even supposed to be there today!
Kiefer arrives outside TerrorMom's hotel and meets up with a squad of riot-geared CTU agents. Maybe if Kiefer had asked for fully armored backup back at the helipad, they could have gotten there faster. This team's leader is an Agent Castle, and he looks like Fish from Ally McBeal would if Fish were a fascist. Castle welcomes Kiefer, but makes no secret of his contempt for Soul Patch. "He's not authorized to be in the field," Castle says. Soul Patch gives him an "I'm standing right here" look. Kiefer backs up Soul Patch by saying he wants Soul Patch to be his backup, and Castle gets Soul Patch a bulletproof vest. As Soul Patch is donning it, Castle explains that they're looking in on the room via a fiber-optic camera. Skip pinpointed the phone's location to a specific room? He's good. The hotel manager told Castle that the "suspects" are "a mid-forties female and a teenage male, possibly mother and son, both Middle Eastern. Kiefer reminds him that they need the suspects alive and they all head inside at 3:20:25. All this based on a few phone calls from TerrorGringo's phone. Kiefer would be so embarrassed if he found out he was coming down this hard on TerrorGringo's caterer or something.
Inside the oddly green stairwell, a CTU peeping tom is poking a wire through the wall and watching TerrorMom on a handheld video monitor. No sign of TerrorTeen yet, but Kiefer doesn't want to wait. TerrorMom appears to hear some noise made by the deceptively silent dozen or so guys in the hallway. Castle sticks the key card in the lock. When TerrorMom hears the lock click, she reaches under her pillow for the gun there. Which, I don't know where that came from. After TerrorTeen killed Wahabist Wolf, he left WW's gun at the scene, you'll recall. We just have to assume that TerrorMom had her gun when she left the house. With all the time I've spent talking about it, she could have shot herself by now. And that's the case on the show, too. By the time Kiefer rushes into the room with Soul Patch and the team behind him, it's been eight seconds and she's just now raising the gun to her head. Kiefer dives and knocks it out of her hand before she can off herself. Castle jumps on top of her on the bed and starts screaming at her about where the MacGuffin is. He quickly finds the bloody bandage on her arm and immediately starts digging his thumb into it to get her to talk. Which she does. Here's what she has to say: "AAAAA-AAAA-AAAHHA-HAAAAA-HAAA!!!" Over her screams, Soul Patch and Kiefer both yell at Castle to back off, but it's Soul Patch who pulls the zealous agent off of TerrorMom and angrily pins him against the wall. "We have to get her to talk," Castle rages. "She's going to go into shock before she does," Soul Patch yells back. And besides, she might just be the caterer. Well, probably not, since she was about to shoot herself. I'll give them that. Kiefer loudly orders Castle out of the room and follows him out the door, but not before ordering TerrorMom's prints and photos sent to CTU ASAP. Soul Patch looks at the suspect sympathetically.
"He has no right to give me orders," Castle bitches at Kiefer. "Hey, c'mere," Kiefer says softly, and pulls Castle into a tender kiss. Except by "tender kiss" I just mean "quiet corner." Where they share a tender kiss. No, not really. I'll stop now. Kiefer can't just come out and tell Castle that torture is only a good idea when Kiefer's doing it, so he simply explains that TerrorMom was willing to die before she gave anything up via brute force. They need to find some leverage. Of course, by "leverage," Kiefer always means "kids." He whips out his phone to make a call to Driscoll while Soul Patch comforts TerrorMom in the hotel room. Not like that, all right? Kiefer tells Driscoll that he's going to be sending her TerrorMom's prints and photos, and he wants all "relevant databases and electronic communications." That sounds kind of hard. Do we suddenly have all day? After Driscoll snaps, "Got it" and hangs up (presumably to say, "Wait, what did he just ask me?"), Kiefer turns back to Castle. "I understand your concerns about Soul Patch," he velvets, "but for me, just give him a break, okay?" Castle agrees, because he's still hoping for a tender kiss at some point. Soul Patch calls them back in to tell them that TerrorMom's arm looks like she's been shot in the past couple of hours.
TerrorTeen, meanwhile, is just arriving at a hospital pharmacy, where everyone's gathered around the TV watching the live coverage of the nuclear plant evacuation. Behind the counter, a bald, angry-looking Middle- Eastern pharmacist hangs up the phone, turns to see TerrorTeen, and, if possible, becomes even more angry-looking. He comes out to talk to TerrorTeen, expositing that the meltdown is causing a panic and a run on iodine pills. TerrorTeen assures him that he's not there for that; he needs pain meds for TerrorMom's back. NonTerrorUncle looks a little taken aback and more than a little suspicious at this. And also angry. TerrorTeen explains that TerrorMom couldn't get through to her doctor for a prescription. NonTerrorUncle angrily promises to see what he can do and goes back into his office, looking troubled. But still pretty angry. Out of TerrorTeen's line of sight, he pulls out his cell phone and makes a call. Angrily.
To…TerrorDad! Why is he calling his brother-in-law instead of his sister in this situation? He must be angry at her. NonTerrorUncle tells TerrorDad that TerrorTeen is at his pharmacy, asking for drugs and acting strangely. TerrorDad, thinking fast, tells NonTerrorUncle that he thinks TerrorTeen is on drugs and asks NonTerrorUncle, as he's hopping into his car, to keep TerrorTeen there until TerrorDad arrives in about fifteen minutes. So I guess with all the driving around TerrorTeen and TerrorMom did last hour, they didn't really cover much ground. Maybe TerrorTeen isn't allowed to drive outside the city limits or something. NonTerrorUncle snaps his cell phone shut, and the camera pans out to the waiting room and the terminally clueless TerrorTeen stressing out on the sofa. It's 3:24:55.
3:29:22. Lispy Skip, MamaSkip, TerrorTeen, and TerrorMom all wait for news. Actually, Skip's done waiting, and he starts walking towards where DoDder is working the phones. He introduces himself, then backs off for a minute while DoDder tries to rip a new asshole for someone at the other end of the line. Of course, she's so ineffectual that it comes off more like sewing them a new buttonhole, but whatever. Once she's off the phone, she has a minute for Skip , who explains his mother's situation. DoDder suggests the National Guard, but Skip says he already spoke to the area commander, who said he can't spare anyone. But maybe if DoDder called...DoDder looks distinctly uncomfortable at what he's asking of her, if not downright offended. Lispy Skip says he wouldn't normally ask for special treatment, but it's his mom. DoDder says she can't make any promises, and she takes the number. Even she knows she's going to blow it.
3:30:36. At the TerrorHotel, Soul Patch is instructing an agent to give TerrorMom a painkiller, but one that's going to keep her "lucid." Kiefer's in an adjoining hotel room, downloading TerrorMom's entire life onto a laptop, and then Soul Patch joins him so Kiefer can download everything to him: the whole TerrorFamily's names, their immigration history (arrived five years ago, became naturalized citizens two years ago), the fact that TerrorDad owns an electronics store in Carson (which explains the flatscreen TV on his kitchen counter, but doesn't explain why he lives someplace where he has to commute either around or through the entire metro area), and their criminal records (nonexistent). Kiefer orders a nearby agent to send CTU teams to the house and the store. Spreading folks a little thin there, aren't we? Driscoll calls Kiefer on his cell phone and he goes out to the outdoor hallway-balcony-mezzanine area (hotels in Minnesota don't have them, so I don't know what they're called, okay?) for a better signal, with Soul Patch in tow. Driscoll's got a clue ex machina for him: "After the attacks this morning, Homeland Security has been archiving select communications in the L.A. area." What? The government can just start indiscriminately eavesdropping on every phone call happening everywhere? And even if it could, what are the chances of their finding exactly the call that Kiefer needs in less than a year, let alone two hours? Hey, Homeland Security? Archive this call: bullshit. After Kiefer puts Driscoll on speaker so Soul Patch can hear the conversation too, Curtis replays the cell phone call between TerrorTeen and TerrorMom from two hours ago when he said TerrorDad was trying to kill him. "That's it," Driscoll says at the end of the call. "Let me know the minute you get something from her." "Yeah," Kiefer says, hanging up, and says to Soul Patch, "We got our leverage." See? Kids, every damn time.
TerrorMom is dozing while Agent Castle stands in front of her, staring at her rather oddly. Kiefer and Soul Patch come in and all of the other agents clear out. Kiefer looks at her for a moment, then goes into the bathroom and takes about ten minutes washing his hands and face while Soul Patch sticks around in the main room for a staring contest. Kiefer looks into the bathroom mirror for a long moment, thinking, "Okay, she's an Oscar nominee. But I'm a Golden Globe winner. That's about equal. I can do this." It's 3:33:14. As he comes out of the bathroom, he asks TerrorMom how long they've been planning today. "Two years? Five years? Ten? All this planning for one day." And then they spend it chasing all over hell after each other rather than actually getting anything done. Criminal masterminds, these people. Kiefer reminds her that if the reactors melt down, "hundreds of thousands of people will die." That earns him her first words since she was taken: "Every war has casualties." Kiefer tries to tell her that the people who will die are innocent, which cuts about as much ice with her as you'd imagine. Say it with her, everyone: "No one is innocent." "You really believe that?" he asks sincerely. "As strongly as you believe in what you believe," she says, and he looks down as if to hide the fact that that's really not all that strong. He just likes running and shooting and telling people they don't have a lot of time. She says he'll never understand, and he says he understands more than she thinks: "I know that something happened today to challenge your commitment to your war. You weren't willing to let your son become a casualty. That's why you were shot. Protecting him from his father." Wow, Kiefer could solve a whole mystery just from watching the previouslies. "I understand that," he says, making his best I love Spawn I love Spawn I love Spawn face. "I know what it's like to watch your child be threatened and feel helpless to do anything about it." TerrorMom's expression tells us he's getting through to her. Kiefer says TerrorTeen isn't going to last very long out there with TerrorDad looking for him. But if TerrorMom helps them find the MacGuffin, he (actually, he says "we," nodding at Soul Patch) will protect him. "So he can spend the rest of his life in prison?" TerrorMom asks. Kiefer promises TerrorTeen immunity in the form of a presidential pardon. TerrorMom is skeptical, as if you can't just pick up a signed presidential pardon at the post office on this show, but Kiefer assures her it's so. "And this offer expires the second another reactor melts down." She tries to look defiant, but it comes out kind of shaky. "You don't have a lot of time," he tells her. Drink! He starts to walk out. She says, "Show me this document." He stops short. "And I'll help you find what you want," she finishes. It's 3:36:37.
Commercials. Your TV has no time for you any more.
3:40:48. TerrorTeen is still making use of the waiting room, NonTerrorUncle is letting him, and wherever Air Force One is now, it's dark outside. Now I'm more confused than ever, because didn't we hear in the first episode that Keeler was heading back to Washington, D.C.? Where it's not even 7:00 PM yet? ["If it's supposed to be taking place at this time of year, it would be dark in D.C. by about 6 PM EST. This still doesn't explain why they're apparently flying back to the capital by way of Brazil, but whatev." -- Sars] Keeler's on the line with Kiefer, who's foolishly telling him that TerrorTeen is probably in on the TerrorPlan. The Prez is balky about granting "clemency to a terrorist," but Kiefer insists that he doesn't see a choice given the timeframe they're working in. "I'm uncomfortable with this, but I trust your judgment," POTUS says. "I'll release the letter." After they hang up, POTUS says to the nearest suit, "Make sure that document is non-binding." We cut away before the guy tells the prez that he simply needs to misspell his name as "President Keillor."
Over at CTU, DoDder is just finishing up on the phone when Lispy Skip comes up to her to get the scoop. You'll be astounded to hear that she struck out. I'm sure she tried real hard, too. She makes excuses about all the people stuck on the congested freeway, and how the police and National Guard have to "throw their resources into saving the maximum number of lives," but Skip isn't impressed: "If my mother were rich or a politician, they'd find a way to save her." He stomps off before DoDder can tell him that, actually, if his mother were a member of the Cabinet, she'd have been taken out by a missile strike by now.
Skip walks past a blue-tinted electronic map showing an expanding red cloud on his way back to his desk to tell his mother she's fucked. It's 3:42:23. He picks up the phone and gets through to his mom again, and he explains that he tried everything but couldn't get her any help. Yes, he approached the one person at CTU who wasn't there when he managed to single-handedly shut down ninety eight out of 104 nuclear reactors across the country. Astute move, that. MamaSkip, of course, is all understanding and forgiving and sweet and brave about it. I wish Skip's mom were Emily Gilmore, bitching about how the National Guard came and expected her to ride in the back of a truck that smelled like diesel fuel, sitting to some neighbor who sort of snubbed her thirty-five years ago, and she wanted no part of that, and she doesn't hold much stock in this whole radiation thing anyway, if she starts to feel woozy she'll just put her head in the microwave for a couple of hours, if it can keep radiation in it can keep it out, and how inconsiderate of Skip to let this happen in the first place, really, but she'll be fine, don't worry about her another moment. But no, MamaSkip has decided to go gently into that good night (as opposed to going baldly and vomitingly into it). As she talks bravely yet obliquely about doing herself in, Skip tries to keep her on the line, feeling helpless and miserable and trying to keep his shit together. She gives him a long, uplifting speech before finally hanging up on him. Skip sits there for a minute before getting up and grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair (which has been there all along. It has!) and starting to walk out. Driscoll happens along just in time to intercept him and ask where he's going. He explains about his mother, but since there are still five other reactors ready to melt down and Driscoll has either fired, tortured, or been spied upon by all of her other computer people, she can't spare Skip right now. Although she leaves out that middle part. Skip's about to blow right past her, but she says he can obey orders or end up in a cell. Skip's like, "Arrest me for trying saving my mother's life?" Oh, and the millions of lives he saved a couple of hours ago. Don't forget those. Driscoll changes tactics, telling Skip that there's nothing he can do for his mom. "Suppose your mother were here right now. What would make her proud? What would she want you to do?" Skip admits that she'd want him to help, and he goes back to work. So Driscoll eventually gets around to being an effective manager sometimes, if not a good one. Just not on the first try. Ever.
3:45:55. While CTU agents are setting up something technical in TerrorMom's hotel room, Kiefer comes up to her and hands her the non-binding pardon that the President faxed. "This is acceptable," she whispers. Kiefer asks where TerrorTeen is, and TerrorMom says he's at "Lindower Memorial Hospital." Agent Castle tells his walkie-talkie to set up a perimeter around the hospital. Kiefer tells TerrorMom to call her son and let him know they're coming. She nods and takes the phone as Kiefer explains that they have to record the call. Deal-breaker! No, not really. She dials.
At the hospital, TerrorTeen answers his cell phone and says he's still waiting for NonTerrorUncle to come through with the drugs already. TerrorMom explains to him as soothingly as she can that the situation has changed. During her spiel, we get a minor bullshit scare when NonTerrorUncle interrupts (angrily) to tell him it'll be just a few more minutes. "You won't be arrested or even named in any of this," she tells her confused kid. He still doesn't get it. "I'm going to help them stop your father," she finally spells out. TerrorTeen asks what will happen to her. She dodges the question, saying that she wants him to go with the agents that are coming to get him. "Are they making you say this?" TerrorTeen asks, "cannily." In order to calm TerrorTeen's suspicions, TerrorMom offers to come with the agents when they pick him up. Kiefer nods. TerrorTeen says he'll meet her outside. Kiefer cuts in and says he'd rather TerrorTeen go to the hospital's emergency room because he wants the kid where it's crowded. TerrorTeen agrees, and they hang up. Kiefer, Soul Patch, and TerrorMom stand up to head to the hospital, but not for the normal reason that three people go to the hospital when one of them has been shot.
TerrorTeen is torn between just walking out of the pharmacy's waiting area or telling his NonTerrorUncle he's leaving. As always, he makes the wrong decision. When NonTerrorUncle hears that TerrorTeen plans to take off, he angrily runs to catch up with him and grabs him by the arm. NonTerrorUncle blows his "cover," saying he talked to TerrorDad and gave his word that he wouldn't let TerrorTeen leave. "My father is a terrorist," TerrorTeen yells. "Stop talking crazy," NonTerrorUncle hisses, but TerrorTeen won't be stopped. "He's behind the kidnapping this morning and the reactors melting down. We're all involved, my mother and me. We've killed people." All this at top volume in a public area. Way to convince the guy you're not on drugs there, TerrorTeen. Although, in TerrorTeen's defense, he doesn't know what TerrorDad told NonTerrorUncle. time I start a sentence with the words "In TerrorTeen's defense," feel free to skip ahead. "Your father will be furious when he hears this," NonTerrorUncle says. TerrorTeen finally realizes that TerrorDad is on his way to the hospital right now. He pushes his uncle away and dashes off down the hall, NonTerrorUncle in hot (as in "angry") pursuit.
Soul Patch, TerrorMom, and Kiefer are leaving the hotel with Soul Patch at the wheel. That SUV has crazy-good pickup. It's 3:49:44.
TerrorTeen is running through the labyrinthine halls of the hospital, totally lost, until he comes face to face with TerrorDad, who's just standing there with has hands behind his back. Well, how very lucky for TerrorDad. NonTerrorUncle appears behind TerrorTeen and tells his brother-in-law sheepishly, "I tried to stop him." TerrorDad nods understandingly, then whips out his silenced handgun and plugs NonTerrorUncle twice in the chest. This is how TerrorDad cleans up a mess? By shooting pharmacists in hospitals? What does he do when he wants to make a mess? Oh, that's right, he tries to melt down 104 nuclear reactors. Carry on, TerrorDad. He grabs TerrorTeen and drags him into a stairwell. Why he doesn't kill him outright is beyond me. Maybe he's really just a big softie. ["Or he wants to get TerrorMom's location out of him first." -- Sars] He hauls his son down a flight or two and pushes him against the wall, then releases him. TerrorTeen just stands there. "You broke my heart, TerrorTeen," TerrorDad says sadly, and TerrorTeen wonders, like the rest of us, whether TerrorDad has changed his mind about killing him. But then the gun muzzle is up against TerrorTeen's forehead. When TerrorTeen tries and fails to grab the gun by bugging out his eyeballs really far, he cries, "If you kill me, Mother will tell them everything!" TerrorDad demands, "Tell who?" TerrorTeen explains how she's with the police, "and if you kill me she will ruin everything you're doing." Looks like all TerrorDad's been doing lately is trying to kill TerrorTeen, so that's not really true. TerrorDad agrees with me, screaming, "Liar!" His face looks like a skull with eyeballs right now. TerrorTeen says, "If you don't believe me, look outside. They're coming to pick me up." It's 3:50:56.
3:55:24. NonTerrorUncle is still dead (and he looks pretty angry about it), DoDder is still useless, and Soul Patch is still driving Kiefer and TerrorMom to the hospital.
TerrorDad continues to drag TerrorTeen down the stairwell. This is a tall hospital.
As the PatchMobile approaches, Kiefer spots the hospital security guards scurrying around like somebody shot a pharmacist or something. "Something's wrong," TerrorMom says. As Soul Patch parks, Kiefer orders a cordon set up around the hospital and hops out. "I'm going with you," TerrorMom says. "No you're not!" he snaps, and he's gone, gun drawn.
Inside a hospital hallway, Kiefer asks a security guard what's going on. The guard explains about the shooting, and asks who Kiefer is. Kiefer holsters his weapon as he identifies himself. No badge, though. The guard, who is awfully helpful to this guy who just charged in with a gun and a bulletproof vest, assists Kiefer in figuring out that TerrorDad is on his way to the east parking garage. Kiefer wants the security guards to back off. Aw, poor hospital security. They never get any excitement, and then a terrorist shows up and they don't even get to play with him. As Kiefer runs to the elevator, he calls Soul Patch to tell him to have everyone meet him on the east side of the hospital. Kiefer finally gives up on the elevator and takes the stairs. Different stairs from the ones TerrorDad's on, obviously. Soul Patch hops back into the PatchMobile, trying to reassure TerrorMom, who knows something's up.
TerrorDad emerges into an underground parking garage. "I hate you!" TerrorTeen yells at him. Hey, calm down. We've all forgotten where we've parked on occasion. "I've always hated you. The only reason I never said so was because I was afraid of you. And I'm not afraid of you any more." TerrorDad tries to force TerrorTeen into his car. "Go to hell," TerrorTeen says, which earns him an open-handed smack across the face. Hey, TerrorDad doesn't even have his gun out any more and he's only holding on to the kid with one hand. TerrorTeen must have learned his kidnapping-resistance skills from first-season Spawn. Needless to say, TerrorTeen ends up in the shotgun seat of the car.
At 3:57:32, the PatchMobile screams down the ramp into the parking garage as the unauthorized agent ferries the invaluable suspect onto the scene where all the shooting's going to take place in a minute. Agents on foot take up position along the side of the ramp, pointing their guns downhill. Soul Patch calls Kiefer on his cell phone to tell him he's in the ramp, and Kiefer says he's almost there.
Indeed, Kiefer bursts out of the stairwell in the garage just as the TerrorDadMobile is approaching his position. Kiefer starts shooting at the windshield (because, after all, who else could be leaving the parking garage of a large hospital right now except a terrorist?), but the TerrorDadMobile keeps coming. Kiefer jumps up to roll off the hood, leaving a big, Kiefer-shaped spiderweb pattern in the windshield and hitting the ground hard as the TerrorDadMobile goes on by him. Kiefer rolls over in time to put a few bullets in TerrorDad's back tire, and the car slides into another parked car. World's Wildest Police Chases would love to have a scene like that, but the camera helicopters keep crashing in the parking ramps. TerrorDad drags TerrorTeen out of the car as Kiefer drags himself to his feet. There's a standard hostage standoff, with Kiefer ordering TerrorDad to surrender and TerrorDad refusing while dragging TerrorTeen away. Kiefer even offers to drop his gun if TerrorDad will release TerrorTeen. Soul Patch's convoy arrives just then, and screeches to a halt on Kiefer's orders. TerrorMom and TerrorTeen spot each other and scream each other's names just before TerrorDad drags him into yet another stairwell. "Keep her in the car!" Kiefer hollers. "That stairwell leads to the basement. He's got nowhere to go but down." Don't know how he knows that. "Set up a link with CTU now!" Kiefer continues. Soul Patch acknowledges the order, then tries to calm TerrorMom, who's seriously freaking out. Kiefer shrinks into the upper left corner of the screen, while coverage of the evacuation occupies the upper right. Then they move to the bottom and swap sides while TerrorDad keeps TerrorTeen hostage and tries to figure out his move in the upper half. It turns out that the news monitor is being watched by POTUS as Soul Patch tries to calm TerrorMom. In other mom news, Lispy Skip is still sitting there all weepy while, miles away, his mom just, uh, sits there. Breathing kinda funny. With her oxygen tube still in her nose. So maybe she swapped the oxygen tank with propane and she's getting ready to have a smoke. I don't know. And in the upper right, the nuclear plant is still melting down.
Kiefer's already on the phone with Driscoll, who's confirming that there are no exits from where TerrorDad's holed up except the ones that are already sealed off. Soul Patch suggests opening up negotiations. But TerrorMom, who's now been allowed out of the car, cuts in: "My husband won't negotiate…he doesn't need to. He has to assume I've agreed to help you in return for my son's safety." "Well, he can't stay down there forever," Soul Patch points out. "He doesn't have to. In two hours all the reactors will go critical." We see Driscoll, still listening in. "After that, it won't matter what I tell you and he can kill my son. I am only helping you to save his life. I believe in our cause, and if you can't save my son, I'll be happy to see the reactors melt down." Of course, if TerrorDad realizes that, he can just kill TerrorTeen, which he was going to do anyway, in order to end TerrorMom's cooperation. They all had better hope he's not listening through an air vent or something. Kiefer's still holding the phone to his ear as he stares at TerrorMom, thinking, That's right…we're working together, and so I totally forgot for a minute that she's completely evil. He says to Driscoll, "Did you get that?" Heh. It's 3:00:00.
on 24: AIIIEEEE!sha's awake and wanting a deal, and Kiefer Mission Impossibles his way into TerrorDad's makeshift hideout. Except for the being really quiet part.