Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The gay sex episode
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 11.19.2001
Back at the TerrorShack, Ira Gaines transfers an extra million into Mandy's account using his laptop in one of those only-on-TV things that the internet can do. MotorcycleChick is ready to lead him to the ID. FauxMartin gets up to escort her, but MotorcycleChick says she only wants Mandy and Gaines there. "Why do I trust you?" says Ira. "Because you want the ID," says MotorcycleChick. Okay, if these terrorists can load confidential information onto a key card that can only be retrieved by the CIA in a time-consuming process that only one person employed by CTU can perform, why couldn't they just not pay Terrorista Mandy to blow up the plane, perform plastic surgery on one of their men, and simply create a fake ID already? Like, there better be a good explanation for the importance of this ID coming soon because I'm starting to think that I could just apply some Wite-Out to my birth certificate, go to the DMV, get a new driver's license, and kill Palmer myself for a mere $500,000. "I'm going to miss you, Mandy," says Gaines as she pats him down for hidden weapons.
Back in the Sunnydale slums, PMMS and SOK evade the evil frat boys some more, who incidentally are never more than ten feet from them, no matter how well they hide or how far they run away. They come upon a man with a car who, as some people in the forums have suggested, may be Po Ho's pimp, because he's talking on a cell phone to someone about a guy who "looks good" and is "going to be ready." He's also got that longish greasy hairstyle that white men only have when they're coke dealers, former members of The Eagles, or German clothing designer Helmut Lang. The girls approach him and beg him for a ride home. Spawn promises to pay him. Helmut Lang wants to see the cash. Spawn promises that her parents will pay him whatever he wants. "I run a cash-up-front business," says Helmut Lang. Um, obviously Po Ho hasn't taken that policy to heart himself, judging by his last business transaction. He puts the moves on PMMS and taunts them with his cell phone. But before he can rape PMMS and bring the bad-stuff-happening-to-PMMS season total to, like, nineteen or something, Po Ho comes up behind him and bashes him in the head with a plank. The girls grab Helmut's call phone and run, but when they do, Helmut grabs the plank from Po Ho and starts beating him down, so the girls stop to watch helplessly until the evil frat boys show up. Helmut starts to go after the Evil Frat Boys, but they run away to go follow the girls. The time is 2:48:22 AM.
The time is now 2:52:35. The girls are still running. BOK is going through more files at Bad Teen Convertibles. Like, read a book to pass the time or something! Doesn't your cell phone have a video game? Palmer is being driven back to his hotel by the Secret Service. Back at CTU, Jalapeno Spice is working at her desk when Soul Patch stops by with an uncharacteristically intense and inquisitive look on his face. By the way, when I said "uncharacteristically," I was employing sarcasm. He's just gotten the memo about Walsh's death, which was sent out pretty fast. I mean, yeah, the office is full of workers because of the whole assassination thing, but you'd think the person whose job it is to send out the company-wide memos about deaths in the office would still be in bed. Jalapeno feigns surprise and claims not to know how it happened. Soul Patch asks her to open up a "socket" for him on his terminal, whatever that is, so he can research Walsh's death himself. For the love of God, Soul Patch, if you can't do some relevant work already, at least have a copy of computer Solitaire installed on your terminal and go look busy or something!